Remember in the last entry that I composed a poem? Yup, it’s to relay my heartache towards
her. It’s not without consequences and
drama that I’ve been left out a battered person, be it internally or
physically. There’s a lot that I want to
say, but the hectic schedule these few days had left me dumbfounded, bearing
the pain that I wanted to express so much within myself. So after passing out my minor assignments (as
usual I’m doing the most work up until 5 a.m. 2 days ago), it felt so much
relieved. Without realizing, it’s been 2
months since I’m sleeping constantly at 3 a.m..
However as I walked around trying to regain my composure from so much
emotional strain, I found that myself is constantly disillusioning within the
realms of my subconscious. What I’m
going to mention here, it’s based on true account and without a doubt, my own
recent experience.
Approximately 2 weeks ago, we had some sort of unofficial
semester break. It’s a continuation from
the previous 1, where my university ridiculously extended the only 2 day vacation
period to a week. After constantly escaping
from my home to my pal Syamsul’s house to finish some tasks with my IT hunks,
they’ve nicely invited me to a trip with them: a trip to Penang. I thought hard about it, since my expenses
are quite limited by comparison, but finally I agreed to follow that motor
convoy there. Even had an intention, hoping
to meet my ***a back in her hometown which’s located just in the vicinity of
the Pearl of the Orient. My hopes are
held high, but soon enough I thought that the idea of going straight to her
home would just be a ridiculous 1 to get me snagged by her household. So, I told my pal to defer the
intention. We went for a stroll which if
with my family & my housemates, would be a quite impossible feat to
accomplish. That very night after I
posted about my whereabouts on her Facebook wall, she messaged me via FB. The tone seems to discuss about
something. Assignments perhaps, so I
told her to postpone her intention until I return to Tanjung Malim. Little that I know, that’ll be the event that
snapped my soul from the very core.
When I return from the very butt-sore, 6 hour bike-riding on
the 15th of November, my heart kind of feeling relieved. My very 1st outing in the
Peninsula region. When I’m trying to
recover from my tiredness that night, she suddenly messaged me again. This time the tone’s mixed with a batter of
absurdity & seriousness. I really
didn’t know what she’s trying to express that time, as she’s beating around the
bush or sort. Not my fault for being
slow in catching up. J
After a scurry of Q&A sessions, we eventually came to a conclusion: she
inquired me about the intentions that I had all this while, giving her key
chains, watch, chocolates, & being the nicest guy ever to her. I TRIED to escape the subject, but something
came out of me that night that made me dare to confess my true feelings to her. And so I did, telling her, “I love you a bit,
satisfy?” The answer after that, is an
infinity of sickness to me. She yelled
out the holy verses “Allahuakbar”, while saying that she already foreseen it
coming all this while. She gently
rejected me, without even so of a reasoning.
I was really dumbfounded in that virtual chat space. She said that she appreciates me as a man,
for everything nice that I did for her, but she only sees us as ordinary
friends. Not more, not less. She didn’t even give me a concrete reasoning
for her excuses. I was only able to
recap what happened in that conversational space a few days after, telling
myself that what happened is maybe just a simmer intention by God to test His
underlings. But, my reality further
shattered after that. I thought that I
could accept it well, but my heart weeps & my temperament turns into
somewhat like a zombie.
 |
| See, the source of my despair....names are concealed for the sake of her discovering this site in the future...others know it's her right? |
2 days after she rejected me alive, she did something that
opened my eyes about her objection to my partnership proposal. She posted a picture of her and 1 of my male
course mates, sitting together during the PTM’s annual AGM meeting that’s been
held 2 weeks prior. It’s her pal’s deed
to upload the picture to her wall, but her action of setting it as her profile
picture truly awakened me. All those
theories about not having pictures taken with a male counterpart &
publicize about it seems to be a fluke.
I literally cursed within myself, with even my other course mates who
acknowledged my crush towards her inquired me privately about the whole
revolution. 1 of them who came to my
house, asking about my tutelage on 1 of our assignments had a long conversation
with me about this matter. FYI: he has
the very same initials as I am. I didn’t
know that he could be such a wise person, vice versa from his appearance of happy-go-lucky. So we had a chat, with me revealing about
everything that I’ve endured all this while with her. I even showed him some of the conversations
that we had online. I could see from his
impression that he got a lot to say about it.
He consoled me and revised me about the picture that ***a had with his
housemate, saying that it’s not the appropriate way for her to reject me. It’s a cruel approach indeed. However, as we delved deeper into the
conversation, I had a thought that he concealed some of his true opinion from
me. Maybe it’s me who’s been giving myself
such a hard time actually. Reserving my
feelings for these 3 semesters had been a tough egg to hatch for me, but
eventually I felt that should this incident happened at a later date, it might
have been more painful dagger to hold in hand.
Actually, I thought that I’ve been growing up to be quite a
sarcastic, miserable person. Everything
that I did seems at fault. My posts on
Facebook, everyone’s afraid to even give it a comment. Perhaps it’s because I’m using the language
that everyone’s afraid of, or they don’t have the experience to give it a
notion of advice. I’m quite lonely, but
it’s maybe to my own wrongdoing. The
rejection that she gave me, it may be a painful experience to hold because I
haven’t been growing up to be a clear, sincere person in heart. Due to the fact that I’ve literally have
nobody to rely to in this world; my parents are neglecting everything I did,
pals around me still had that “awkward” atmosphere around me, only left a few
people who’s actually would tend to have a courteous feeling towards me, such
as simply asking if I had dinner or so on.
Compared to others, my miserable self may happen simply due to the fact
that I inflicted it upon myself. It’s a
tough gum to swallow, as I’m disillusioning every day from that point on. During these period of concealing my true shattered
emotions, one of my pal Nur Nasirah sticks firm to myself. Wish ***a would be like that, but it’s all in
the past now… This girl, we blend in with each other well although it’s only
been a semester since I actually get to know her close. The stuff that ***a neglected to do, such as
walking in two’s, taking “couple” pictures, doing assignments together, eating
only in two’s, you name it. She did it
ALL in a short 8 weeks. May God bless
her for everything that she did all this while. :-)
 |
| She's Nur Nasirah. Sweet huh, haha...everyone around me keep on mentioning that she's cute. But only I realized it at a later date. Blame it on my slow-catching nature... |
Since I told ***a my true feelings, I started to dejected
away from her presence. I saw her in
cyber café, I scurried away. Encounter
her in class, I looked away. Manage to
bump into her in from of the eateries, I slipped away. Saw her in chat room, I go offline. Been doing it for a few days actually, but it’s
the most appropriate way for me to release myself from all this cancer. However, she’s been closer to me than she
ever was. Texting me to the verge of me
losing hefty sum of credit, calling me privately, even willing to attend the
same 8 a.m. class that I had yesterday (I thought so when she called me in the
MIDDLE of the class session, while I’m sleeping and awake at 9 a.m. from the
straining History work that I did until 5 a.m. the day before). It’s really, really painful first love to
lose. All this while, the effort, it’s
been proven futile. I’ve been silently strengthening my inner core, telling it
to go on with all the damage, because nobody in the world would be a better fit
to my cure than MYSELF. Wish that someday,
someone would actually accept me for every shred of faulty wires that I’m
entangling myself in, untangling the knots, and give me a tender hug that would
shoot me to the heavens. Perhaps,
someday that’ll happen. It’s a stinging
first love to lose, but from all the advices that came before its occurrence,
it’s the most right thing to do. Maybe
this incident awakens me from my slumber that I need to be more of a man that I’m
supposed to be, struts more confidence within myself, shredding all the
distrust and be more mature in everything that I do. Perhaps, people would feel better and
comfortable around me when I’m managed to subdue my inner weakness that’s been
my drowning stone all this time. So by
now Farid, restructure yourself, endure the pain, and prepare yourself for the
final battle this coming year fall.......
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