Prayer 4 My Dear...:-(

Embracing your love ones may be an impossible feat should you're not destined to be, however prayer is the best medium to mend your broken hopes. <farid, 3.18 a.m., 24.12.2012>

     
      After the recent heartbreak, it's not without boundaries that my feelings succumbed to depression.  However, ignore all those feelings.  There's something else that's worth more to worry.  An unexpected incident happened last Tuesday night.  As I was rushing on my work, there's sudden text from my good pal Ira (that I mentioned earlier in the entries) that my dear had caught up in a nasty accident.  Really, I don't know what to think at first, as I expected no more than an arm or leg fracture.  As my pal Kuan Shan called me in an urge of urgency right after that, I was utterly speechless.  That night, as I was attending a college gathering right in front of my home, my pal signals me to go to the hospital.  Even in the speech made by the UPSI authorities, it's aforementioned about her accident.  She and her room mate got a head-on collision with a compact car in the vicinity of our campus.  They got fling over from their motorbikes.  Never expected it to be THAT SERIOUS!!!

      After that, we rushed to the hospital, accompanied by 2 of my female friends.  Only God knows how my heart shook during that journey.  When we reach there, as I saw her weak look, motionless with the attire that I saw her donning in early that morning with her eyes at the brink of shutting, I nearly bursted in tears right within that confinement.  She still seems shy to face me after what happened a few days prior.  I wouldn't mention it, as people are notorious creatures that would twist any relevant facts. Her ribs, legs, arms, and shoulders (all are in the left side) are literally broken.  When she turned her face towards me right after she hold her broken ribs in pain, tears flowed down her cheek.  You could imagine it if it had occurred to you before.  So, I couldn't even stand beside her, couldn't even had the gut to hold for even 5 minutes as I consoled her before.  I avoided my eyes leaking water drops by running out of the ICU, with my pals following after that.  They know how devastated I felt, when they see my expression as I hold my saliva and look her in the eyes.  I prayed, and prayed later that midnight when her 1st scheduled surgery took place to join her broken ribs and shoulders.

      So, not composing long essays today although I got a lot to mention where my feelings broke down like hell.  Despite what occurred before, where there are so many misunderstandings that etched a very hollow scar within the trench of my soul, deep down I really pray for all my might that she's going to resume back to her normal health, where she would scold me for all those childish things that I did.  Scold me all you want, and I'll take it with a deaf ears as long as you're okay.  From here, I pledge to all who's reading this to donate a simple prayer to my dear ***a *****i for her safety recovery and surgery.  Although I couldn't care for her as her companion, a comfort as a dear pal would be suffice.  Please, please pray for her.  Thank you.

A Hand to Hold, But with Nothing to Withold......

Remember in the last entry that I composed a poem?  Yup, it’s to relay my heartache towards her.  It’s not without consequences and drama that I’ve been left out a battered person, be it internally or physically.  There’s a lot that I want to say, but the hectic schedule these few days had left me dumbfounded, bearing the pain that I wanted to express so much within myself.  So after passing out my minor assignments (as usual I’m doing the most work up until 5 a.m. 2 days ago), it felt so much relieved.  Without realizing, it’s been 2 months since I’m sleeping constantly at 3 a.m..  However as I walked around trying to regain my composure from so much emotional strain, I found that myself is constantly disillusioning within the realms of my subconscious.  What I’m going to mention here, it’s based on true account and without a doubt, my own recent experience.

Approximately 2 weeks ago, we had some sort of unofficial semester break.  It’s a continuation from the previous 1, where my university ridiculously extended the only 2 day vacation period to a week.  After constantly escaping from my home to my pal Syamsul’s house to finish some tasks with my IT hunks, they’ve nicely invited me to a trip with them: a trip to Penang.  I thought hard about it, since my expenses are quite limited by comparison, but finally I agreed to follow that motor convoy there.  Even had an intention, hoping to meet my ***a back in her hometown which’s located just in the vicinity of the Pearl of the Orient.  My hopes are held high, but soon enough I thought that the idea of going straight to her home would just be a ridiculous 1 to get me snagged by her household.  So, I told my pal to defer the intention.  We went for a stroll which if with my family & my housemates, would be a quite impossible feat to accomplish.  That very night after I posted about my whereabouts on her Facebook wall, she messaged me via FB.  The tone seems to discuss about something.  Assignments perhaps, so I told her to postpone her intention until I return to Tanjung Malim.  Little that I know, that’ll be the event that snapped my soul from the very core.

When I return from the very butt-sore, 6 hour bike-riding on the 15^th of November, my heart kind of feeling relieved.  My very 1^st outing in the Peninsula region.  When I’m trying to recover from my tiredness that night, she suddenly messaged me again.  This time the tone’s mixed with a batter of absurdity & seriousness.  I really didn’t know what she’s trying to express that time, as she’s beating around the bush or sort.  Not my fault for being slow in catching up. J After a scurry of Q&A sessions, we eventually came to a conclusion: she inquired me about the intentions that I had all this while, giving her key chains, watch, chocolates, & being the nicest guy ever to her.  I TRIED to escape the subject, but something came out of me that night that made me dare to confess my true feelings to her.  And so I did, telling her, “I love you a bit, satisfy?”  The answer after that, is an infinity of sickness to me.  She yelled out the holy verses “Allahuakbar”, while saying that she already foreseen it coming all this while.  She gently rejected me, without even so of a reasoning.  I was really dumbfounded in that virtual chat space.  She said that she appreciates me as a man, for everything nice that I did for her, but she only sees us as ordinary friends.  Not more, not less.  She didn’t even give me a concrete reasoning for her excuses.  I was only able to recap what happened in that conversational space a few days after, telling myself that what happened is maybe just a simmer intention by God to test His underlings.  But, my reality further shattered after that.  I thought that I could accept it well, but my heart weeps & my temperament turns into somewhat like a zombie. 

Hearts Unwavered, Silent Souls Sobbed with Gloomy Tears

(credit to http://syigimsharif.blogspot.com/2011/01/sad.html)

Beneath the fireplace that burns brightly throughout the dim night, the ashes of despair drifted along the flow of evening breeze,

Against the soil pavement that stilts firmly on the ground, the man weeps with his faith,

When everything that couldn’t be subjugated to is lost, he endlessly suffer under the stagnant flow of time,

The breeze came to a grinding halt, however emotions wavered like tornadoes sweeping through the leaf on the cold forest floor,

The fruit on the trees doesn’t seem getting ripen anytime soon, or so it should struck yellow on the moment where all hopes is gone,

As the split second when one realizes that they’re happy, they lost everything.

Concurrently emotions tick like a tense cable waiting to snap, the soulless carcass carries on the desire to live,

Exactly where it thought that it’s undertaken swiftly by the community, the painful truth silently emerges,

Mirrored by the blue lake of tranquility, the man only sees a shred of what’s been forsaken from him,

With the surface reflects nothing, the urge to depart the carcass enveloped the soul within,

The endearing smile slowly fades away, as concrete materialization of ether reality abstracts the inner perception.

With estranged destination in mind, the man crawls his handicapped foot to the direction of absolute uncertainty,

Coherently shovels the ground with his bare foot filled with scars, he bravely marched through the blistering heat of undermining discrimination,

Targeting against the brown ashes that colours entrail the sky, the child endlessly suffer beneath the stagnant flow of time,

The bitter fruit doesn’t seem getting ripen, as the moment one realizes they’re happy is the moment that they lost everything.

With 1 destination in mind, the blue lake surfaced reflects nothing urging the souls to depart from his unrealistic realm.

The freezing wind blows through the dawn primrose, shivering souls that passes through the vicinity,

When the one that he loves rejected his sense of reconciliation, the reality shatters like fingers dipping into the tranquil lake surface,

Echoes of disappointment dispersed his inner perception, encompasses the actual indulgence of his ever first love-on-sight,

Hearts are rent asunder, silent screams filled the lung cavity within the sane mind,

The shocking knife slits through the skin of vivacity, sensation of pain slowly emerged into his calm temperament,

The desire of love no longer remains, as the echoing voice of his endearment disappears forever.

With faith as his middle man, his soul entrails the very pavement that shatters each time a step is landed,

Signifying the dissolving of hope and sanctity, disappointment that he shoulders with each step he took,

Slowly abeit jolting sense of shocking judgment stilts his conscious, the rose that decorates the porch he’s passing is wilting,

As far as it seems, time needs to perform reconciliation and resonates the compassion that he questions within himself,

Due to the fact of his fading preferential judgment, he withstands the pain via experience and guilt alone,

But still, the man laughs while sobs within the darkness of night.

p/s: After I confessed my love to her, she REJECTED me. It finally happened.  Would discourse it in the next entry. :'(

A Friendly Reminder...

      This time, I'll speak less & more to the point. See below. :-)

See? This time I won't talk much.  Just look at  the image.  I did it on purpose...as they say, a picture worth a thousand words isn't it?

p/s: next entry would have more than 50 words...:-)

A Collection of My Photoshop Arts...Not Infringed!...(Part 2)

      Our holiday had passed 5 days, with me dulled in assignment mood even until today.  After I wrote the previous poem, my conscious sort of cleared some bit.  Not all but, in a sort of way that I'm not aching by the name of my "colour" anymore.  Talking about her, it seems that she had a happy & excited mood related to me.  Probably because after our faculty's Annual General Meeting (AGM) last Monday when I texted her to be careful on her way back, she feel deeply touched.  After all, I've constantly been ignoring her everywhere, be it via phone nor social media.  Even her presence kind of made my heart shatter every day.  Maybe she thought I have forgive her mistakes, but as humans even I had critical sins too.  However after our interchanged grins within the lecture hall where the meeting is adjourned, it kind of gave her the impression that my wounds are healed.  Does it?  Since then, she messaged me every night via FB, always started with the smiley face ^-^ to show me that she's excited.  Well, we can't perceive beyond the computer's monitor can we?  I'm kind of stuck with the revelation that every time I see her, my feeling towards her fluctuates a bit.  That very night, I re-evaluated my thoughts of her, as she's the source of my unseen happiness & somehow invisible misery.  Enough blabbering, Farid. :-)

      As promised long time ago, there's a few stuff that I would wanted to publish in my "diary", but due to the fact that I'm still blurred this holiday with my assignments that I'm trying to rush on before semester reopens & re-closes (it's weird this semester, as we had mid breaks now, then resume session for a week, then holiday for another), I'm still trying to grip my feet on the ground.  See, I'm metaphoring without realizing it.  So, as to conceal the previous heart-wrenching entries, I'll post some of my Photoshop arts online......again.  So, thanks for the people who constantly visited my humble "diary", just to view some of my miseries that I couldn't mention face-to-face to others, and my eye-budging confessions about my love fruit.

1 f my faculty event, the moment when I'm starting to have feelings for...

This is my messed-up Photoshop arts...

Life in 2nd semester

Just did it last night, illustration of my pals in uni. :-)

Well, she's in there~

Previous entry, remember? ---My Secret Interest...Model-Making---

Our trip to a nearby river...this pic is not that neat, haha...

Did this 1 in commemorate our recent Hari Raya Haji (loners who're stranded here, me & my pals)

Photo credit to Canon website.  Thought it's great, that I modify it's indigo & purple curve...

Notice anything familiar? Yup, the previous wallpaper...:-)

I made this to release my dissatisfaction of her cold attitude when she gave me the keychain...

What I made for my foster sister...haven't seen her in the past 6 weeks, so hectic...

I made this for the person who bullied me alive, now I'm still in the session of silence with him...

Perceive Judgment, Exude Living Conclusion

                                                           (photo courtesy of http://www.shayari.in/shayari/lounge/12930-some-real-thoughts-life.html)

Voids of sorrow, despair pelted through the astral oceans of dignity,

Transcends my scent of humility, blanketing over the pasture of sensitivity within subconscious,

Guilt dispersed vigorously throughout, perception of the proper alignment of thy judgment,

Concepts of sanity, sanctity & temperament, all withdraw into a confinement of interlocking faith,

Symbolizing my failure to perceive, where decision-making all crumbled down to smithereens.

As I tried to grasp the essence of consciousness, inner confident slated down the slopes of envisioning,

Conjectures of silent discernment, tears flowing down dry whilst evaporated from none,

Identities clashes by an inch of friction, sparks of dissatisfaction dispersed throughout the walls of TRUST,

Crawling unnoticed, angst withered and bloomed like uncontrollable seasons of change,

The black warrior in the brink of defeat, slowly the fury of battle dims and nearly halted.

Trebled by shyness, the black warrior gloom down under the moonlight resonance,

Reminiscing of his experience, chanting down slowly his atonement of failures,

Not to just himself, but also acquaintances and his brethren,

Of how he failed to endow his precious ones, most dire was his endearment,

Commotion of emotions tangled within, by him unable to intertwine the facts from the fiction.

Partially his immaturity to decide, whether his struggle of illustrating his new self is precise,

As failure encompasses the trails of past burdens, atonement of his sins of incompetence,

Blushed with the acknowledgement of not surviving prior mission, the warrior brush aside his emotions,

Now hanging by an inch of critical composure, assignment of inhumane values refilled his day,

With the question remains, should he defer his inability to nurture or by continue with the flow of deceit.

He couldn’t stand the sight of injustice, be it when the worlds are flipped against his will,

The smell of incomplete humility, shoved down the nostrils like an empty wooden chimney under siege,

The words of apologizing, whether it’s on the right terms or just when people are sentiment GUILT,

Confining into a crate of empty promises, whilst being heaved to him during his moment of anticipation,

As blank promises filled up his day, the remaining confidence aura went back to square one.

Concluding his suffering, living up his day with silence and tear moist within his eyelids,

He shrugged on the failure of people who refused to comprehend, nor himself who failed to deliver,

He wondered whether his day will arrive, where everything goes without a hassle,

On how he could obtain the love of his endearment, or whether success looms on his barefoot,

As the silent despair that he had over the years, left unattended and unaided,

Crawling under the street lamp of dim future, shackling his norm of positive believe.

<11.43 a.m., Wednesday 23^rd October 2012, UPSI library>