New Layout

      Can't believe I'm here again, in only 2 days' time.  Usually, I'm not this "aeng" (have ample time), but after I arranged my study timetable, I realized that there are still time for me to relax a bit.  Don't want to tense myself too much.  As today, I really can't stand their attitude towards me anymore.  They're inhumane and lack of morality.  Are every 1 of them act like that? Less comment, the better.  I make a decision to run away tomorrow after attending an IT seminar.  Let them be free of my "annoying" self, if they feel uncomfortable with me.  I've lost my respect for them, be it to even chat with them.  Let this jerks be a part of my painful memory.  As I wrote this entry, they're snoring loudly.  Wondering if I could sleep later... I really want to lessen my communication with them so that they'll slowly lose sight of my true self.  Let me be evil, I can't stand their arrogance.

      Once again after visiting my blog often these 2 days, I noticed that my blog looks quite...ordinary.  But, let it be, as I'm currently trying to gain experience in the world of blogging.  Changed my layout.  Probably my other 2 love stories won't be updated in a while, unless if I'm under a disturbed state of sanity or just feeling like it.  The original purpose of this diary is to express my entire feelings anonymously, in a sort of complicated manner so that people who read it will have a twisted state of mind; and able to evaluate every actions behind my reasoning.  Didn't mean to confuse or showing off my skills or anything, but it's the actual virtual whiteboard where I could pour out my entire soul into expressing myself as I'm kind of mute in front of public, in other words, introvert.  So, I hope that my art won't be misinterpreted like myself being looked by the TESL students as showing off in my English class.

      I never dare to show off, even if it means to disgrace an immoral person.  I post everything in English, my FB, my emails, and, here. But, this semester alone, I understand why I'm not chosen into a linguistic course: TESL.  If I enter those courses, I will BE LIKE THEM.  As I see it, they always trying to show off their linguistic skills.  But, given should an IT book full of codings is thrown at them, could they decipher it even if it is covered entirely in English?  I'm not showing off like those midgets, enough that I keep it to myself and to my dear pals.  Actually, there's a precise reason of why I'm posting everything not in my mother tongue language.  But, maybe I'll reveal it in the future to come.  And it's indeed a personal one.  Another thing that I would like to note about linguistic students (I'm really sorry if this may seem insulting), is that they're sort of...slacking off.  Ok, that's it.  As my entire house occupants is like that, I've experienced it myself on their work ethics.  Full of assignment load, busy, those excuses is a piece of lie.  But, they could score >3.5 in exams.  Maybe it's their course only, or the contrary.  I don't want to talk bad, as I'm heavily sinned my entire life.  It usually comes back to haunt me in an unexpected period.  I'm sorry for insulting them.  But I feel it's the honest truth.  Go figure.

      Actually, I'm just telling that I've changed my diary layout, but it seems that I'm slanting a bit towards venting my blind fury today.  So, that's it.  During this holidays, I need to do a lot of internal reminiscence to refirm my true path of life so that I wouldn't be treated like a beggar next time like I'm now.  Probably I'm worse.  Once again, thank you for those who remained loyal and maintains on peeking my diary once in a while.  Appreciate it.--->*-*

My "Chinatown"

      I'm nearly asleep after taking my coughing medicine, but just want to post something crazy as a sign of memorial before study week begins.  It's my Chinatown.  So, here it is.  The so-called place where I'm feeling uncomfortable.  I took these pics during my room mates' absence last week.  You all know why.  Read my post, haha.

<--Hehehe...Angry Birds craze, you see...-->

<--One of the most proud accomplishment of mine so far (as I didn't do activities much here), being a facilitator at A.U.R.A. event.:-)-->

<---My workspace.  There's my bag, you see.:-p--->

<--See how crammed my workplace is...but my knowledge is not that much unfortunately...-->

<--The blue one's mine.  So-called share in buying stuff, but we only share the cooker, the rest, well...-->

<--My cupboard.  Well, half of it actually, cause I didn't need much space and, you know, poverty forbids me to feel luxurious to afford one myself.-->

<--My bag.  Everytime I see it, it reminds me of how naive I am to carry 20kg of it + a sling bag + a backpack to the airport.  Really stupid, haha...-->

<--Recently, I re-started to read my favourite book.  Luckily UPSI library got it, and I'm lucky to find them.-->

<--The upper side of my mini cupboard.  See how crammed it is...-->

<---This signboard is what reminded me that there's actually people who cares for me, and not thinking negative thoughts all the time.->

Thanks For the Continuous Support

I ABSOLUTELY couldn't believe it, but my entries had reached a staggering number of 3000++!!!  Sincerely thanking Mohd Syamin Ismail, and to all my pals for your continuous support. 

The world is like a cliff: you could sniff the fresh breeze, but it's an infinite supply of air beyond the ocean.  That's how real the living is.

Thank You. (and to my special visitor who's constantly attending my blog, A*** K**********, you know who you are.) May God bless you all, and by reading my diary, you know the reason behind my emo-ness and depressed state.  T.Q.V.M. again from myself.

Quote of the Day:

"The sincerity of oneself isn't expressed by what they do, act or convey, but it's via how they actually trying to behave themselves naturally without feigning a sense of empathy."

Spring Waltz

      For the first  time in my UPSI life, my assignment is completed a week before the academic session ends.  That's next week. Usually, I'm busy even until the day before the final exam.  But, situation differs this time.  So, I got ample time to prepare myself before the so-called final battle, unlike previous semesters.  I pledge to give my best this time, not forcing myself like last time where I ended flat on the ground.  So, I will add another of my true account into display of the audiences.  Second of my life: the spring season.

      Although this season occurs before the autumn equinox previously illustrated, it's a sweeter side of myself, haha.  My spring leaves befall on my home state, the not-so-modern Sarawak.  It's the PLKN camp that's compulsory to be attended by all teenagers...er...I didn't need to explain it, right?  My lucky bullet landed in Kem Similajau, Bintulu.  My campsite is located right beside the sea, where the oil towers are located.  At night, this area appears luminous from afar with the constant release of gas residues from the oil towers into the dark forest sky, simulating a dragon exhaling breath.  It's a magnificent site.  I once thought it's the end of the world when I saw that there's constant explosion noise and burning blue flame shooting from nowhere.  But, guess I'm kind of naive, hehe.  I never lived isolated from my estranged family before, so I acted tough before my departure.  Not many people know that I'm admitted to PLKN service, but it's a good thing otherwise.  When I reach there, my timidity once again overpowered my former being of confidence, where I found myself inside a state of culture shock.  Great one.  I failed to forge relationship with the occupants there, as I'm too naive and couldn't be independent on my own.  I just did what I thought could be done, and refers to it as my everyday routine.  If I wake up at 4 everyday, then I will do just that. 

      A few days after my admission to this strange, mountain-bound, telecommunication isolated territory, I found myself in a terrible pressure, partially from my backaches and migraines.  Then, I snapped.  Literally.  Dring the breakfast sessions at 6.30 a.m., I ran across the wide cafeteria into my dorm, which is a 15-minute walk from the mountain areas.  I hid myself behind the buildings and called my mom, who's working in school at that time, crying like crazy.  So, there's my origin of emo-ness.  Yeah, I know.  It's embarrassing.  Strangely, my family also feels the same way as I did.  My little bro told me through calls that my mom couldn't eat for 3 days; my "dad" couldn't sleep at night, my PHD-sis called to inquire about me.  I swear to God that that's the last time I see my family get into unity like that.  They are nowhere close as that today.  Nowadays my mom doesn't give a damn of my well-being in uni.  It's me who calls home, not the otherwise.  Back to the story.  My family then devised a plan so that I could release myself from the traumatic lifestyle of PLKN.  For social-conscious individuals, they may found that life there is admirable, but for me, I couldn't stand it.  My family worked with doctors to rescue me home because I got a terrible back pain problems from my secondary school life.  After my family's touching visit to the camp and speaking to the commandants, I was finally promised to be exempted with the rules of a proper medical check-up.  When my "dad" attended to me that day, I see that he really loves me when he shed tears and told me to be courageous.  After that, my "dad" disappeared from this world.  His body still remains, but he's an entirely cruel person.  Look at my past reviews.  You'll get it.

      During the morning of my 8th day residing in this camp, I begin to be viewed as a Sumatran tigress; because of the special treatment that the wardens gave me.  They thought that I'm mentally-retarded, by my lack of confidence and the timidness of my verbal conversation.  Stand it, I told myself.  You are leaving soon enough.  The spring came right after that.  That particular morning, I was scheduled for a medical check-up together with 7 other members who's just as ill as I am.  The same case probably.  It was 8 a.m.  Still fresh in my mind.  We finished our breakfast after running, push-ups, and marching across the field.  As it IS PLKN, we must wash our own cutlery's.  The sink space is quite limited actually.  The perverted guys (I wouldn't mention why, it's what I saw they did...) just pretended to wash and talked to the girls,  Pervs, with some of them are originated from Peninsulas.  Strangely, they socialize normally to the people here.  What a damn, ham-sap (gatal) pervs.  I waited at the sink side for my turn.  Some Malay girls just winked and smiled at me.  Yeah, they thought I'm mentally-inable.  But some of them are my classmates, so they know the reality.  I just counter-smiled at them.  A Chinese girl caught my attention.  Kind of looks just like my Form 5 classmate though.  White, smooth complexion.  Noticed her during my first day admission.  

      I was about to do my dishes.  She's doing it for her friends, 2 of them as they couldn't find themselves squeezing into the savage Malay crowds.  Like I mentioned earlier.  Geez, it's just dish-washing.  As I placed my stuff in the counter, she grabbed it from my hand and washed it for me.  Wow...I'm shocked.  Right at that particular moment, she washed it while grinned a soft smile towards me.  I looked her into the eyes.  Really, suddenly a blue electric spark stuns my eyes.  Probably the morning sun ray, but for me, it's...wow.  We looked through each other.  Then she spoke in a soft, well-toned voice, English amazingly, saying: "Is there anything else I could do?" It truly touched my soul.  This girl doesn't look at me with the same perception as the others did.  She's a godsend being.  Her smile towards me is the most beautiful thing I had ever experienced, even from my autumn crush.  I told her that I can handle it, with English of course.  Then, she left me with another departing gift, a smile, accompanied by a nod.  I just stood there for like a minute, speechless while 2 Malay girls looked at me in a strange demeanor.

      My visit to the hospital after that is filled with endless visions of her imagery within my conscious self.  After I left there, I couldn't catch any glimpse of her anymore.  I did left PLKN a few moments after my constant check-up at the hospitals.  I never see her again.  However, God arranged our final encounter at Sibu airport, during which I'm sending my brother back to KL on 10th June, 2010, a few days before my own departure to Peninsula.  I didn't noticed, but it was when I almost left the departing hall that I saw her again, carrying a laptop and a sling bag, walking confidently across the ticketing counter.  I quickly turned back.  She looked exactly the same as she is 2 years back, still as innocent and sincere as ever.  That reunion is what I believe among the best unexpected gift God ever gave me.  However, she's lost without a trace now.  I couldn't even manage to get her number or even worse, her initials.  As the flight that time is slated towards Johor, I know that she's a UTM diploma student, probably degree by now.   If she's in UPSI now, I think I will chase her to the end, even if it cost me my life, haha.  She's better than the girls who ignores people here.  But, if God gives her back to me, then...it will truly wipe out the despair from myself and change me as a whole.  I guess that'll never happen, right?  She's my life's true first crush.  I just prayed that God will reunite us one day, not literally said. There's another of my love story for share...It's true, not fake.

 

Autumn In My Heart

Although I'm busy like always recently, I always had a thought of filling in my dusty, online diary.  So, while I'm having migraine now from 10+ hours on PC everyday, added with a routine sleeping timetable at 3 a.m. daily, I've decided to add a juicy story about my past regarding this hewey-dewey emotion that became almost as popular a Facebook, even before it's release in 2004: LOVE.

Before I begin, this is my probably marathon of 4 love stories that I had personally (and not infringed) experienced.  I'll name it after the ever-popular quadruple love drama that becomes the sensation of Asia once upon a time ago: Autumn in My Heart,Winter Sonata, Summer Scent, and Spring Waltz, with the first is the most painful and the latter is the most sweetest like corn ice cream perhaps.

My autumn season begin while I'm studying in semester 1, back in 2010 when I first entered university.  As I mentioned in my previous entries, there's 1 girl that I'm particularly had a fall on, even until this very day.  People close to me may know about this, but nah, I won't mention her name here. Who knows, she's reading... She's the one who managed to open up to me while I'm in seclusion, facing the harsh new reality that I would like to call as Universiti Pendidikan Sultan Idirs.  Her traits, well, read it down there, haha.  The sweetness happens during our encounters, when my heart nearly stopped literally from watching her sight of presence.  The season however, happens in just one single day which changes everything.  It was a collaboration night of event for the Chinese Association's annual CNY Festival: Pesta Chun.  I was, in fact, participated in it as a, you may not believe it, translator. My language capability, hehe.  They asked me to translate literally everything, from the emcee's dialogues to the slides that they're going to illustrate in front of the big screen.  This task feels just like a programmer, working off-screen unnoticed by the end user.  As I'm taking 9 subjects last semester, it nearly killed me, really.  I nearly passed on this work.  What could this job typically get me in? Certificates?  For my health?  Forget it.  But, after I've been acknowledged by my former room mate that "she" is in the dancing recitals, man, I accepted the job.  I translated everything, even from the Chinese dialogues.  Sai lei leh, haha.  Kidding.

The date approaches week after week and finally landed its feet upon a typically peaceful but cloudy Sunday evening.  I've make preparations and adjusted my schedule just so that I could enjoy that particular day without and intrusion from my house chores or my assignments.  I bought her a gift: chocolates, sweets, and everything related.  It doesn't cost much, but at least it illustrates my sincerity.  Then, I departed, dressed in my casual fitters, UPSI jacket, and a cool man pose.  When I get up the bus, I can't believe it.  She's on it, make-up and son on with her buddies, perhaps performing for the night too I thought.  I secretly texted her during the journey, telling her that she looks good (her hair is twisted in a manner similar to the lady actress in the older Star Wars movies.).  Just to give her a support, or otherwise.  I told her that I'm coming to the festival too, just to support my pals and to see my artwork, haha.  Then she informed me that she's nervous and asked me to wish her the best. And so I did.  I bought some bread (I didn't normally eat it as a dinner, but for her, what the heck, I'll do it...) from the nearby store to fill myself at night.  Then, I walked to the main hall where it is all located.

The show started, I don't want to mention the whole process, so I'll just skip to the climacs.  I waited for her performance, and there she is, dressed in white.  My God, I swear I melt at the moment.  I snapped a few of her pics together with my pal's recitals, just for keeps.  But, blame my low quality Nokia 3250 for doing a poor job, haha.  Then, after the unrelated acts ended (the hostess looks steamy with a black cheongsam that night.:-)), everyone scatters home.  I waited for my pals to snap some memorial pics with them.  I'm so excited about the chance of meeting her that I ignored the overview of my artwork that night. Then, at an unpredicted moment, she entered the hall.  Where's my gift, darn it.  However, my autumn started and ended at right an instantaneous lightning bolt.  I saw her, hands folded into a grasping arm of a Chinese exchange student.  I mean, everything ended at the moment.  My heart, really shattered in that dimension.  I don't know whether to smile, or cry, still dumbfounded and standing there.  She just walk pass me, ignoring my existence while I smiled forcefully to her.  Wow.  I immediately rushed home, running to the bus stop to my hostel without waiting for my pals to finish the business like we had previously planned.  I'm crying, walking while removing my glasses and staring blankly into thin space.

That night, I slept early without even had a mind to continue my work.  My room mate even felt curious with my change of routine.  I couldn't think anymore that night.  Only then I understand about how painful love break is.  I mean, I haven't even get it on, but already passed out in the process.  That's one of my seasonal love endings.  It really happened, exactly last semester in the month of February, the 27th day of it.  So, there it is.  I'm pathetic in relationship, even as we speak.  So, how do I will ever get it if I wasn't the one who kindles the flame of passion from my targeted passion? You decide.  Her name is: B** *E* ***I.  Perhaps the next entry will be more pleasing, right? +_+

My encounter with her yesterday inspires me to write about it today. *-*

A New Face of Elegance...My Personal Favourite!!!

      There hasn't been a lot of time for me to update my entry, but just want to do it to release myself from overwork + lack of rest.  Here, I just want to publish something (or a work of mine) that depicts a celeb that I adore a lot these few days: Seo Ji Hye.  Watched her on 49 Days, where she's a mean villain but turned over good fruit at the end.  Next time, it's going to be a longer entry (I suppose...), if I'm not worked until limit (like this morning, we had a major mid-term exam. F.Y.I. on Sunday!!!)

      So, here it is...my artwork, hihi... Just had a heart to do it at 2.30 a.m. yesterday, after finish studying. Yeah, that's my life.  Go figure. :-)

      Her biodata: Not much is explained, really. Kind of disappointing for me. :-(

Here's some links to her performances (muwah, I ADORE them!!!) I even watched 49 Days the second time, because during the first viewing I tend to ignore her presence (she's a baddie in it, haha.).

• 49 Days (My favourite, love it!!!)
• Haven't watched it. Perhaps I will, because she's in it...
• Snail Boarding House. A hillarious one, depicts her cheerful personality. Highly recommended. 

      Ok, that's all for the time being.  And, thanks to my pal who'd exposed my blog, it reached a shocking 814 entries!!! I never viewed it, but it's quite shocking actually.  So, to anyone who's reading my diary, thanks for your concern and remember the motto of this "book": see it, and forget it, k? TQ...

What I Eat During My 9-Day Mid-Term Break

                And so it goes, the 9 days of holiday just went by like that.  If it wasn’t for the Friday class (thought we had it, but blast it with the juniors for cancelling it without informing us!!!), we’ll had a 10-day holiday stint.  It’s ok anyway, but doesn’t feel like I had enough.  The Saturday when it starts, I followed my pal to KL, sightseeing at Lowyat without buying anything, except a box of KFC… And my heart aches when I see all those elegant techs.  If I got RM700 at that time, I would had swiped my 4 and 1/2-year-old Nokia 3250 with a Samsung smartphone.  Blame me for being born into an unfortunate situation.  This time, I’m going to share the ups and downs of my past times.  Most of them went by with completing assignments anyway, so, didn’t had anything to elaborate, lol.  But, this hols is equally important to me, as I learned the true value of friendship.  So, here it goes, me blabbering again. 

                After my short KL trip (my first anyway), I returned home with a total EMPTINESS.  And, I immediately called my best pal in the universe-My little brother.  We talked for probably 45-minutes, chewing my credit juice all at once, haha.  But, I’m quite pleased with the call, as it’s been nearly 1 month since I’ve contacted that miserable home.  I learned a lot about what happened during my absence.  But, it’s their fault that they got caught in the conflict they faced now.  Being deserted entirely by my relatives, there’s particularly nothing that could be done to resolve our complications.  Nobody wanted to help us, with the stubbornness of that bastard, Morsidi who’s keep on burdening my household.  My alter-ego couldn’t do anything to solve this problem, as I’m a far distance from home.  Not that I want to share about it, but as stated in my previous entries, my family had reached a critical motion that we’re hanging on the thin thread that’s separating the minute strings of death.  I don’t even know if I could last here, with all my study loans that’s being contributed to help them.  Maybe, I’m facing it here as well…

                This holiday, I’ve being staying at my good pal, Syamsul’s house, where all the AT20-ians priorities are residing.  Exciting, as I’ve never being in a stay-over before.  They dragged me there, fearing that I’m might could been facing any dangerous situation with the distance of my house, besides the other hidden factor: my ability to see and feel “things”.  Not enclosing about that, maybe in the future entries, haha.  I departed on Monday night.  It was really the setting that I desired for long: my own people who understand everything I do and would give huge attention to my routines.  It’s a clearly varied situation with my “Chinatown” residence.  Explained it previously, duh… The next few days, I completed my assignments with a hassle, eating in a group, and even get to watch TV!!!   TV!!!   The idiot box that I’ve been missing even before I returned from the 4-month hiatus to UPSI.  My favourite drama, “Cinta dan Anugerah”.  Miss that a lot.  We eat traditional delicacies together (sambal belacan, fish fritters, and even some meat curry from the previous Hari Raya Haji that I missed…L)  Although this treats may seem a little lacking from the usual RM4.50 nasi lemak that I bought, I felt like I’m appreciated at this household.  I could pray 5-times a day without worries, chat emptily, lie down when I’m having a drowsed, and so on… This really are MY PEOPLE.  

                While I’m staying there (mentioning their name won’t be a fault, right?) with Andi Rasman, Syamsul Bahari, Khairul Nazreen, and Nik Amirul Izzad, we socialize as a whole.  Not constricted by the emotional wall.  We ate burning steam rice, cycle to the mosque, watch TV, shout “Goal!!!”, this is the true sensation that I desired for my entire university life.  My first to cycle in Peninsular!!!   When we had assignments, we could share (even copy-copy, hehe).  The taste of sambal belacan remains in my noggin’, as I might never had a chance to taste it again.  Maybe I should be a permanent residence there.  Even with all the lacking of facilities, I still feel FREE.  But, when I leave this “Chinatown”, the seniors might get the wrong perception about me.  So, what’s the verdict?  Move? Or stay? My entire AT20-ians support the former idea, during one of my posts in FB.  I’m still puzzled with this revolution.  I still had ample temporal space to elaborate on this idea.  Both places had their own pros and cons, I would admit.  However, as my conscience constantly reminds me of decisions that I regretted in future dates (this IS the case with my family troubles), I didn’t dare to jump to the conclusions.  

                Sincerely, I’m thanking God this time for making my life less miserable those few days.  Even on the night I’m leaving their compound, my Sarawakian pal Syamsul seems to be having a rock-edge on releasing me.  As I reached home and really accomplishing what I targeted to return home early to do (laundry, 11 of them!!!), I saw this hollow compound again, where I might get the idea that behind the sympathetic gaze those occupants gave me, lies a very uncomfortable thought that I’m alienated.  I mean, duh.  7 Chinese+ 1 “Malay” won’t form a 1Malaysia ideology, or merging the Malayan constitution.   Leave that all behind.  To my AT20-ians who had accommodated me for free those 3 days (I bought 2 keropok and give them RM10, so not typically free lah…), I thanked you from the bottom of my heart.  They may be not reading it, but this situation really cured me from the saber that’s piercing me even at this particular moment.  My family doesn’t even give a damn about my well-being here.  I know they might had their own flings back home, but 1-minute call won’t hurt right?  

                On to the re-opening of the semester, it’s going to be a harsh fight to the finish, again.  With my returning status to my hometown is still pending, I don’t know how to face this remaining days, both financial or mentally.  Maybe, there’s a friend when you need them…

A Sing-Along For My Nerves

      Really sorry for the post earlier.  I know I've to see a psychiatrist or something, it's dead serious in the trunk(car bonet).  Maybe you'll think I'm insane or sort.  But, rest assured.  As I'm doing this part, my nerves are a little bit soothed.  Perhaps, I've really picked wrong guys as companion. (they eat you in the process). Sorry. Heartiest apologies. I want to share a lyric that really come through my day (at least for this period, geez...)

Carrie Underwood (Change)

What'cha gonna do with the 36 cents

Sticky with Coke on your floorboard

When a woman on the street is huddled in the cold

On a sidewalk vent trying to keep warm

Do you call her over hand her the change

 Ask her a story ask her her name

Or do you tell yourself

You're just a fool

 Just a fool  

To believe you can change the world

 You're just a fool

Just a fool  

To believe you can change the world

 
What'cha gonna do when you're watching t.v.

And an ad comes on Yeah you know the kind

Flashin' up pictures of a child in need

For a dime a day you can save a life

Do you call the number reach out a hand

Or do you change the channel call it a scam

Or do you tell yourself

Chorus
You're just a fool

Just a fool

To believe you can change the world

Don't listen to them when they say

You're just a fool

Just a fool

To believe you can change the world

Oh the smallest thing can make all the difference

Love is alive

Don't listen to them when they say

Chorus

You're just a fool

Just a fool

To believe you can change the world

The worlds so big it could break your heart

And you just wanna help

 But not sure where to start so you close your eyes

Send up a prayer into the dark

Chorus
You're just a fool

 Just a fool

To believe you can change the world

Don't listen to them when they say

You're just a fool

 Just a fool

To believe you can change the world

Oh the smallest thing can make all the difference

Love is alive

Don't you listen to them when they say

You're just a fool

 Just a fool

To believe you can change the world

[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/change-lyrics-carrie-underwood.html ]

Here is a link to this awesome tune by her:

Man, I'm a man, but this song touched the warm spot inside. 

 

I'm...Stunned With The Amount of Hypocrites Around Me...Count It and It Could Drown An Elephant

You!!!!!!! Why're you always making me pissed off? I understand of all people, but you? Why, you!!! Now I felt like you are my dad's reincarnation all over again.  I respected you to be situated all together with you this semester, but you really are the BIGGEST CHEAPSKATE I'VE EVER SEEN!!! Son of a *****!!! You betray me over and over again, then you play dumb, not knowing you had injured my heart in the process.  I hate you and your thick face!!! How thick your face is? 5 cm? 

You are undoubtedly, the 2nd darndest person after my father.  You said that you're taking care of me, but all I've seen is you been treating me like a baby.  As if you're having burdens to look after me with my pitiful family condition.  If you're by any chance smaller than me in age, I would had, undoubtedly slapped you so hard you would had heard a sharp twitching in your ear as the final tune you'll ever hear.  How much are you going to betray me? I mean, I'd posted on Facebook countless anonymous statement that pinpoints your betrayal to me, darn it!!! And you're too nitwit to even comprehend my English? You are quite a shocker.  Enough with the pity feelings you had.  

By the time you left me for just having fun with your buddies, you've lost me as a friend.  You always did that.  But when I'm absent even for a couple of hours, you'll act as if it's my fault of leaving, perhaps leisure or sort.  You really are the biggest midget I've ever seen.  Scumbags.  I am an adult to be pitied by a hypocrite like you.  Countless anger in the form of silence had I've hampered on this 4 wall compound, but you and your buddy are just too naive to even realize it.  I mean, if you're really paying attention like you are and nothing else, you'll notice my fury a LONG TIME AGO.  What a loser!!! Scum!!! I pray that we inter-switch our lives, let you be in my shoes for a moment.  Then, you'll realize that it's hard to be Farid.  Scum piece of loser!!!

P/S: Forgive me so much for this, I just couldn't find a suitable location to vent my anger, as I've lost my parents, brother, family, and even my friends in the process of experiencing university life.  God, help me. I'm so troubled inside.  Being treated like this over and over again, what had I done in my past life to be bestowed some living as horrible as this? Every day I weeps, and weeps, but it never seems resolved.  What the heck is this life for? Now, even my closest pals had turned their back when they found out about my past.  Haven't they seen over my recently weird behaviour? 

By leaving me like this, is it an appropriate thing for them to do? Maybe I really should've evolved earlier, this way they could've not trampled me like this.  I felt like my standard had been lowered into the lowest trench in the ocean, even though I've not done any crime in this life to be treated like this badly.  If you had feelings like you should and not blinded by wealth and enjoyment, you would've left me alone in the dust earlier, not by aiding me in the process and then left me like a piece of used napkin.  What am I? Toilet papers? Chewed apple leftover?  Oh God, I've almost giving up in this life.  Just a step closer towards my self-destructions.  I've done so much to please everyone, but, nothing seems working out.  I'm so sad....................:-(