Pictorials: Absurd, Obnoxious Compilation

      Today ends with a lingering sense of numbness; something that I could spar well before.  But, these few days had been a real tie for me.  Actually, this is the continuation of the previous entry; however it will be in a more detailed phase of elaboration.  It's the final of it.  So beware, I'm finally going to reveal who's been on the back of my noggin', boggling with my subconscious.  But I'm going to insert some experiences that I had today as a concrete supporting pillar.

      The day begins with me waking up later than usual; as I'm hyper-tired from all the assignment completion (mostly group tasks) yesterday, added with a zing of class streaks until 10 p.m.. Luckily, the periods in the middle (2 - 4 p.m.) for today and yesterday (my Systems Administration subject) had been dismissed.  Well, that's not a very good news too, thinking about the replacements we'll had later after hols.  Yes, we officially started our mid-semester break tomorrow.  But not mentioning about it further.  It's all pictographs now.  When I ran into the bus this morning, all the way from my house, I expected to see my crush to be on it as well.  But, up in the front is my autumn gal.  Well, she just did what she did well: avoiding eye-to-eye contact.  I don't really care anymore.  But when I encounter her yesterday and today, I felt like she hated me for not greeting her with our every encounter.  Sincerely sorry about that.  As I sit at the farthest end of the bus tail, I couldn't catch any glimpse of my beloved.  So, she might had another alternative to reach our venue.  So, as the bus reached our destination, I tailed my "autumn" until she eventually confronted me at the buildings' intersection.  She REALLY DID ignore me.  That's the 1st pain of the day.  Check.  Fortunately, something went well in our class presentation today, so I didn't give it a serious thought.

      As the class at 2 p.m. got deferred, I had ample time to do work.  As I returned from the lab, I noticed my Sarawakian buddy's presence in 1 of the lab nearby.  Popped my head to greet him.  Then...(this is getting nowhere, I'll just skip to my emphasis!!!)  Somehow, my ability tingles inside, telling me to stay back as I could feel her presence in the lab too.  So, I waited for my buddy to come out to ask for a book he borrowed earlier.  She came out indeed!!!  But, she too IGNORED my presence and greeted my new good pal (he knows about my liking towards her, as we've accomplished the same group work in last semester with her as a group).  She's wearing a brown headscarf and a yellow "baju kurung", accompanied with her usual sense of social harshness and air of sternness, just walked past me who's grinning foolishly at her.  I DO feel stupid at that time.  Within her few moments of departure, I held my chest and yelled "The pain, the pain..." to my buddy who's laughing at that time.  I mean, I felt the pain literally.  No joke.  Only today I do felt that I am still sharing a mutual feeling towards this person.  As I reminisce about her attire earlier, I did remember that there's a same silhouette in the bus earlier.  Was it her? If it is, how come she just play dumb when she sees me, contrary to previous timings when she'll smile until her teeth slants to the side whenever our heads popped oppositely?

      I absolutely couldn't engulf this emotion.  It's different from my family feuds, in a sense that it's more prolonged however killing the victim softly.  Is this what my foster sister called a love break?  Last few days ago, I had vowed online that I wouldn't activate my FB account, as whenever I see her happy-go-lucky status, my heart sank with the thought that she didn't even care to forge relations with me anymore.  I deeply regret that I would even step in the same class with her and her accomplices.  I thought that when we present within a same compound together, sharing the same subject interest, equal level of inquiries, that would had make us bond closer.  Boy, was I mistaken.  Is it that my appearance isn't pleasing enough? My walking stance? My interpersonal skills? I admit, that's my flaw from a dark history of adolescence growth.  But, I'm in a process to recover from all the traumas that I've felt over the timeline of 8 years ago.   Nobody could comprehend that.  To give a proper mental picture of her identity, here's the few pictorials that I promised:

This is by FAR the clearest clue of indication that I would add note.  I give her this.  But, it doesn't go very well though...

 

Her name IS in there, among the profiles.  Guess 1?

Guess 2.  No, it's not drawn by a child...

The gal beside me is her best companion. Ok, enough guessing, LOL... Not the middle posing female, she's so NOT my cup of tea, hehe...

      
      Probably I'm too obvious on this 1, need to use this holiday to refurbish my identity: to recover what actually differs my current living and interpersonal skills to what I had before I went through a painful 4 years of constant insults and humiliation.  By now, after  expressing who she actually is, I absolutely confident that my feelings towards her had significantly diminished consistently over time passes.  Is it because I'm using the same torn bag (not passing its 1/2 year of purchase validity, darn those PC fair vendors), walking a slump pose with the same black shoes worn last semester, same attires, hairstyle that's shabby (I altered a bit of it actually, only people closest to me would have even  slight notice), verbal ability that's even more fragile than a male opposite possesses, or worse still, my multilingual capabilities? I'm afraid that the day when all my weakness would lump asunder and forbids me from proceeding in life is finally here, out & about my other life outside my hometown.  Now I really had the will to change all this.  Not because I failed in this premature relationship, but it's for my future sake.  Outside, people won't be so forgiving as where everyone recognizes you and your timidity.  It's a world-eat-world scenario.  Maybe she acknowledges my fondness and tried to retract from proceeding further with the misunderstanding.  Wish I'm raised in a non-conflict family.  I never tasted the actual healthy growing environment, so up until now I remains in the same timidity that I had precisely 8 years ago.  So, when the semester reopens, I vow to change little by little. Never rattles whenever there's a presentation, practices hard to firm my body structure, voice out loud, talk more, and relaxes myself a bit more.  Wish I could do it.  need to reminisce during this week's break and had an inner conversation that's truly productive, not retracted.