A Collection of My Photoshop Arts...Not Infringed!...(Part 2)

      Our holiday had passed 5 days, with me dulled in assignment mood even until today.  After I wrote the previous poem, my conscious sort of cleared some bit.  Not all but, in a sort of way that I'm not aching by the name of my "colour" anymore.  Talking about her, it seems that she had a happy & excited mood related to me.  Probably because after our faculty's Annual General Meeting (AGM) last Monday when I texted her to be careful on her way back, she feel deeply touched.  After all, I've constantly been ignoring her everywhere, be it via phone nor social media.  Even her presence kind of made my heart shatter every day.  Maybe she thought I have forgive her mistakes, but as humans even I had critical sins too.  However after our interchanged grins within the lecture hall where the meeting is adjourned, it kind of gave her the impression that my wounds are healed.  Does it?  Since then, she messaged me every night via FB, always started with the smiley face ^-^ to show me that she's excited.  Well, we can't perceive beyond the computer's monitor can we?  I'm kind of stuck with the revelation that every time I see her, my feeling towards her fluctuates a bit.  That very night, I re-evaluated my thoughts of her, as she's the source of my unseen happiness & somehow invisible misery.  Enough blabbering, Farid. :-)

      As promised long time ago, there's a few stuff that I would wanted to publish in my "diary", but due to the fact that I'm still blurred this holiday with my assignments that I'm trying to rush on before semester reopens & re-closes (it's weird this semester, as we had mid breaks now, then resume session for a week, then holiday for another), I'm still trying to grip my feet on the ground.  See, I'm metaphoring without realizing it.  So, as to conceal the previous heart-wrenching entries, I'll post some of my Photoshop arts online......again.  So, thanks for the people who constantly visited my humble "diary", just to view some of my miseries that I couldn't mention face-to-face to others, and my eye-budging confessions about my love fruit.

1 f my faculty event, the moment when I'm starting to have feelings for...

This is my messed-up Photoshop arts...

Life in 2nd semester

Just did it last night, illustration of my pals in uni. :-)

Well, she's in there~

Previous entry, remember? ---My Secret Interest...Model-Making---

Our trip to a nearby river...this pic is not that neat, haha...

Did this 1 in commemorate our recent Hari Raya Haji (loners who're stranded here, me & my pals)

Photo credit to Canon website.  Thought it's great, that I modify it's indigo & purple curve...

Notice anything familiar? Yup, the previous wallpaper...:-)

I made this to release my dissatisfaction of her cold attitude when she gave me the keychain...

What I made for my foster sister...haven't seen her in the past 6 weeks, so hectic...

I made this for the person who bullied me alive, now I'm still in the session of silence with him...

Perceive Judgment, Exude Living Conclusion

                                                           (photo courtesy of http://www.shayari.in/shayari/lounge/12930-some-real-thoughts-life.html)

Voids of sorrow, despair pelted through the astral oceans of dignity,

Transcends my scent of humility, blanketing over the pasture of sensitivity within subconscious,

Guilt dispersed vigorously throughout, perception of the proper alignment of thy judgment,

Concepts of sanity, sanctity & temperament, all withdraw into a confinement of interlocking faith,

Symbolizing my failure to perceive, where decision-making all crumbled down to smithereens.

As I tried to grasp the essence of consciousness, inner confident slated down the slopes of envisioning,

Conjectures of silent discernment, tears flowing down dry whilst evaporated from none,

Identities clashes by an inch of friction, sparks of dissatisfaction dispersed throughout the walls of TRUST,

Crawling unnoticed, angst withered and bloomed like uncontrollable seasons of change,

The black warrior in the brink of defeat, slowly the fury of battle dims and nearly halted.

Trebled by shyness, the black warrior gloom down under the moonlight resonance,

Reminiscing of his experience, chanting down slowly his atonement of failures,

Not to just himself, but also acquaintances and his brethren,

Of how he failed to endow his precious ones, most dire was his endearment,

Commotion of emotions tangled within, by him unable to intertwine the facts from the fiction.

Partially his immaturity to decide, whether his struggle of illustrating his new self is precise,

As failure encompasses the trails of past burdens, atonement of his sins of incompetence,

Blushed with the acknowledgement of not surviving prior mission, the warrior brush aside his emotions,

Now hanging by an inch of critical composure, assignment of inhumane values refilled his day,

With the question remains, should he defer his inability to nurture or by continue with the flow of deceit.

He couldn’t stand the sight of injustice, be it when the worlds are flipped against his will,

The smell of incomplete humility, shoved down the nostrils like an empty wooden chimney under siege,

The words of apologizing, whether it’s on the right terms or just when people are sentiment GUILT,

Confining into a crate of empty promises, whilst being heaved to him during his moment of anticipation,

As blank promises filled up his day, the remaining confidence aura went back to square one.

Concluding his suffering, living up his day with silence and tear moist within his eyelids,

He shrugged on the failure of people who refused to comprehend, nor himself who failed to deliver,

He wondered whether his day will arrive, where everything goes without a hassle,

On how he could obtain the love of his endearment, or whether success looms on his barefoot,

As the silent despair that he had over the years, left unattended and unaided,

Crawling under the street lamp of dim future, shackling his norm of positive believe.

<11.43 a.m., Wednesday 23^rd October 2012, UPSI library>

Please, No More Misery...

Again, my life had been caught in a web of conspiracy.  Conflicts are a common sight when you’re stepping into the world of maturity, but it depends on how well yourself could handle all those mind-boggling stuff.  As of today after last week’s conflict with someone within my surroundings, once again I found myself caught in the net of sticky quarrels, partly due to my inattentiveness to allow myself to be pushed to the extent of being bullied.  Now, I’m sick officially, partly flu, fever, and nausea.  Congratulations, Farid.  You’ve exceeded your limit of patience, that your mind is converting those negative depressing thoughts into germs that had overcome your antibodies…

A part of myself is filled with anger, but mostly disappointment with my “former” flame, the woman that I loved & endeared so much without a single shred of reasoning.  My cognitive engine is empowered by her imaginary expression of apologizing to myself, while firmly stating that she just wanted to be my FRIEND.  Here’s what’s been going on that’ll lead to this problem.  A few weeks ago, myself is attracted to a watch item sold by my course mate ( got to admit it, it’s stylish & trendy although it’s not water-resistant).  So, during my trip to the National Arcade (we went there for some History research), I repeatedly inquiring my good pal Fikrul to order 2 of those for me (with purple for her, I know she’ll like it & brown for me), & so he did the next day.  My heart shrugged with delight once Fikrul brought the watch the very next day, handed it to me.  Man, purple looks so nice, bet she’ll love it.  That’s what I initially thought.  And that became the artifact of my misery.  During that very evening after I ended class, she texted me about it, repeated inquiring about my motives to give her that pretty  little waist decorative item.  She said that she did have in mind to order it, however due to insufficient cash she deferred her intentions.  I was so happy as a man that I actually made her glad about the same thing that came across her mind, which is the watch.  Sweetness lingers a few days after that.  However, it ended in depression that I had today.

A few days ago, she texted & called me about the very same incident.  She told me that there’s a slight flaw in the deliverance of the gift; it’s been handed over IN FRONT of the entire class, with my name been mentioned in between.  She asked me to imagine about how embarrassing it had been ever since that people acknowledged my intimate relationship with her.  It’s as if she doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore.  With people repeatedly gossiping about me in front of her (some of it was the very same person that had read my blog), it had initially reached her boiling point.  Prior to this incident, she went to Perlis for some interview with a prominent Senator.  After she returned, she keeps on texting me, telling me to meet her because she had something to hand over (I know that she couldn’t take my common courtesy, she is definitely going to pay it back soon enough), but I never expected the cold shoulder that she gave me when I rushed to the library’s spot of leisure, accompanied by 1 of her friend.  When I reached there, she didn’t give me the usual grin that she exudes with my appearance.  I guess it’s probably due to her friend’s appearance on the scene, didn’t think of it much.  What surprised me after that is not just the item that she insisting on giving me, but how freezing the environment we’re both in.  A keychain, Winnie the Pooh’s.  I told her that I love bears, I get it.  But after she gave me that, she looks like she’s not going to enjoy my presence in the compound.  So, after noticing the slight change in her behavior, I left the scene with a cool aura, not causing any suspicion to her that I maybe feel dejected.  How heartbroken I was on that day.

A week after that, the same scenario happened.  She suddenly contacting me, asking whether I feel dejected about her post in FB that she deeply shuns people’s perception about us coupling (she didn’t mention my name in the entry, however 120 people of my course knows it’s definitely ME).  So, the very same text that I perceive she sent, maybe inquiring about my well being & stuff is constantly the same content: SORRY.  I mean, I just don’t know how to answer her anymore.  I really give up quite some time ago.  She didn’t notice that I constantly posting about heart-broken status, that it’s referring to HER.  So sad, that our relationship eventually ended like this.  It couldn’t hold much longer.  The problem arose from her impatience to handle people’s critics, be it should she really DO had feelings for me.  I mean, it’s just so sad.  A few of her friend privately inquiring about the matters to me, whilst they had used some offensive term in order to console my “colour”online.  Did they reject the possibility that my emotions are somehow involved, not just one-side pain jerking?  Is it my fault that this stuff happened?  I’m just doing fine with her, not until all these disruptions appear.  Wherever there’s sugar, there’s ants they say.  The message ended yesterday, when I decided that I’m through with her.  I didn’t reply her text via phone nor FB.  As I’m accompanying my friend Nurul Nasirah (her pal as well, they did some outing right after that) to visit some pet store near the vicinity of my crib, we share together a lot of things that I THOUGHT may be true.  She advised me that our relationship may not meant to be, as from what she hear, I’m suffering a lot even prior before it officially started.  She asked me to love her as a friend, not across the boundaries.  It’s better left that way, than 2 side ended up in pain.  Even a phone call with my mom today (we usually talk about depressing stuff regarding our household, but today my mom truly acts as a MOTHER to me, consoling & advicing me) eventually cleared my conscious a bit.  If I’m healthy at the moment, I may not feel this bad.

So it comes to this.  I’m only imagining things all these while.  All my efforts went in vain.  My heart, scarred in the name of love for the very first time.  My happy composure of feelings with her harshness in nature, been flushed down the drain at this very moment.  I feel a deep void of sorrow, revolving in my veins, forming an agglutination of fetish lump known as SADNESS.  To my dear “colour”, why do you feel indebted to me so much?  It hurts me inside when you constantly mention about the term “good friend”, “let’s keep it to just that”, or “Sorry if I hurt your feelings…”.  After all this while, can’t you feel it?  Why is it happening?  I’m deeply sincere in everything that I provide you.  I like your harshness, your smile, natural composure, everything.  However, things aren’t just going to go our way anymore.  I swear I’ll avoid her after this, decreasing our contacts, because TIME is the cure to this sickness.  These are not the only conflicts that I had within these 2 weeks.  I even fought with my History major group mates, as I couldn’t stand their queerness & dominating nature to me as a male in the group.  The corrected my every line of work, reading it as if it’s a primary school essay, deploy me on solo missions of interviewing, editing a lot of pictures that they thought it’s easy, using a tone of discernment when talking to me (as if repeating everything I said, then with a simple negation “No!!!” rejects my opinion), even left me with fury over the improvised perfectness they demand on their work. Didn’t they realize that they’re the kind of people that would be the upperline of social hierarchy, looking down upon their subordinates when they’re out in the deep blue sea of occupation?  I snapped last Tuesday night when I opened my FB messages, when they cussed & accused me of not cooperating to finish the sudden required interview transcript.  I really cursed them that night, finishing the 57 –minute interview summary then delivered them to their inbox.  The quarrel continues on the next morning.  As my anger haven’t completely receded, I mentioned about the reason behind my dullness to my buddies (Fikrul again, with Syamsul this time).  Little did I expect that they’re eavesdropping from the front.  So right after the class, they dragged me out of the class, continuing on with their so historian-like fact debates.  They complained that I shouldn’t reveal their weakness to outsiders, although they may seem at fault.  It’s also my mistake, I admit that I went astray to express my anger.  With a constant revolving on the main purpose of group project (that I think they didn’t accomplish themselves), besides repeatedly stating my weakness that I’m literally snapping, I eventually gave up to everything they said.  I know that they just wanted to improvise the “everything is halal” concept, where they didn’t want any dissatisfaction lingers after the task ended, thus affecting their chance of obtaining a “halal” A in exam.  You see? How hypocrite people these days can be.  Fortunately, there are some individuals that I know may still have a sincere heart to earn.

This time, I really felt sick due to these matters.  As now,  I’m praying deeply to God to repent all my sins, bless people who care sincerely about me, & may He guides the way of those corrupt people that continues on to manipulate the sensitive nature of people such as myself.

Consent, Heartful of Rejection......Somber Thyself

It’s approximately been 18 days since I served a dosing of my own stories into the realms of public.  I mean, the previous few entries had only been filled with poems of my own making, some who’re inspired from what actually occurring within my scope of conscience.  It’s verbs of metaphors, shielding what I want to convey to the individuals who’re behind them: the ones who put my patience to the limits, aches my heart content, simmers my soul with joy, & scoop up my sandbox of curiosity.  People who read it may think I quoted it from somewhere, but it’s actually of my own composing.  No aid of lyric, people’s mentioning, or so forth.  So, this time I build up my motivation to compile what happened in my surroundings after inspired by last night’s incident.

Well, there’s nothing that suits my identity in this institution the best, amongst them is the fact that my passiveness is hectic being exploited by unscrupulous people, or beast as I describe them.  The biggest example lives in my household.  The damn I care if he reads this entry.  As I previously mentioned, there’s some “guy” who stings me up to my conscious of patience every day.  Be it his actions, verbs, or simply perceptions, he’s just simply outrageous for someone to be hold stand to.  Been living with him for about 4 semester now.  There’s a novel of mine in the making that describes his attitude perfectly, so I’ll leave it to the 8 pages of essays to be released before allowing the audience to fully interpret how this pitiful individual should live on later to consent every shred of his actions.  Preference of equal "domains", constantly chatting on the phone, are some of the annoying stuff that he did that drove me and another 1 of my roommate up the wall, as he commented as well.  After his confession to me (which I deeply regretted today), he expect that we could took things for granted.  Well, honestly it’s weird even for a man’s degree of liking. We could accept it, but just don't play that obvious.  I mean, actually why did he still prefer to remain to study?  All those thing  that he did, it doesn’t convey an action of a university student.  Citing some of his deeds that I thought were megalomaniac, he prefers to use my stuff rather than his.  A few weeks ago, we each went for our own grocery shopping (there’s a history of how this happened, that he left me to purchase on his self).  I was so angry that I bought a whole bag of rice for myself, which we initially had a deal of sharing.  5kg is pretty much for 1 person.  Cooking oils, eggs, etc are some of the basic food that I bought to sustain my dinner.  However, he started to use up all of my stuff, which forced me to replenish them again over the weeks.  I mean, what do you think?  Annoying trait number 1.  And worse still, he played dumb about it.  As an Islam, we believe in the principles of correcting our brethren whenever they're at fault.  So, is it counted as me resenting, or just expressing my dissatisfaction? If it's the former, then I might had made a sin for myself.

There’s last Thursday that we went on our usually night life, cooking for ourselves after 7 p.m..  But due to fatigue, I lied down for just a few minutes after 6.30.  The moment I lied on bed, footsteps were heard scurrying downstairs, then some aroma of steamed rice came shooting from the kitchen.  I ignore those details that time, though he bought his own.  The next moment I woke up at 7, my heads were hanging by his deeds.  He said to me, “I cooked my rice in the kitchen, you can scoop a small portion of yours afterwards.  Don’t need to cook anymore”.   My, someone actually cooked for me that day, I perceive.  So, I walked to the kitchen, and see that my rice bag is GONE.  The whole content is in the POT.  Can you imagine how pissed off I was at that time? He did say “MY RICE”.  For English it means he bought it himself right? Correct me.  I could stand that they’re not doing household cleaning, or so, but using up my stuff?  That’s just too much. He even broke the promise that we mend in the initial stage of our living together: cooking pigs with my presence.  Last 3 weeks, he actually fried pigs-in-a-can using the same wok that we used to cook with.  So I had to spend a fortune just to purchase on an investment that I THOUGHT won’t worth it as he’ll use my stuff to his heart’s degree of content.  I lived better when I’m alone last semester without any pressure, can even sing in the room.   Now, I’m cursing alone in my heart.  Another event occurred just last night, almost identical as the previous 1.  The difference, he MONOPOLIZED every tool that’re used to prepare food.  Heaters, woks, pots, he use them all.  And I can bet that he left them unwashed, so the next victim could be the freelance CLEANER (I am).  And so, I’m left with a croaking stomach this morning because I only ate biscuits & 2 pieces of bread last night.  Individuals like that who bullies people around should be sacked according to what they deserve for a religion’s view.  Couldn’t take the gaiety anymore.

Actually after been caught by 4 nightmares just now after unnoticed resting for 1 hour after class, I’m inspired to write this entry.  Dreamt that my handphone exploded, girlfriend slapped me, people shrieked, are among the bad dreams I had.  Feeling very frustrated these few weeks, with a few minor history assignments to rush.  Been to KL (National Arcade) & not shopping last week, PWTC, field work with my not-so-humid group, are among the realities that I had to face these 2 weeks alone.  Moneys fly, friendships put to the strain, bullied around in your comfortable compound, I took them all.  A pity event happened between me & my crush “colour”, where we’re the constant tease material of my coursemate.  I mean, this had gone too far.  Even if we’re ACTUALLY coupling, people can’t hurt her feelings like that.  I tried to distance myself so as to avoid any more fatalities to her heart, but from the complaints that I receive straight from her inbox, she’s somehow affected.  Feeling sorry as I cared for & loved her that much.  Everywhere I go, people would chant her name, where it’s even a much more worse case for her to bear.  She mentioned that people tease her with “Li Shengshun”, “Li Chong Wei”, all my nicknames to her degree of patience.  I know deep down that’s the factor that repel our relationship one step further.  It’s so crazy with every paparazzo trying to catch a glimpse of me and her together.  Wicked, like Justin Bieber.  Should I express my feelings here? Nah, I’ll keep it to myself this time.  The last incident is when I gave her a present, indirectly with my friend as a mailman.  Couldn’t believe what I hear.  My friend just, gave her the stuff while mentioning my name IN FRONT of the class.  So, imagine how humiliated she is.  But, she’s still happy to see me, that’s filling my voids of sorrow from all these environmental bullies.

As for my daily living, there’s literally not much improvement.  Although I wish that I would be as busy as I can, so as to avoid the presence of the person that I DESPISE that much in this house.  Planned to move, although I KNOW its an impossible feat.  Woke up late a few times before class, getting late even after receiving a gift bike from a dear friend, feels like jelly on the weekends, I don’t know what’s going on inside my head.  Looks like my synchronized living of organization had slowly been affected with the presence of my roommates.  I’m afraid my results would plunge down, but I swear I’ll strive to my best.  Tried to alter my appearance a bit this semester, but it just doesn’t feel like myself anymore.  It’s like I’m living to please people’s expectation .  So, Farid, be honest to yourself.  Do as well as you can.  Fight if you dare.  And, do your best to improve yourself.  (I’m talking to myself……)  So, in this entry, I would like to pray for my mother & brother’s well being, my "colour" being successful in anything that she does (wish she would do better than me), her mother in good health, & myself to stand out as so not to get bullied that easy anymore.  Amin. :-)