A Poem about My Reality Past...

Flutters of mutual sense, occur as I felt prior before.

Not all meetings is connected to love, nor not all meeting is good.

I meet people who became part of my life, etched a single line in my book of experience.

Matured feelings enveloped our acknowledgement on opposite ends, in the end it became a bond of trust.

Undeniable, there’s a lot that I felt before that increased my instincts towards someone.

Been abused in life, conflicts due to immaturity, I had it all in my diary.

It became the essence of my beliefs, that at one point I seemed to give up on living.

It was the downfall of my life, where every day of my adolescent age is filled with tears of sorrow & misery.

There’s a few instance that I did bogus actions that I perceive could cure my inner self that’s broken & rusted.

Out of nowhere, a ray of light gave me a new perspective on the pathway I should take in life.

From giving in to my family’s negative comments, I slowly forged a road on my own that I believe is the key to success.

Once I gave up living, from there onwards I manage to crawl back up from the trench I thought I couldn’t escape.

I was 15 at the time, where it’s the primordial age for teenagers to shape their own beliefs & stand.

Where my family members’ achievement became the measuring ruler for my surrounding to deter my abilities.

Although the rocky way I crawled myself in is a harbinger of disaster, a piece of me managed to survive through the salvage environment whilst the other half gone forever.

From the depths of people’s dissatisfaction & discern, I manage to obtain a distinction in the public exam that’s been monitored by everyone. 

That point on up until today, I always crawled through a harder side of living.

Working twice harder than the masses in order to grasp an achievement, it’s used to my blood veins by now.

The point where I live on from the days where my breaking point almost caused my absolute failure in life during my teenage years of broken family, is nowhere to be judged as to now.

I safely landed in a place called tertiary institution, where I expect all the intelligent people gather.

The environment here is harsh at first, everything seems a new reality to engulf.

Once again it took me time to indulge myself, sublimating my being into the life of a university student.

Awkwardness in making friends due to my painful history, slowly fade away although still remains until today.

Undeniably, all things that I had now is an accomplishment that I obtained from crawling silently within the society.

The abilities that I’ve lost due to my piercing childhood history, slowly returned albeit not in entirety.

Mastering English over other languages, attitude of perseverance was the key point of my abilities.

The confidence that I’ve lost, smiles that submerged during my teenage days, rejuvenate as mushrooms grow after drizzle.

Now I’m almost confident of myself, where it’s the highest achievement in my life.

Undeniably, I’ve lost a lot of childhood memories & shreds of growth experience that a normal teenager should possess in order to mature well.

Sensation of falling in love, friendly conversations within a huge crowd, added with the naïve nature of been oppressed by individuals.

Now I’ve gained it a bit, however I’m still twisted as compared to other healthy-growing teenagers.

How to decisively determine my own statement, that’s the character that I still need to grasp on.

Now glad to God, I learned the true meaning of falling in love.

Vie always proclaim that I’m dejected in a relationship, it’s probably only happened due to my own obscurity.

Getting used of being left behind after aiding the people I care about, slowly I manage to catch the essence of human perception.

The perfect girl that I found became my life saviour, is she the one that I’ve been looking for that will erase my past misery?

After all the disappointment of life that I endured, now I’m a man chasing my ambition without almost anything to lose.

As long as the sun is still in the horizon, there might be a hope should I work hard to improve.

That’s what I’ve been doing all this while, unbeknownst by people.

I pray that someday everything will go my way eventually, where I would finally close my life book with a happy chapter.

p/s: This poem was my actual account on my days living as a teenager, between 14-18 years old.  Can't say, how much had I endured all those time. It's what shapes my mould today.

Endeavor, Staying Firm through the Rough Seas We Call Life

Laugh, even when you feel too sick or too worn out or tired.

Smile, even when you’re trying not to cry and the tears are blurring your vision.

Sing, even when people stare at you and tell you your voice is crappy.

Trust, even when your heart begs you not to.

Twirl, even when your mind makes no sense of what you see.

Frolick, even when you are made fun of.

Kiss, even when others are watching.

Sleep, even when you’re afraid of what the dreams might bring.

Run, even when it feels like you can’t run any more.

And, always, remember, even when the memories pinch your heart.

Because the pain of all your experience is what makes you the person you are now. And without your experience: you are an empty page, a blank notebook, a missing lyric. What makes you brave is your willingness to live through your terrible life and hold your head up high the next day. So don’t live life in fear. Because you are stronger now, after all the crap has happened, than you ever were back before it started.
― Quote by Alysha Speer

Feelings Played..Game On, Or Otherwise?

Picture Courtesy of http://mypointsofview-miech1982.blogspot.com/2012/06/gaining-freedom.html

The question here is, why.  Yeah, sometimes we consider ourselves to serve sincerely, nourishing the thoughts of people around us with the perspective of us feeling pleasant with whatever we’re providing them.  Be it emotional comfort, motivational support, warmth treatment, unprecedented attention, or just simply tucking their well-being into our norm like slipping a 5 inch smart phone into your pocket.  You felt at comfort, so does them.  Everybody lives happily ever after.  Or so does it goes.  You can have all sorts of feelings for a certain person.  If for male, they could felt accepted, feel normal at their peak, or the final ascension, falling in love with their counterparts.  For female, they could felt appreciated, able to neglect the awkward tension about their opposite sexes, or just like male does, falling in love with their opposites.  However, is everybody treating each other sincerely? I doubt, the ratio amount of people who could be considered with attitude labelled “Nice” or “Bad” doesn’t goes proportionally to each other.  One outweighs another.

So, just define the both terms in a more viewable container.  If a person treating another well, just like their own brethrens, it’s almost possible what things that they could accomplish for that person.  If they’re older than their counterparts, most probably they would try to act like an elder towards that person.  Putting the importance of the person that they care about far greater than anything, providing an essential bonding for the people they love in all sorts of methods they could think of.  If it’s the way that the people who cares about their opposite is younger than their counterparts, a mutual feeling known as “respect” will surely arose.  They respect their counterparts in everything; manner of living, accomplishments, or sense of treatment.  The stuff that I mentioned is for the scope of a person respecting another person, in a sense that relates people who have no blood relation whatsoever towards each other in a manner that the society perceive as, “Liking” or what I proclaim “Social Enlightenment”.  It only works, should both sides have no inner intention towards each other.

Now, it’s the exact opposite.  What would happen if we care for another person with a motive; be it intentionally or unintentionally.  Relating my own experiences so the story links, this perspective can be related like when you fell in love with another, the type of relation that is slanted towards one-sided clap (or, painful slap).  Relationships exist via early respects about a person.  It can be in a way that you prefer: enjoying how they scold people, the soft tune in their voice, their presence’s aura, or even the most down-to-ridiculous excuse of their fashion sense.  Feelings bud, as you started to feel an attachment towards your opposite.  Worst case scenario, you might felt so comfortable with that person’s presence that you started to portray your “inner dumbness” with each & every one of their presence.  I remember an episode of Jimmy Neutron Boy Genius, “slap-happy”-ing in front of his crush Cindy Vortex (that cartoon character with a head like a walnut) even though he’s a genius that supersedes NASA.  When you did this too much, people might have the perception you’re a pushover.  Even if you like that person (boys like girls, & so on).  The trust that you constructed, it’ll definitely shatter should the moment come when the person profess their true emotion.  

So, it came to the question that I asked earlier.  Why do people toy with each other’s emotion?  Yeah, they could conceal it in a sense that they act different to what they think in order to shield their actual view about us.  They could even act harsh towards that person, in order to camouflage what they actually wanted to profess.  Which way is better?  Is it good for you, if you already could acknowledge what they wanted from you & act neutral as if nothing’s going on, or return to reality & do what a logical person would do?  What I want to relay is, feeling is something abstract.  There’s no percentage to totally describe its current state, measurement to decide the volume of its concentration, or comparison mediums to accommodate its real status.  We can’t pour our full focus towards people that we care about, as later even the slightest endeavour would reflect back our good opinion about those people. 

We really must open our views on the society, judging people’s actions unbiased.  Even if we expect the good actions of people who’s nice to us as being actually “Nice”, or the bad practices of people who shuns us as being truly “Bad”, things just doesn’t seems as it should be.  Retreat when you feel cheated.  Recuperate when you felt at ease.  Reserve your feelings for people who actually expresses sincere care about you, not artificial feeling.  That’s logic.

A Tale of Two Cities

Picture Courtesy of www.edsaplan.com

Remember that time when we hang out by the riverside near your house,

Evading the stares of people, who expected us having an intimate relationship.

By the way we laugh, sneer with each others' humor.

It’s funny that day, how a few moments of pouring out our thoughts could be that relaxing.

I must say, we walked quite a distance that day.

Not only judged via the inches that the road transpires, but even from each of our own point of view.

Relaxing had never been on our motive, however it became the accomplishment of that day.

Where we just sat there, staring at the streams of water flowing just like the blood rushing down our veins.

An afternoon that I’m full in tummy indeed, where you stuffed me with foods that I feel on the verge of bursting.

“Enough already, even my mom don’t feed me this much!!!” I cried voluntarily, accompanied by your laughter of epic cheerfulness.

Even after my rejection, countless of stalls you visited whilst bringing titbits from those food stands.

I found out your objectives, that I accepted with a sense of relief.

When we sat by the river streams, you turned to sudden silence.

My mind filled with curiosity with the revelation, that it also brought my speech to a halt.

Both of us stared towards the wide oil palm plantation, as if it’s a soccer field with a blazing match going on.

Accompany by the chirping of crickets, occasional splashing of catfish by the riverbank.

Without realizing it, we talked for a couple of hours with the dusk approaching.

I sensed that you’re lonely in the heart, my soul weeps silently with every verse coming out from your lips.

With the decision of being on the consolidation side, I became your ears to pour all your heart’s desire.

I didn’t regret the lost moments for my other task that time, as it was I consider to be filled with absolute goodness.

One point that I feel proud about yourself is, no doubt your integrity of maintaining your own stand.

From facing all those problems that would have brought a regular person towards insanity, you judged your own life with your own perspective.

I’ve never felt comfortably subtle, as that’s among my life moment that I didn’t conceal my actions nor my expression for an outsider.

It maintained my belief even until today, where I remain unmoved by the commotions caused by hypocrite individuals.

If time could be leased, that’s among the moment I treasured the most.

In all my years of experiencing friendship, how I had to be considerate over my own limits.

Where are friend like you, would it still exist up until today?

Where I hoped people won’t behave beyond misconception, concealing their motives with every actions taken.

Actual honesty is brought to life through a pure intention,

Without it all efforts to prove oneself’ sincerity would be gravely futile.

What friends truly are, that’s up to everyone’s conception.

As I believe people like you are a rarity, whereas I prayed entities like you would never be gone.

                                                                                                                 
        
                                                                                                                this is dedicated to a friend.

My Perception on the Word L-O-V-E...

Been gifted with sensitivities for others may seem beneficial at some point, & even self-prickly at others.  As I’m raised in a family mixture of multiple proportions aside from my childhood schooling with a majority of crowds which are an opposite race of my own, I may had been slanted to others’ culture too much.  However, it opened my eyes of the various perspectives that I had for others regarding the very timid word people used to express themselves: L-O-V-E.  What is truly defined by this wording?  Via Merriam-Webster dictionary, “Love” is meant by strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties.  It is a human emotion slanted towards affection, based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests.  Put together in simple terms, it could even be meant by warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion.  Since my age of exceeding adolescence (probably) of leaving the number 20, I’ve been placed in various situations that made me constantly review the terminology of love.  Seriously even when my interest is more towards code programming in university, I vow to discover what this wording meant some day.

Love for your family, it’s no doubt a compassion far exceeding your other care for people in your vicinity.  They’re the individuals that had been seeing your every single behaviour, be it eccentric of generic.  They’ve living with you through pain & sorrow, sewing up your feelings whenever you’re down or they might be the reasoning behind it.  However, you still discover a sense of peace & tranquillity during their presence.   Love for your family is a strong binding seal that could propel you towards moulding your own future.  Since I’ve been living within a mixed culture family, I could claim that my family is not like those people would perceive us, the “higher-educated” people were.  Gladly to say, there’re individuals who’ve been my sole motivation of pursuing my studies further than my current state was.  Citing them, one of them is without a doubt, my mom.  She’s an example of mine that’s comparable to Margaret Thatcher & Mother Theresa.  She’s a fan of this prominent figure herself.  

My mom’s love for us, is undivided.  Probably by the time that I’m young, I often misunderstood her intention of giving my upper siblings a better attention from the sense of finance.  We, the other 2 smaller lot often get lost behind.  I dare to say, even when I’m 20++ I still don’t have a driver’s license.  That’s because we’ve given up a lot of our luxury for supporting the both of them with their PhD & degrees respectively.  A lot of stuff that I saw people could own, is beyond my grasp.  As I’m near my degree completion, slowly I manage to foresee mom’s effort.  Few months ago when my hand phone is problematic, she kept on contemplating on me to be patient.  As soon as I got back, she bought me a new Sony smart phone immediately.  4 months ago when my PC broke, leaving me 2 months without computer to face internship, she immediately bought me a new Ultrabook right away.  As she believed I’m among my siblings who could succeed, she worked her dual job as a teacher in primary school & tuition centre to support us.  And I never dare to ask a penny even during my tight days.  This condition made me believe my power of pursuing Master after this, so I could save her life from the man who’s causing her misery.  Who knows, I will get my Doctorate if it’s possible.  You got to believe in maternal love, a mother would never fail to support her children even if it would cost her freedom & happiness.  I was deeply scarred every time I saw Mom’s sacrifice.  That motivates me to work harder.

Loving another individual might be comparable to a blank canvas.  You’re the artist that sketches the detail, bringing out the ideas dormant within your mind to an abstract of visualization for others.  For these years in a foreign land, pursuing my ambitions, there are various instances that I perceive is love.  When you love someone, it changed your inside, even if it’s just a tiny portion. The very first puppy love that I expect would work out, turns out to be a misunderstanding of my own feelings.  She misunderstood it as well, & even led the crowd to being despicable as well. I cared for a friend that I thought share the same feeling as I am.  We had so many similarities to begin with, but in the end it felt like I’m the one who would sacrifice anything just to live a day to accompany her to go through her hard times.   

The one I thought is a simple caring toward others, turned out to be one of my most genuine emotion expression on someone.  Silently I care for her, whilst living to see her happy from my presence.  She is my ideal match maid of Heaven.  She often carved a smile on my face, even during out hard times.   I understood, our love might not meant to be. Maybe someday, the same type of person would come into my life & respond to my affection.  One of my lecture content, “Love is given to us by God in order for us to return it to the needy.  We can’t expect the same proportion of treatment or love been given back to us as a consideration for whatever we did for them.”  Yeah, it’s true.  Been a loner with vicious scars people unaware about, I’m almost impatient of waiting for my ideal partner to help me bliss up my day.  However, hope there’ll be changing of hearts & people would give me “love” in return.  Ironic isn’t it, for me to return back what I mention previously.  However, I timidly wait for that day to come.

Caring and compassion are among the strongest tool of emotion.  Loving someone is just like pursuing your destination on a hectic highway.  Your might begin your journey from a small pathway, diverging into a midway with no cars to hamper your intention.  Proceeding further into the highway, there’ll be numerous branches with approaches that determine the time intake for your entire journey.  This is the determining junction; a road branches out for you to choose.  Be it speedy way that you’ve selected, or the approach of slow-&-steady to reach the destination safely, it’s you who shape your own destiny.   It’s similar with love.  You can be guided b the budding sensations that it possess, be it to your own preference or according to your opposite entity.  However, loving is something that should be handled with care & given utmost attention in detail.  Doors can’t be barged in, flowers can’t be fed with excessive fertilizers, & wrong keys can’t turn over incompatible doorknobs.  Subtle your loving heart with balanced proportions, so as it’ll not harm you internally.  Like my case, I studied the farther I could possibly reach for my loving Mom, & I care for those that I love even if my feelings weren’t returned in equality.  Love, it all depends on sincerity, not obscurity.

“Love does not emit only one colour. It is a variety of different colours. Don’t be overwhelmed. You can complete love without the physical part.”

One Warm Word (Korean Drama), Yoo Jae Hak: episode 11