A Picture Really Worth A Thousand Words...Literally.

      It's Friday the 2nd March, and nothing had changed much in my life.  Just went out to buy my taekwon-do uniform today with my pal, Arvin. He's currently sitting beside me, accompanying me through my bored leisure time.  Never being any more depressed than these few days.  My mom's court announcement came out yesterday, during my lecture time.  She called to inform me that she had been instructed to pay a sum of money to the bank, besides writing an issuance letter to the bank's state branch in Kuching.  It's a relief that more strenuous actions were not imposed.  However, she quickly hung out the receiver.  I know what happened actually.  No need to be so secretive about it.  Highly depressed yesterday afternoon.  Really, I have no idea as to why my mind is focused solely towards matters that burdens the mind.  Can't be more released and vigorous like other world's occupant.

      The reason why I'm adding this entry is based on a recent incident that I could consider as something that I might regret the most in my 22 years' history of friendship: being too straight forward.  And naive.  Within this context, it's not about quarrels between my relations or being pushed around like I normally do, but it's a varied situation.  What actually occurred is that my mouth's blabbering (and my constant non-scrupulous, non-deceptive sense of righteousness) about my family's problems to 1 of my pals.  I assumed that that individual's a trustworthy one indeed.  However, it goes the contrary.  A few days ago, the person suddenly chatted with me on FB.  Known her during my last semester's group corporation project.  We scored "A" for the subject.  It's not without conflict, where there's once in FB when I posted my regrets about what I posted in my FB group, something related to how I wanted them to cooperate properly with me and not delegating all the tasks to myself to accomplish.  She Google-translated the sentence and replied back to me in Chinese.  Sorry, haven't mentioned about the language.  I used Chinese for the post.  So, I already noticed that my course mates are surveying my every move.  We had a blast of conversations online, with me apologizing for the remarks, while she's apologizing for the stuff that she (and the 2 other group mates didn't quite do.).  Since then, I dared to open up towards her, with the belief that she's the type of person that works like a white shade of wall that could be scribbled on.  Man, everyone is the same indeed.

      Last Saturday to be precise, she suddenly chatted online with me using FB.  I guess she might had the shred of feelings with me, as we both are quite fond of each other.  Then without any ado, I started to tell her everything relating to my mind's fuzziness, includes how I've lost my will to study, financial constraints, and my failure last semester (in that annoying major subject...Data Structures.).  At first, she couldn't believe my commotion.  Then when she took it in, she started to behave like everyone else who listened to a sad story do: PITY.  Pity is good, however not in this context.  After our conversation ended, I regretted my mouth for being such a crybaby, revealing every shred of sensitive information to someone I don't even known long.  I regretted my naive attitude.  During my minor class this week, "fortunately" we're in the same class.  She and her pals always took a subject together, even for minor class.  Her pals used to hold me in high regards, liking every statement and posts that I made online as they consider that with my visual appearance (my stern look, depressed demeanor, and low-confidence stance).  But, I can see that this impression had significantly been altered.  She probably had mentioned a detail of our conversation to them.  I mean, it's girl-friends right? They would even share about their puberty among themselves for God's sake.  So, I avoided myself from them, decreasing the chance where they might had a chance to intercept me and started to inquiring about those heart-piercing issues.  People who didn't experience these incidents by themselves will forever had no idea about the feelings of those who have.  People only know difficulties by their lack of abilities to accomplish financially, but they are lost in thought about poverty. 

      I'm embarrassed with my own inability to judge people properly.  Revealing my trouble to the people who will spend 1cm closer to myself is something that I perceive as their care towards my poor being.  From my weakness, I continued to plunge into the valley of emotional distress, without knowing when I will land on a surface.  Her perception towards me might had been greatly altered: the thought that I'm a first-class achiever, history expert, social shyness, might been washed like the rain's might on muddy roads.  When myself being opening up towards certain individuals had an equal chance of failing, this time I might had been caught in another web of conspiracy, conspiracy of deceit, being overlooked as an actor, all those stuff.  In reality, what I expect of people might not turn right after all.  Blame my own inattentiveness and naive nature that I've been constantly judged as the "intelligent" and not the otherwise.  After this I will really clamp my mouth, in order to prevent the "saliva" to "overspill".  Regret myself...

This is the pic that I intended to post without any comments, but myself had decided to open up about the above incident, so I sort of over-talked a bit.  This is the stuff that I'm going to do this semester.  I swear.  I'll start this list with number 2, 4, and 6.  The rest, maybe will go on later should I manage to adhere to the "2, 4, 6.".

 Something to share with the people who might view this entry:

You may put a matter of undeniable logic as the truth, as truth itself is ambiguous and invisible.  But, what you perceive as true might be the contrary; because truth itself reveals to no man.<Farid's Life Lesson No. 2>