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| Are you ready? Here it goes... |
It’s
been 1 year+ since I really updated my life story. So much had
happened, but practically my post-grad study had been the #1 life priority. Skipping sides, learning something new. I see most of my peeps who even dare to
pursue post-grad had similar aspects in sight: society recognition, raise in
salary & ranking, those are among the forte that motivated them. It’s just like always, things had been
terribly silent since graduation. Nobody
ever care to contact anymore. Not a
soul. Always thinking positively about
how people had their own lives to spare, my negative thoughts were sometimes
dissolved in thin air. As compared to
the frequency when people only contacted us whenever they need some favor,
probably life in solitude like what Luke did to train his new Jedi generation
is what I should pursue after.
Can’t
say how much magnitude I’ve been exposed to with human behavior. Shed a new light of perspective on me; how
indifferent people had been construed upon each other. Reaching the maximum 3 years of Masters due
to persistent neglect by certain people, I learn that even people whom you
could uphold your absolute trust to would end up deceiving, like a vixen. My Masters journey is scarce with human
interaction, with the select few that I ended up with become my trusty
buddies. They share similar goals &
views regarding with human interactions as I do. Friendly on the front, but behind there lurks
an endless journey of self-reflection.
If counted, I’ve completed 4 journal publications so far: 1 local and 3
others internationally. AND I STILL
WAITING TO COMPLETE MY MASTERS. HECK DAMN.
Once blaming it on my inability to steer my supervisor towards my
direction in rapid development, my pavement of completing study had been a
standstill like a snail’s crawl. The
complaining I read about other students from other university confession forums
turn out pretty real applied with my own.
Never met a lecturer whose approach is 360 degree from your own.
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| Post-grad. Not a very smooth drive... |
I
thought to myself, as 2017 ends what will become of me after this. After completing my grant research assistant
job in 2016, I became a curl weed that dusts around. Until my Dean recommended me as an apprentice
to an Aussie-grad philosophical doctor majoring in Artificial Intelligence in
our faculty. Under her tutelage of 9
months, my experience on post-grad had been significantly boosted. Before, I was never taught how to develop
conceptual taxonomy, skimming through hundreds of articles just to obtain the
right topic. Intense discussion sessions
on Evolutionary Algorithms. Summarizing
over 15 journals a day, just to publish an article. These things is what I’d never endure through
during the beginning of my Master studies.
My supervisor’s attitude of handling my affairs made me viewed her in a
new light. She never really “drill” or
give me exposure this extensive. Her
way: “Topic”. Go search for it. Then produce a research proposal that she
heavily argued upon even when she rarely provide any sort of guidance. Seeing how she neglect her 2 year research
with constant “I’m busy” subliminal messages up to the end where I had to craft
a final research report based on my own thesis, blaming me instead of her
negligence whenever I inquired for feedback eventually made me a new
person. NEVER TRUST ANYONE EVER AGAIN. She indeed screwed me over hard. Comparing my supervisor with the current lecturer
I didn’t have any relation with, who trained me so intensely than her own
doctorate Indonesian student in creating new algorithm & evolutionary
algorithm framework made me differentiate lecturers shouldn’t be looked highly
upon anymore. It depends on their
dedication of their occupation.
Personally,
I’ve never really argued on the matter of people mistreating me on any events. I just let it asunder. I’m a pacifist. Do it, I think. Karma would befall upon you someday. But by ignoring it, I’m always left in a
predicament of heavy ignorance. People,
can make up tons of excuses just to cover up their own deficiencies. You can claim that your current family
affairs made you lost focus on how to pay attention to your students. Claiming that they’re too busy for this month
that they would only be able to monitor your progress the next month, which is
then subsequently been postponed to the next, the next, eventually a year. Eventually people would see through. Then they came back afresh, asking you to do new
things that instantly made you realize they never really pay any attention to
your progress. Then suddenly a barrage
of machine gun accusations flew. I
personally found it quite amusing. If
people with high credibility, earning respect from their peers & community
just because they leveraged with a certificate entitled as DOCTORS that they
lost sight of their prior intention to excel in their own field made them abuse
their privilege towards students, I wonder would the expert society be composed
of THEM. Perhaps I haven’t exposed to
the big picture. And a tiny fraction
strives to excel whilst sacrificing their beauty sleep, socializing times,
earning headaches but unable to convey it to their friends, not wanting to earn
a position raise in the faculty like my Aussie mentor would always be
shunned. The societal endeavor of power
striving individuals today is FRIGHTENING.
But I’m inclined to think about it.
If I shared the similar status & judgmental affliction as them,
would I do the same mistakes again. If
compare both of them side by side & asking them to lecture about
programming paradigm, I’m sure which side will emerge victorious. Haven’t even placed the remark of their
students coming to me every semester for programming tutelage where they “praise”
their lecturers. My lips are sealed. I learned 2 distinctions: people who CARE and
those who DON’T.
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| Tired reading? Here's a guy that waves his arms around~ |
Being
neglected while pursuing your life goals made you more contented with your
objective. You won’t pay any attention
to social media. Likes on Instagram or
Facebook is not important. You would
feel anxious if the internet stutters while you’re constantly pressing share on
the Evolutionary Algorithm article you read even though you knew people won’t
even care about it. You’ll be focused on
carrying 4 heavy books in your bag, with arms clamping 1 each because your
passion to read a new approach on mutation strategies. Your mind would be constantly preoccupied
with imagery of coding errors, shrouded with visualizations on solution
steps. People whispered upon your dull
stoic look where the surroundings is loud with careless laughter. Your 2 hour gaming session before bed is what
distanced yourself from all the mind-boggling humanity and research
problems. I guess this kind of
uninteresting life is what you really should be enduring to earn a title as a
DR. That is what my personal experience
taught me.
I
mean, I’ve lost a lot whilst stubbornly attempting to achieve something anyone
I see around me haven’t able to accomplish yet.
My dream since little is to emulate the behavior of hackers, typing
rapidly because I’m so good in what I do. I was endowed too much in doing research
that I never pay any attention to the world (and the only explanation why 98%
of my friends never contacted me!). I
never really enjoy the culture of sucking up, where you have to browse through
people’s narcissism post of going on vacation or wedding galore, or wishing
people happy birthday that with a tiny speck of hope that people would do the
same to you. That’s my HUGE
problem. That's why my rarely updated Instagram pic earn 1 like. I guess it’s because I’m tired
of constantly being the one who call or message first. I guess that’s being my main motivation factor
of pursuing study, amid all the nonsense condition that I have to endure from
professional groups around me. If my
Aussie doctor went so far as to argue with the Graduate Studies Institute about
my “hanging” state & reserved a research position + scholarship for me even
I haven’t completed my Masters yet, maybe the pointless life of reading &
typing everyday still haven’t wane completely.
What would a normal human being do in this kind of situation? BAIL. And I’m stupidly clinging on. Really, what would normal people do? With the prayer of people willing to read my
entry and the power of Internet God’s blessing, may every bittersweet experience
of post-grad study ends swiftly.
HAHA,
if I somehow managed to complete my Masters of Computer Science and commence my
Post-Doctorate of Artificial Intelligence research studies in 2018 I vow to publish a post about my
love story. And all the juicy
experiences when I worked as a researcher in my university. It’ll be a sweet fan-service. I pray that 2017 would end well, and a fresh
start of 2018. Thankfully I didn’t have
to go to Australia at the New Year’s Day just to present the paper me & my
mentor wrote (I’m inexperienced anyway).
But I guess, publishing 3 big papers this year may had been the big
accomplishment behind my misery of doing Masters. To any post-grad students who may will
stumbled upon this entry, your pain is not in vain. I feel you.
“From here on out, the lines that separates the fiction & reality doesn’t exist.” Jack Simon, DARKER THAN BLACK
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