I've just ironed 14 clothes straight, did laundry for 3 days in a row, clamped in the same seat for more than 6 hours the least. That's how this holiday had become. Sometimes, it really pisses me off to see how well others did their spare times, while I'm just clenching my fist in a desperation to obtain just a security assurance of money assistance from home. Text-ed them a few times already, but they just did what they did the best: AVOIDANCE. For those that's been following up on my misery sharing (that's this page), you must had realizes that I've been updating almost consistently these past few days. Not because I'm hunger for attention, however it's the contrary. No more love stories this time. Yesterday, it's been like a hell of emotion turmoil for me. Thinking whether to call home (actually, I'm just deciding to ask about their well-beings, no other motives), going to my pal's home for a few days of "home-stays", but all this prior planning had gone to ashes. Just feel that my bond with others isn't as easy as it seems. It's better if I retract back in my shell for a few days the best.
Mentioning about my consistencies to update my diary, it's mainly because I'm not interested with that social networking page anymore. When I logged on, there's typically no activities to do. Nobody would even dare to chat along the spare time, as they're just busying showing off. In this context, they'll just post about everything that's boasting about themselves. These 2 days alone, I've seen countless entries of my course mates showing off their vacation particulars. I mean, although it DOES seems like sharing is caring, but that's not like it seems to be. People showing off their pictures of posing while cooking, limping behind statues, shouldering loads of bag packs, even when they're gritting that piece of meat between their jaws. For people like us who's stranded here, it's not a good experience to swallow. Maybe you're slightly well-off than us, that's why you'll be able to accomplish those vacation days. That's how terrifying the impact of social networking is. I once mentioned about a particular course mate of mine from my origin state. She's among the lot that makes me sick with disgust. Although my perceptions had changed towards her previously after doing projects alongside her, I'm typically shunning her proud behaviour. She's just among the examples of human qualities that I would proclaim ABSOLUTE ARROGANCE.
Sometimes when I'm on lock of FB, I'll see her comments and status that's not as timid as people's supposed to be when they're socializing; it's more slanting towards self-righteousness. Which jerk would like their own status? Posers, that's it. Not being outraged with her sociality, but she's among the best examples that I could give for a hypocrite individual. I even spending my time guiding her with various academic purposes; formatting magazines, studies, even covering up for her loopholes in her tasks with me. But, as I've mentioned previously, now she's doing the same thing when people don't find me useful anymore: looked away even when we encounter face-to-face. That's just despicable human emotion that I could not withstand to the fullest. When you're mentioning about your activities, it doesn't mean that you would go as far as to make individuals on the sidelines to feel that they're dwarfs, literally. That's just an abomination which existence is to make themselves stand out among the crowd, no matter which situation it is. Sometimes we need to take into account people's sensitivities towards matters that they couldn't possibly achieve, not because when they excel on the same matters as you and they did just the same then you would mention about their self-righteousness. I feel that everyone's really hypocrites. Used to thought that living outside is just almost the same as when you're studying in pre-tertiary level, only without families accompanying yourself. Well, actually you need to add something to it: HYPOCRISY.
As I'm confronting myself yesterday, I noticed that I really hasn't gone anywhere even after studying here for 2 years. It's pitiful. Didn't even acknowledge the geographical location of Taiping is, while it's only 2 hours away. These Peninsular soil makes no difference if you're living in poverty; your willpower is insufficient to propel you to achieve your materialistic desires. I've never had that particular feeling summit when people manage to accomplish something that they desired. Never actually bought something that I want other than my necessities. Even need to calculate every penny from the spending to avoid it to make my limit of spending 10 bucks per day (if got extra prerequisites it'll obviously exceed ). Never bought clothes, except for the cheap 10 bucks shirts from my house vicinity's departmental store. 5 packs of instant noodles would make up for my 3 days of mid meal (the other half will be savored outside while I'm on duty). Buying foods and beverages twice per week so as to fill my desires for those costly meals that I couldn't afford. Should printing exceeds its budget range, I'll cook noodles at night. Like I said, never crossed in my mind to leisure my finance on shopping sprees, even for performing trips on the outskirts of Tanjung Malim. I see that people are so free with themselves. When they drained their account, they'll be backed by their "parental" banks. And they dare to claim that they're limiting their expenditures. Eat my dust, loons.
I'm pitying myself as even when I never request for extra expenditures, should I mentioned it to my families, they'll be less interested with my living. I'm an innocent, sorrowful person living everyday, fighting on the verge of my sanity to never give up on whatever I do. But, as compared to those that bluffed about their loneliness even when there's nobody to communicate with them, see my life as far more miserable than yours, lack of love and care, timidness, and unable to perform financially. You'll commit suicide or slant to the wrong intersection already should it be you. I'm no hypocrite, my depression maintains my judgment, and the lack of care from everyone surrounding me makes me strong, however longing for attention. But how should I perform when the very remains of my pillar is on the verge of demolition? Perplexing my ether reality within a subconscious that I would bear before it bursts into shreds.
"Alone is the sense when there's no one surrounding you to be relied on but yourself."
"When you're lost in the sensation that yourself is constantly within your perception and nobody else lies along the path, that means you've lost your being from the reality; in other words, you're on yourself. "
"Struggles that's too prickly to bear is a battle that you should give in, don't torture yourself with things that people twice as strong and brainy as yourself didn't even dare to maintain. "
"The grimy coin that's being polished would still had its moss persisting, although how hard the effort is put in clearing the surface. "
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