New Layout

      Can't believe I'm here again, in only 2 days' time.  Usually, I'm not this "aeng" (have ample time), but after I arranged my study timetable, I realized that there are still time for me to relax a bit.  Don't want to tense myself too much.  As today, I really can't stand their attitude towards me anymore.  They're inhumane and lack of morality.  Are every 1 of them act like that? Less comment, the better.  I make a decision to run away tomorrow after attending an IT seminar.  Let them be free of my "annoying" self, if they feel uncomfortable with me.  I've lost my respect for them, be it to even chat with them.  Let this jerks be a part of my painful memory.  As I wrote this entry, they're snoring loudly.  Wondering if I could sleep later... I really want to lessen my communication with them so that they'll slowly lose sight of my true self.  Let me be evil, I can't stand their arrogance.

      Once again after visiting my blog often these 2 days, I noticed that my blog looks quite...ordinary.  But, let it be, as I'm currently trying to gain experience in the world of blogging.  Changed my layout.  Probably my other 2 love stories won't be updated in a while, unless if I'm under a disturbed state of sanity or just feeling like it.  The original purpose of this diary is to express my entire feelings anonymously, in a sort of complicated manner so that people who read it will have a twisted state of mind; and able to evaluate every actions behind my reasoning.  Didn't mean to confuse or showing off my skills or anything, but it's the actual virtual whiteboard where I could pour out my entire soul into expressing myself as I'm kind of mute in front of public, in other words, introvert.  So, I hope that my art won't be misinterpreted like myself being looked by the TESL students as showing off in my English class.

      I never dare to show off, even if it means to disgrace an immoral person.  I post everything in English, my FB, my emails, and, here. But, this semester alone, I understand why I'm not chosen into a linguistic course: TESL.  If I enter those courses, I will BE LIKE THEM.  As I see it, they always trying to show off their linguistic skills.  But, given should an IT book full of codings is thrown at them, could they decipher it even if it is covered entirely in English?  I'm not showing off like those midgets, enough that I keep it to myself and to my dear pals.  Actually, there's a precise reason of why I'm posting everything not in my mother tongue language.  But, maybe I'll reveal it in the future to come.  And it's indeed a personal one.  Another thing that I would like to note about linguistic students (I'm really sorry if this may seem insulting), is that they're sort of...slacking off.  Ok, that's it.  As my entire house occupants is like that, I've experienced it myself on their work ethics.  Full of assignment load, busy, those excuses is a piece of lie.  But, they could score >3.5 in exams.  Maybe it's their course only, or the contrary.  I don't want to talk bad, as I'm heavily sinned my entire life.  It usually comes back to haunt me in an unexpected period.  I'm sorry for insulting them.  But I feel it's the honest truth.  Go figure.

      Actually, I'm just telling that I've changed my diary layout, but it seems that I'm slanting a bit towards venting my blind fury today.  So, that's it.  During this holidays, I need to do a lot of internal reminiscence to refirm my true path of life so that I wouldn't be treated like a beggar next time like I'm now.  Probably I'm worse.  Once again, thank you for those who remained loyal and maintains on peeking my diary once in a while.  Appreciate it.--->*-*

My "Chinatown"

      I'm nearly asleep after taking my coughing medicine, but just want to post something crazy as a sign of memorial before study week begins.  It's my Chinatown.  So, here it is.  The so-called place where I'm feeling uncomfortable.  I took these pics during my room mates' absence last week.  You all know why.  Read my post, haha.

<--Hehehe...Angry Birds craze, you see...-->

<--One of the most proud accomplishment of mine so far (as I didn't do activities much here), being a facilitator at A.U.R.A. event.:-)-->

<---My workspace.  There's my bag, you see.:-p--->

<--See how crammed my workplace is...but my knowledge is not that much unfortunately...-->

<--The blue one's mine.  So-called share in buying stuff, but we only share the cooker, the rest, well...-->

<--My cupboard.  Well, half of it actually, cause I didn't need much space and, you know, poverty forbids me to feel luxurious to afford one myself.-->

<--My bag.  Everytime I see it, it reminds me of how naive I am to carry 20kg of it + a sling bag + a backpack to the airport.  Really stupid, haha...-->

<--Recently, I re-started to read my favourite book.  Luckily UPSI library got it, and I'm lucky to find them.-->

<--The upper side of my mini cupboard.  See how crammed it is...-->

<---This signboard is what reminded me that there's actually people who cares for me, and not thinking negative thoughts all the time.->

Thanks For the Continuous Support

I ABSOLUTELY couldn't believe it, but my entries had reached a staggering number of 3000++!!!  Sincerely thanking Mohd Syamin Ismail, and to all my pals for your continuous support. 

The world is like a cliff: you could sniff the fresh breeze, but it's an infinite supply of air beyond the ocean.  That's how real the living is.

Thank You. (and to my special visitor who's constantly attending my blog, A*** K**********, you know who you are.) May God bless you all, and by reading my diary, you know the reason behind my emo-ness and depressed state.  T.Q.V.M. again from myself.

Quote of the Day:

"The sincerity of oneself isn't expressed by what they do, act or convey, but it's via how they actually trying to behave themselves naturally without feigning a sense of empathy."

Spring Waltz

      For the first  time in my UPSI life, my assignment is completed a week before the academic session ends.  That's next week. Usually, I'm busy even until the day before the final exam.  But, situation differs this time.  So, I got ample time to prepare myself before the so-called final battle, unlike previous semesters.  I pledge to give my best this time, not forcing myself like last time where I ended flat on the ground.  So, I will add another of my true account into display of the audiences.  Second of my life: the spring season.

      Although this season occurs before the autumn equinox previously illustrated, it's a sweeter side of myself, haha.  My spring leaves befall on my home state, the not-so-modern Sarawak.  It's the PLKN camp that's compulsory to be attended by all teenagers...er...I didn't need to explain it, right?  My lucky bullet landed in Kem Similajau, Bintulu.  My campsite is located right beside the sea, where the oil towers are located.  At night, this area appears luminous from afar with the constant release of gas residues from the oil towers into the dark forest sky, simulating a dragon exhaling breath.  It's a magnificent site.  I once thought it's the end of the world when I saw that there's constant explosion noise and burning blue flame shooting from nowhere.  But, guess I'm kind of naive, hehe.  I never lived isolated from my estranged family before, so I acted tough before my departure.  Not many people know that I'm admitted to PLKN service, but it's a good thing otherwise.  When I reach there, my timidity once again overpowered my former being of confidence, where I found myself inside a state of culture shock.  Great one.  I failed to forge relationship with the occupants there, as I'm too naive and couldn't be independent on my own.  I just did what I thought could be done, and refers to it as my everyday routine.  If I wake up at 4 everyday, then I will do just that. 

      A few days after my admission to this strange, mountain-bound, telecommunication isolated territory, I found myself in a terrible pressure, partially from my backaches and migraines.  Then, I snapped.  Literally.  Dring the breakfast sessions at 6.30 a.m., I ran across the wide cafeteria into my dorm, which is a 15-minute walk from the mountain areas.  I hid myself behind the buildings and called my mom, who's working in school at that time, crying like crazy.  So, there's my origin of emo-ness.  Yeah, I know.  It's embarrassing.  Strangely, my family also feels the same way as I did.  My little bro told me through calls that my mom couldn't eat for 3 days; my "dad" couldn't sleep at night, my PHD-sis called to inquire about me.  I swear to God that that's the last time I see my family get into unity like that.  They are nowhere close as that today.  Nowadays my mom doesn't give a damn of my well-being in uni.  It's me who calls home, not the otherwise.  Back to the story.  My family then devised a plan so that I could release myself from the traumatic lifestyle of PLKN.  For social-conscious individuals, they may found that life there is admirable, but for me, I couldn't stand it.  My family worked with doctors to rescue me home because I got a terrible back pain problems from my secondary school life.  After my family's touching visit to the camp and speaking to the commandants, I was finally promised to be exempted with the rules of a proper medical check-up.  When my "dad" attended to me that day, I see that he really loves me when he shed tears and told me to be courageous.  After that, my "dad" disappeared from this world.  His body still remains, but he's an entirely cruel person.  Look at my past reviews.  You'll get it.

      During the morning of my 8th day residing in this camp, I begin to be viewed as a Sumatran tigress; because of the special treatment that the wardens gave me.  They thought that I'm mentally-retarded, by my lack of confidence and the timidness of my verbal conversation.  Stand it, I told myself.  You are leaving soon enough.  The spring came right after that.  That particular morning, I was scheduled for a medical check-up together with 7 other members who's just as ill as I am.  The same case probably.  It was 8 a.m.  Still fresh in my mind.  We finished our breakfast after running, push-ups, and marching across the field.  As it IS PLKN, we must wash our own cutlery's.  The sink space is quite limited actually.  The perverted guys (I wouldn't mention why, it's what I saw they did...) just pretended to wash and talked to the girls,  Pervs, with some of them are originated from Peninsulas.  Strangely, they socialize normally to the people here.  What a damn, ham-sap (gatal) pervs.  I waited at the sink side for my turn.  Some Malay girls just winked and smiled at me.  Yeah, they thought I'm mentally-inable.  But some of them are my classmates, so they know the reality.  I just counter-smiled at them.  A Chinese girl caught my attention.  Kind of looks just like my Form 5 classmate though.  White, smooth complexion.  Noticed her during my first day admission.  

      I was about to do my dishes.  She's doing it for her friends, 2 of them as they couldn't find themselves squeezing into the savage Malay crowds.  Like I mentioned earlier.  Geez, it's just dish-washing.  As I placed my stuff in the counter, she grabbed it from my hand and washed it for me.  Wow...I'm shocked.  Right at that particular moment, she washed it while grinned a soft smile towards me.  I looked her into the eyes.  Really, suddenly a blue electric spark stuns my eyes.  Probably the morning sun ray, but for me, it's...wow.  We looked through each other.  Then she spoke in a soft, well-toned voice, English amazingly, saying: "Is there anything else I could do?" It truly touched my soul.  This girl doesn't look at me with the same perception as the others did.  She's a godsend being.  Her smile towards me is the most beautiful thing I had ever experienced, even from my autumn crush.  I told her that I can handle it, with English of course.  Then, she left me with another departing gift, a smile, accompanied by a nod.  I just stood there for like a minute, speechless while 2 Malay girls looked at me in a strange demeanor.

      My visit to the hospital after that is filled with endless visions of her imagery within my conscious self.  After I left there, I couldn't catch any glimpse of her anymore.  I did left PLKN a few moments after my constant check-up at the hospitals.  I never see her again.  However, God arranged our final encounter at Sibu airport, during which I'm sending my brother back to KL on 10th June, 2010, a few days before my own departure to Peninsula.  I didn't noticed, but it was when I almost left the departing hall that I saw her again, carrying a laptop and a sling bag, walking confidently across the ticketing counter.  I quickly turned back.  She looked exactly the same as she is 2 years back, still as innocent and sincere as ever.  That reunion is what I believe among the best unexpected gift God ever gave me.  However, she's lost without a trace now.  I couldn't even manage to get her number or even worse, her initials.  As the flight that time is slated towards Johor, I know that she's a UTM diploma student, probably degree by now.   If she's in UPSI now, I think I will chase her to the end, even if it cost me my life, haha.  She's better than the girls who ignores people here.  But, if God gives her back to me, then...it will truly wipe out the despair from myself and change me as a whole.  I guess that'll never happen, right?  She's my life's true first crush.  I just prayed that God will reunite us one day, not literally said. There's another of my love story for share...It's true, not fake.

 

Autumn In My Heart

Although I'm busy like always recently, I always had a thought of filling in my dusty, online diary.  So, while I'm having migraine now from 10+ hours on PC everyday, added with a routine sleeping timetable at 3 a.m. daily, I've decided to add a juicy story about my past regarding this hewey-dewey emotion that became almost as popular a Facebook, even before it's release in 2004: LOVE.

Before I begin, this is my probably marathon of 4 love stories that I had personally (and not infringed) experienced.  I'll name it after the ever-popular quadruple love drama that becomes the sensation of Asia once upon a time ago: Autumn in My Heart,Winter Sonata, Summer Scent, and Spring Waltz, with the first is the most painful and the latter is the most sweetest like corn ice cream perhaps.

My autumn season begin while I'm studying in semester 1, back in 2010 when I first entered university.  As I mentioned in my previous entries, there's 1 girl that I'm particularly had a fall on, even until this very day.  People close to me may know about this, but nah, I won't mention her name here. Who knows, she's reading... She's the one who managed to open up to me while I'm in seclusion, facing the harsh new reality that I would like to call as Universiti Pendidikan Sultan Idirs.  Her traits, well, read it down there, haha.  The sweetness happens during our encounters, when my heart nearly stopped literally from watching her sight of presence.  The season however, happens in just one single day which changes everything.  It was a collaboration night of event for the Chinese Association's annual CNY Festival: Pesta Chun.  I was, in fact, participated in it as a, you may not believe it, translator. My language capability, hehe.  They asked me to translate literally everything, from the emcee's dialogues to the slides that they're going to illustrate in front of the big screen.  This task feels just like a programmer, working off-screen unnoticed by the end user.  As I'm taking 9 subjects last semester, it nearly killed me, really.  I nearly passed on this work.  What could this job typically get me in? Certificates?  For my health?  Forget it.  But, after I've been acknowledged by my former room mate that "she" is in the dancing recitals, man, I accepted the job.  I translated everything, even from the Chinese dialogues.  Sai lei leh, haha.  Kidding.

The date approaches week after week and finally landed its feet upon a typically peaceful but cloudy Sunday evening.  I've make preparations and adjusted my schedule just so that I could enjoy that particular day without and intrusion from my house chores or my assignments.  I bought her a gift: chocolates, sweets, and everything related.  It doesn't cost much, but at least it illustrates my sincerity.  Then, I departed, dressed in my casual fitters, UPSI jacket, and a cool man pose.  When I get up the bus, I can't believe it.  She's on it, make-up and son on with her buddies, perhaps performing for the night too I thought.  I secretly texted her during the journey, telling her that she looks good (her hair is twisted in a manner similar to the lady actress in the older Star Wars movies.).  Just to give her a support, or otherwise.  I told her that I'm coming to the festival too, just to support my pals and to see my artwork, haha.  Then she informed me that she's nervous and asked me to wish her the best. And so I did.  I bought some bread (I didn't normally eat it as a dinner, but for her, what the heck, I'll do it...) from the nearby store to fill myself at night.  Then, I walked to the main hall where it is all located.

The show started, I don't want to mention the whole process, so I'll just skip to the climacs.  I waited for her performance, and there she is, dressed in white.  My God, I swear I melt at the moment.  I snapped a few of her pics together with my pal's recitals, just for keeps.  But, blame my low quality Nokia 3250 for doing a poor job, haha.  Then, after the unrelated acts ended (the hostess looks steamy with a black cheongsam that night.:-)), everyone scatters home.  I waited for my pals to snap some memorial pics with them.  I'm so excited about the chance of meeting her that I ignored the overview of my artwork that night. Then, at an unpredicted moment, she entered the hall.  Where's my gift, darn it.  However, my autumn started and ended at right an instantaneous lightning bolt.  I saw her, hands folded into a grasping arm of a Chinese exchange student.  I mean, everything ended at the moment.  My heart, really shattered in that dimension.  I don't know whether to smile, or cry, still dumbfounded and standing there.  She just walk pass me, ignoring my existence while I smiled forcefully to her.  Wow.  I immediately rushed home, running to the bus stop to my hostel without waiting for my pals to finish the business like we had previously planned.  I'm crying, walking while removing my glasses and staring blankly into thin space.

That night, I slept early without even had a mind to continue my work.  My room mate even felt curious with my change of routine.  I couldn't think anymore that night.  Only then I understand about how painful love break is.  I mean, I haven't even get it on, but already passed out in the process.  That's one of my seasonal love endings.  It really happened, exactly last semester in the month of February, the 27th day of it.  So, there it is.  I'm pathetic in relationship, even as we speak.  So, how do I will ever get it if I wasn't the one who kindles the flame of passion from my targeted passion? You decide.  Her name is: B** *E* ***I.  Perhaps the next entry will be more pleasing, right? +_+

My encounter with her yesterday inspires me to write about it today. *-*