The feeling of uncertain. Doubts envelops your soul,
encompassing every direction and sight that you besiege. That’s the emotion that I’m currently
experiencing. After been hit by a lot of
social turmoil these 8 months, I’ve been constantly wandering in thought. Apart from busying for at least half day
reading journals, editing and trying to code programs to extract data,
trial-and-error with my thesis chapters, I’ve decided to distance myself from
the plague that is called social media.
I mean, it’s the place where you would be shrouded with happiness the
most, but at the same time hatred & discomfort. I could say, for the last 8 months leaving
2016 all I did every day is to focus on my data mining research, testing a
mock-up theory that doesn’t seem to have its ending. When you’re trying to innovate something new,
you know for sure that you’re going to suffer a bit in the long term. But I’m not going to delve deep into my
research study. Data science gave me a headache sensation. :) That section made me
quite bored & emotionless for the time being.
As I’m among the only survivors from my batch that remains doing
my Masters degree in Information Technology, you could say that I chose to live
in solitude. Life in isolation,
deserting all the needs to be socializing.
Everywhere I go, whatever I do, I’ve selected the path as a lonewolf, an
avenger seeking answers to my solitude. Probably
after starting my studies last February 2015, I’ve chosen path that many prefer
not to walk on. As my only social
circles apart from my early schooling days are my university “friends”, the
status that they’re posting slants towards the “educator” side. Even those few that braved the decision to
continue Masters are those that want to show others their superior side. I chatted with 5 of those that selected to do
so, and their answer to why they’re doing it seems vague and ambiguous, like
somehow they’re telling me “I want to be superior to others. My Masters would raise my net worth, even just
for a bit. I would definitely feel
worthy more than others!” Well, for people like me (do you believe it if I told
you?) who decided to continue pursuing our education while we still have
chance, we’re doing it purely out of interest towards the field. Almost, no exterior motives. Therefore, every time I saw these
self-proclaimed postgraduate students boasting about their status to their
brethren, outsiders, their former comrades, I always doubt if their effort
really worth it with their knowledge; brains or brawn. These are the type that hires others to do their program codes, but suddenly got "possessed" by ghosts of system analysts during presentations. Hilarious. Don't get me started on other courses.
 |
| Like Kyle, you'll get carpal tunnel when you scrolled through this idiotic status much. |
The reason that I’m feeling insecure with my current choice
stems from a wide range of external, conflicting factors. But mostly, they came from the effect of my
surroundings. Nowadays, I often turn off
my social media, be it Facebook, Instagram, or even Twitter because the
infestations of “posers” are critical.
They seem to possess high nihilistic attitudes, talking good about themselves
in front of social media pretending they’re oblivious of the social media crowd
that would always highlight all their movements even to the slightest
detail. I used to have ironclad wall
behind my feelings (after I got friend-zoned 3 times I somehow lost trust to
seemingly everyone, haha), performing decisions by judging the magnitude of
logic surrounding them. If the decision
seems likely to fail, I would try my best to avoid that route. And so, I postponed twice the “invitation”
from the Ministry to be educator for the next, 30 years or so. After taking Education courses in my
university & completed teaching practice in high schools, I eventually
doubt my entire determination to become a teacher.
 |
| "Last time it took the PC kids 6 years to leave. We still got, 5.9 years left." |
I just don’t see it in me.
My mom, aunt, their friends. My
family background is consisted mostly of teachers. I had already experienced it whole myself. Teaching in tuition centres, substituting as
a tutor in university. I could see my
entire future being shrugged if I select this path. After I manage to stop a 14 year old boy from
being tossed from the 2nd floor by his bully friends and force a brat-like
class to submission to the extent that I lose my voice, I chose to walk a
longer path this time. Both of my
closest friend who chose the similar path to me ended up as a programmer in
Singapore and education executive in the Ministry. We all know what to endure, so we evade it
early. So I chose to postpone it. But a lot of kids (I say it like that because
they seem, incapable) in my course tend to select the path. I see them waited for 2 years, moaning in
social media every day, creating mayhem on Twitter by constantly attacking the
Education Minister with random tweets demanding for interview session for
teacher placement.
 |
| *speaking in Spanish accent* How do I reach this kids? |
I mean, I get it that
our university is an education university, but do you need to nag the higher
ups to provide a silver spoon opportunity for you just because you chose to
remain stagnant every day, waiting for good news to be delivered straight to
the front door? Most of them are the
helpless type, that is constantly “On” the social media and posts “I just woke
up! Good morning!” at 12 in the afternoon.
Well, we know where does it escalates.
I know majority of these people,
I live with them, I see how they perform, their attitudes in doing work. And I know very well that they’re not
qualified. But slowly I’m scarred by
what everyone being doing every day on social media. I’m the kind of people who does social media
to be updated of entertainment matters, how my K-Pop stars strive, latest movie
reviews, and my closest friend life condition.
I don't really care if people are going to boast every minute inch of their life. But somehow I always get bombarded by these retard status; long list of
thanking everyone for everything, parading support for demanding work from the
government. I mean, this action just
made me felt revolted & insulted. You can choose various ways to ignore them, but they'll just come back and bite you in the rear. It's not that we're envious of the whole scenario, but more like it's over-asserting and somewhat looks obnoxious.
 |
| The feeling you get when you can't get your words through anyone. |
Social media is the platform where we express ourselves to
our closest accomplices. We did
something to inform them that “I’m okay!”
But all I see is people keep boasting about themselves, in this case “The
whole interview process goes like this….”, “I’m wearing coat for this special
day. So handsome me hashtag #goodluck”. Group photos like there’s no tomorrow. People outside doesn't give a batshit to the revelation. But they’ve succeeded in shrugging my
previous stoic demeanor. Don’t take me
as an emo person, I’m just a pacifist that prefers to see down-to-earth
people, doing things without so much as revealing to the entire world. But even to the point where my closest
friends started to do so every day, is it simply excitement on what they possess or an uncontrollable
urge to parade one’s achievement? Like, the kind of selfie enthusiast that
would bomb photos just after having a lunch at Mcdonalds. I’m glad that I chose the life as a
pacifist, because it managed to make me to look at priorities in life,
striving my way to the top without going to the extent of unveiling the shreds
of the life I undertook everyday just for people to be informed and form a
compassion and fondness. When I blended
with my supervisors and my former lecturers during my usual working hours as a
research assistant, I could see that highly intelligent people doesn’t tend to
overexert themselves to express every detail of their life to the masses; just
living a decent life, humble but filled with responsibility.
 |
| People want sensational news! |
Citing my few lecturers in the process. Dr. M. is a lecturer that is highly credible
to me. She taught a few of my
Programming classes during my undergrad class, and 1 during postgrad. Her attitude changed after she taught me in
postgrad, and she talks more cheeky and a slightly “you’re an equal” tone. I respect her for her excel in programming
and algorithms, be it as a mother like figure.
I once lost my mind and revealed to her my family problems in an email,
and she cared to reply to it at midnight whilst providing a soothing revelation
to reduce my complications. There’s a few similar lecturers like that, but what
I’m trying to point is by how superior and highly capable one could be but
still remains being humble and oblivious to social media popularity all the
time. They live, but they refuse to
follow the fad. Actually I chose to
become a pacifist during my postgrad studies because of this few individuals,
where personal experiences with them made me acknowledge the point they attempt
to convey even in our daily speeches; that it’s important to understand oneself
before allowing others to dictate our own future and actions. Their actions modeled me a bit inside.
 |
| 1 word: OK. |
Although now I doubt my decision to follow the path that all
my brethren chose (and those that say they absolutely won’t, but they end up
doing so!), it somehow made me review what I’ve undergone these 6 years I’ve
been studying in tertiary education.
Been exposed dramatically to human drama in the end where I’ve been
ambushed by even my closest buddies, I remember a word uttered by my senior
taking Masters of Robotics. “In this
world filled with scumbags and douches that shapes majority of the people’s
opinion, you can’t trust anyone. Even
me, sitting calmly here. I might be
thinking ill about you at this moment, but I still smiles to reflect that I don’t. Probably you do too. But it’s important to remain vigilant during
your struggles. Trust a blunt knife, and
it won’t help you slaughter your enemy.
The knife is you, whether you want it to be blunt in your struggles or
sharpen it to save for future to come.”
He mentioned these words with a poker face, that guy. As I’m writing this, a little wind of relief
came to me. Probably because I managed to relay and re-enforce my stand, what I
believe in. Trust not the fad in the
crowd, but the inner conscious of you that yells you to follow what you believe
in. THAT gut feeling. So I’m leaving my entry with a made up, quote
of my day.
 |
| Like Cartman said, don't follow the fad but create your own. |
“Compelled by thy enemies thought and prepare to embrace fallen; vigilant with thy own thoughts and thy may fail. Let nature shows you the path, strutting towards oblivion or ignorance bliss.”
