Again, my life
had been caught in a web of conspiracy.
Conflicts are a common sight when you’re stepping into the world of
maturity, but it depends on how well yourself could handle all those
mind-boggling stuff. As of today after
last week’s conflict with someone within my surroundings, once again I found
myself caught in the net of sticky quarrels, partly due to my inattentiveness
to allow myself to be pushed to the extent of being bullied. Now, I’m sick officially, partly flu, fever,
and nausea. Congratulations, Farid. You’ve exceeded your limit of patience, that
your mind is converting those negative depressing thoughts into germs that had
overcome your antibodies…
A part of myself
is filled with anger, but mostly disappointment with my “former” flame, the
woman that I loved & endeared so much without a single shred of
reasoning. My cognitive engine is
empowered by her imaginary expression of apologizing to myself, while firmly
stating that she just wanted to be my FRIEND.
Here’s what’s been going on that’ll lead to this problem. A few weeks ago, myself is attracted to a
watch item sold by my course mate ( got to admit it, it’s stylish & trendy
although it’s not water-resistant). So,
during my trip to the National Arcade (we went there for some History
research), I repeatedly inquiring my good pal Fikrul to order 2 of those for me
(with purple for her, I know she’ll like it & brown for me), & so he
did the next day. My heart shrugged with
delight once Fikrul brought the watch the very next day, handed it to me. Man, purple looks so nice, bet she’ll love
it. That’s what I initially thought. And that became the artifact of my misery. During that very evening after I ended class,
she texted me about it, repeated inquiring about my motives to give her that
pretty little waist decorative
item. She said that she did have in mind
to order it, however due to insufficient cash she deferred her intentions. I was so happy as a man that I actually made
her glad about the same thing that came across her mind, which is the
watch. Sweetness lingers a few days
after that. However, it ended in
depression that I had today.
A few days ago,
she texted & called me about the very same incident. She told me that there’s a slight flaw in the
deliverance of the gift; it’s been handed over IN FRONT of the entire class,
with my name been mentioned in between.
She asked me to imagine about how embarrassing it had been ever since
that people acknowledged my intimate relationship with her. It’s as if she doesn’t want anything to do
with me anymore. With people repeatedly
gossiping about me in front of her (some of it was the very same person that
had read my blog), it had initially reached her boiling point. Prior to this incident, she went to Perlis
for some interview with a prominent Senator.
After she returned, she keeps on texting me, telling me to meet her
because she had something to hand over (I know that she couldn’t take my common
courtesy, she is definitely going to pay it back soon enough), but I never expected
the cold shoulder that she gave me when I rushed to the library’s spot of
leisure, accompanied by 1 of her friend.
When I reached there, she didn’t give me the usual grin that she exudes
with my appearance. I guess it’s
probably due to her friend’s appearance on the scene, didn’t think of it
much. What surprised me after that is
not just the item that she insisting on giving me, but how freezing the
environment we’re both in. A keychain,
Winnie the Pooh’s. I told her that I
love bears, I get it. But after she gave
me that, she looks like she’s not going to enjoy my presence in the
compound. So, after noticing the slight
change in her behavior, I left the scene with a cool aura, not causing any
suspicion to her that I maybe feel dejected.
How heartbroken I was on that day.
A week after
that, the same scenario happened. She
suddenly contacting me, asking whether I feel dejected about her post in FB
that she deeply shuns people’s perception about us coupling (she didn’t mention
my name in the entry, however 120 people of my course knows it’s definitely ME). So, the very same text that I perceive she
sent, maybe inquiring about my well being & stuff is constantly the same
content: SORRY. I mean, I just don’t
know how to answer her anymore. I really
give up quite some time ago. She didn’t
notice that I constantly posting about heart-broken status, that it’s referring
to HER. So sad, that our relationship
eventually ended like this. It couldn’t
hold much longer. The problem arose from
her impatience to handle people’s critics, be it should she really DO had
feelings for me. I mean, it’s just so
sad. A few of her friend privately
inquiring about the matters to me, whilst they had used some offensive term in
order to console my “colour”online. Did
they reject the possibility that my emotions are somehow involved, not just
one-side pain jerking? Is it my fault
that this stuff happened? I’m just doing
fine with her, not until all these disruptions appear. Wherever there’s sugar, there’s ants they
say. The message ended yesterday, when I
decided that I’m through with her. I
didn’t reply her text via phone nor FB. As
I’m accompanying my friend Nurul Nasirah (her pal as well, they did some outing
right after that) to visit some pet store near the vicinity of my crib, we
share together a lot of things that I THOUGHT may be true. She advised me that our relationship may not
meant to be, as from what she hear, I’m suffering a lot even prior before it
officially started. She asked me to love
her as a friend, not across the boundaries.
It’s better left that way, than 2 side ended up in pain. Even a phone call with my mom today (we
usually talk about depressing stuff regarding our household, but today my mom
truly acts as a MOTHER to me, consoling & advicing me) eventually cleared
my conscious a bit. If I’m healthy at
the moment, I may not feel this bad.
So it comes to
this. I’m only imagining things all
these while. All my efforts went in
vain. My heart, scarred in the name of
love for the very first time. My happy
composure of feelings with her harshness in nature, been flushed down the drain
at this very moment. I feel a deep void
of sorrow, revolving in my veins, forming an agglutination of fetish lump known
as SADNESS. To my dear “colour”, why do
you feel indebted to me so much? It
hurts me inside when you constantly mention about the term “good friend”, “let’s
keep it to just that”, or “Sorry if I hurt your feelings…”. After all this while, can’t you feel it? Why is it happening? I’m deeply sincere in everything that I
provide you. I like your harshness, your
smile, natural composure, everything.
However, things aren’t just going to go our way anymore. I swear I’ll avoid her after this, decreasing
our contacts, because TIME is the cure to this sickness. These are not the only conflicts that I had
within these 2 weeks. I even fought with
my History major group mates, as I couldn’t stand their queerness &
dominating nature to me as a male in the group.
The corrected my every line of work, reading it as if it’s a primary
school essay, deploy me on solo missions of interviewing, editing a lot of
pictures that they thought it’s easy, using a tone of discernment when talking
to me (as if repeating everything I said, then with a simple negation “No!!!”
rejects my opinion), even left me with fury over the improvised perfectness
they demand on their work. Didn’t they realize that they’re the kind of people
that would be the upperline of social hierarchy, looking down upon their
subordinates when they’re out in the deep blue sea of occupation? I snapped last Tuesday night when I opened my
FB messages, when they cussed & accused me of not cooperating to finish the
sudden required interview transcript. I
really cursed them that night, finishing the 57 –minute interview summary then
delivered them to their inbox. The
quarrel continues on the next morning.
As my anger haven’t completely receded, I mentioned about the reason
behind my dullness to my buddies (Fikrul again, with Syamsul this time). Little did I expect that they’re
eavesdropping from the front. So right
after the class, they dragged me out of the class, continuing on with their so
historian-like fact debates. They complained
that I shouldn’t reveal their weakness to outsiders, although they may seem at
fault. It’s also my mistake, I admit that
I went astray to express my anger. With
a constant revolving on the main purpose of group project (that I think they
didn’t accomplish themselves), besides repeatedly stating my weakness that I’m
literally snapping, I eventually gave up to everything they said. I know that they just wanted to improvise the
“everything is halal” concept, where they didn’t want any dissatisfaction
lingers after the task ended, thus affecting their chance of obtaining a “halal”
A in exam. You see? How hypocrite people
these days can be. Fortunately, there
are some individuals that I know may still have a sincere heart to earn.
This time, I
really felt sick due to these matters.
As now, I’m praying deeply to God
to repent all my sins, bless people who care sincerely about me, & may He
guides the way of those corrupt people that continues on to manipulate the
sensitive nature of people such as myself.
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