What is a friend? A question that for myself, remains a
riddle. As there’s so much incidents
going on recently, it makes me always reconsider the actual definition
pertaining one. Giving my own conceptual
definition of it, a friend is someone that you get along after spending time
with them for a certain period of time.
Maybe there’s a wider scope of its meaning, but somehow I still
considers it to be a nice refining of the whole concept. Okay, enough blabbering.
Up until 1 month ago, my life had never been in a tidy
arrangement. Since Nasirah’s
departure, I really sense a hollow
trench deep inside. Blame it on my
nature of only socializing with people that I prefer & be most comfortable
with. Up until now, my actual amount of sincere
friends could be counted by mere fingers. Retelling an incident that made me outraged
up to the extent I decided to block my blog from outside entrance, it’s about
how you could lose trust even in people you consider as your friend. Precisely 1 month and 5 days ago, the social
media had been my turmoil. I was
attacked on that day, starting from the moment I reactivate my account. Perhaps God give me a flick that time, that I
insisted on stopping at the library’s foyer just to reach out my notebook for
mere 30 minutes. “……Enough of this **na person”.
The person posted this status, without noticing my presence. Her pal added oil to the flame. “……Enough
of this ***** person”, she commented.
Of course, fill in the stars.
F-A-R-I-D. I was embarrassed by
how she would go as far as to intrude my blog, and at the same time my emotion went
on steam, just like an oven fire. On that night, she continued her hijack on my
feelings by posting remarks on how she didn’t want to be taken care of by me,
how she’s stubbornly rejecting her handicapped condition, and cursed me a bit. Surprisingly it got a heck of likes, even
from my closest friends. They couldn’t
possibly think that the person that she mentioned isn’t ME. I’m the only one who’s having a desire to
maintain a blog, where the language is alien.
Coming out from nowhere, my fingers tapped like crazy a cursing note, as
well with final apologies included. I
never curse that hard, well not with vulgar words of course. I sent it to her, then I awaited for 3
minutes where I instructed her to copy it before she read it. If she really did as told, it’ll trap
herself. Then I immediately blocked
her. From there, I felt uncomfortable
for about a few weeks before my mind eventually passed on the idea of me ever
fell in love with a person as harsh as her.
Up until this moment, I had felt finally at ease, because I
had released this poison. But I never
thought, the follower that I entrusted with (her friends of course) would reveal
what I mention there & betray me that easily. I already identified these culprits &
scum. Before I swore that I would get them to the bottom of Earth if I had to. But after my soul searching journey this few weeks, somehow I forgive them. Maybe
it’s their nature that’s unavoidable: bossy & nosey. Someday, their partner would feel just the same. Everything that’s happened, actually both of
us never had any intimate relationship whatsoever. After the love expression, it became
this. I ended my friendship with
her. Whatever happens after this, I
would never even give a thought to care.
Only last week when we have major classes that I encountered her, after
1 months sharp passed. Her expression after
seeing me? I ignored her. In my shred of hearts, a little piece of dignity still remains. Maybe I had finally moved on from this
miserable friendship. But I also thank
God for giving me such a testament.
Should I ever been in relationship with her, & if one day we ever got married
somehow, our household won’t be that harmony.
Cause whatever a couple experiences before their maritial woes won’t be
that smooth when they live and sync.
However I had lost trust in all Malay girls, for now. Be it like that. This experience had really taught me the
perspective of relationship. It was my
biggest mistake of gusting into this web of conspiracy in the first place. 3 semester of confused feeling huh? Before in this early semester period I admit,
I had tried means to reconcile with her.
Volunteered to be in the same group as her, performing some minor tasks,
it’s just an effort for her to feel that she’s not owing me anything
anymore. I’m willing to repair this
relationship, so that she would feel at ease with my every presence. Let her feel, “Wah, Farid is here. That’s a
relief.” However, I don’t quite
figuring out her mindset; the thing’s got complicated as time progresses.
I’m not blaming it on her injury that made
her sensitive to remarks I made, but judging from what I see perhaps I’ve paid
too much attention to her in the past.
Maybe, she felt that when I suddenly gave another person my focus, she
might lose the only person who cares for her.
That’s my opinion. After that
harsh remark of hers, I’d really lose sight on looking for a companion, at
least for the time being. My credibility
of how tender Malay girls could be that’s building up from 21 years spent
living within Chinese community, might had been slightly dented. I mean, not much people here in Perak aroused
my interest. I get to know people, say “Hi”, greet each other every time
bumping into each other, then the habit fades gradually with time. Now I even see those Malays that always had a
warm greeting with me, suddenly gnawed with our encounters. People, sometimes you can’t seem to satisfy
them much. Perhaps they expect you’re
playful like them, would break the ice by sharing common interest & having
prep talks, then starting to blend in by shoving each other in the chest and
saying harsh words that normal politeness wouldn’t compromise.
However as time progresses, I sometimes do felt like I’m
missing whatever that we did together.
Should I never express my feeling towards her, things probably won’t go
that awry. We maybe would still remain
friends, maybe even closer by now. As I’ve
been growing up in a miserable family, unsupporting environment, I admit that
sometimes I might be sensitive about mutual relationships. She’s been commenting about how I shouldn’t
only be in a single social circle, and think outside the box to obtain more
friends. I mean, I’ve been like that for
like…ever. She misunderstood the part
when I told her about my clash with my housemates, how I only had a few as my
true pals. Wrong indeed. That’s among the reason where I felt like
leaving her might be the better option to be.
Can’t take her comments that didn’t even know me from deep inside. Like how I’ve known Nasirah the past
semester, it’s not even been half a year but I dare to say that my relationship
with her might be ever closer than when she’s living with her housemates 24 hours
a day, 7 days a week. That’s why even
though we forge a strong bonding, our relation never went beyond a pal-to-pal
boundary. That’s another reason why I
never want to be close to some of my course mates. They act like that. Perhaps, that is the primary reason why I
felt so dejected. People respect us for
who we are, but they are awkward once it comes to social matters. Slowly but silently, I’ve been able to accept
this fact. When the moment I decided to
make another new account, it’s due to escaping some of them that I couldn’t
avoid been prayed on. But it may have also
bring in confusion and dissatisfaction.
Some of them had even thought I blocked them. So I’ve been spending this period alone, soul
searching for how I could conclude this issue.
And so far it’s leading me to only countless blank expressions. Man, it’s tiring. Even created a Tumblr account as an
alternative to my blog. There, I felt
that I could release my tension in a more gentle way.
Talking about my course mates, there’s someone who I’ve been
constantly been paying attention to.
Want to say she’s my course mate, not quite.
This person is what I perceive, the real definition of “silent killer”. She’s so concealed in everything, yet she’s
fond of her surroundings. I’ve been her
fan for since the 3rd semester, at least before I fell in love with
****. What the heck. Don't want to mention her anymore. Let it slide. She's on the same university as I am. Sometimes, I monitored this person's blog, posts &
stuff. It's like reading a novel or sort. I'm not exaggerating. I noticed a pattern of her behavior. She never forgets her friends back in the
high school days. She well balanced her
social circle, be it here in university or back at her village. Some of us might have the tendency of
evolving nature, less friends in high school & more here vice versa. But she’s different. At first I thought she might be as well as I
am, dejected by society & secludes herself.
But she’s very mature in her behavior.
Her writings & status, it tends to express the older side of
her. Like a guiding star or some
sort. The more spying work I did, the
more amazed I am by her attitude. She’s
a high scorer, pretty in complexion (well,
yeah…), and most typically, she’s not a conventional Malay girl. She tends to be alone, but when she’s
socializing you could actually feel her warm hospitality. Nowadays I rarely see her anymore. Not the same class, not to mention the same subject.
Remember the time where we had the same class
back in the 3rd semester. “Wow, the face, appearance, she’s stunning……”. God, I get naughty that time, but not to THAT extent. My stupidity of perceiving her as somebody
else might be the reason why I fell in love with someone else. You know who.
An older girl with similar complexion also attends the class, and I
thought that it’s her. I misunderstood
that she could grow THAT OLD in mere few weeks, so my interest dies down. The role interchanged week after week. So, my attention towards her gradually
disappears with time. However, recently
I started to follow her blog recently. I didn't notice that she's somehow emerging again. Maybe she’d noticed it by now. So, maybe I would back down a bit. Hurm, a nice candidate maybe? But I’ve shut my heart. Maybe if I had the gut to start again, it’s
not too late to start anew. She's far away man. Couldn't even apend time to get to know her. Date, perhaps? But if we
are fated, maybe, just maybe we could…wow.
If there’s more people like her could exist in my university, maybe we
could indeed become teachers with full integrity. I respect her, and her inner perfection. My closest pal already knows who it is by guessing, and they agreed by my
preposition as long as I'm not the miserable one anymore. So, it’s up to my gut to do
what needs to be done. Nah, pass~
My 3rd resolution for this semester: become a full
Li Shengshun character-calm & unbiased might could be realized. It’s probably because I’ve spent so much time
alone, after leaving the social reality that is AT20. My perception towards my course mates had
really been altered. Disappointed by how
they would make a simple opinion based on what they only see, but not by asking
the actual person who’s experiencing it.
I’m not an important person to always mutter about how people should
respect our opinions & stuff, but by how they act behind us is the best way
to decipher their true opinion regarding us.
I admit, I might miss her a bit, but the tears I cried for her is not
worth it compared to when it flow when Nasirah left me. Forever, no one could ever understand your
pain but yourself. People would only add
salt to the scar, sprinkle oil to the ember, but rarely you’ll find someone who
would keep quiet with you on a table, look at you in the face, and keep quiet
just to listen to your problems. Like my
friends in university: Ernie, Asyraf, Kuan Shan & most importantly Nur
Nasirah. Even my family is treating me
biased, but it’s a sensation that everyone felt sometimes when your family
members are all at the top.
With the remaining 2 ½ semesters to go, I decided that no
matter how painful you would have to endure, friend is just a tip of the
iceberg. You need to sort out the better
side of them, fit your nature with theirs, blend in, and let time decide should
you are meaningful to them or the contrary.
Don’t misunderstood someone who you thought mutual for the previous 3
years, but their awkwardness to you is just like they’ve been knowing you for
only 3 weeks. Like my case with
Syazwana, it ended that way. People made
us feel horrible of our relationships.
In the end, it breaks just like they predicted it. I don’t want others to experience my misery,
but let it be a moral for us to look for true friends that we could put our
full trust on, and we could die for them just to see their happy expression.
No comments:
Post a Comment