Pain To The Heart... Love Truly Is A Cruel God's Phenomenon

     Pain to the heart. Swells to your knees. Sore to your eyes. Hollow feeling inside of you. That's what I want to describe to people who'd lost their hearts in the battle between two opposing forces which encorages and negates our decision: just for LOVE. I'm still quite a raw mineral in this profounding phenomenon who's guiding mankind since it's creation to have their partners. One recently, recently occurred experience leads me to taste the true sensation of what has been infatuating youths everywhere.  I just want to share my personal feelings in this matter. Forgive me if everything in this blog regards only myself and not valuable information to share, but it's mine right?

     Since I stepped into this compound, I have felt nothing but loneliness from family. I believe everybody experience that, so no further enclosure applies. But, in recent months, I had silently saving my feeling for someone, not that I'm starch or anything!!! But, it's the first for me. So, it tastes as sweet as strawberry.  So, months gone with me still infatuated by this single person, knowing that this thought may found 99.9% of failure to be realized.  I've laugh and grinned alone even when the moments become tough, reminiscing the fun moments I had with her. But, an incident fully changed my perception towards it.  She ignores my presence somewhere I would not disclosed, even though I clearly indicates my presence. 

      "Darn it, I already knew and predicted this outcome." I constantly telling myself on my way home. I mean, it's the first for me to have this feeling towards someone, but it's a bitter medicine to swallow or even passing through my nasal cavity.  It sucks, really. Sucks. It's the end of my budding feeling towards others.  I cried silently while my roommate surfs online, while lying on bed, remembering every single thoughts that I may had on her. This may seemed fanatic, but please, no more misconception anymore. Maybe people treat me different somehow, as I'm not like those rough males, I'm more of a gentleman, not "Gentle Man".

      However, I realized that I should focus more on other stuff and relinquish this cloudy emotion. Maybe it's their treatment who's making me misunderstood. Ending this sharing, I think there will be no more love boggles my mind for a while, before I fully engulf this solid apple of discontent into my throat. I'll cry silently, when people's not looking......

     This song suits me now...I keep on tuning to it last night...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z4SmKXh78cI

      Cry me a river...

Got Crap? I Do!!!

      The title is harsh, but it's what happened to me. Some happy times, some glummy days... It's just went on revolving. I mean, from the things I experienced today, this article is going to be a harsh one. Preparations doesn't seems enough when you wants to accomplish something perfectly. You still need a tool from the Almighty of the universe: SHEER LUCK. Well, now I believe it myself. What I'm talking about is my presentations.  When it's my turn to speak, I introduced myself. But, the awe I get from the audience reflects it all. I'm walking into a field of landmines.  God, darn it. They just seemed to paying attention to ME, not my SPEECH. I mean, is it a mistake if I'm born mix-blooded? It's my elders who have the hewey-dewey love more than 20 years ago. I mean, in this university, I had encountered countless events from mistaken identity, from shops, diners, officers, and even bus drivers.  What is it that I'm lacking? Self confidence? I'm still in search for it though. Physical appearance? God created me this way, so be it. The way that I speak? So, maybe it's my fault for losing my confidence.  Damn it.  So many negative thoughts accumulated in my noggin' that I slept early last night: 11.30 p.m.. It never happened before.  The sweetness of my ability isthat I could speak in, maybe, 7 languages. People can't insult me without my knowledge.  Chinese society treats me better and with respect, and even I myself blending in with them.  The bad point is, well... the above happenings.  Not enclosing it further, I'm going to disclose today's sharing with a big buzz. Literally. it's getting boring and more boring here that I wish exams could come closer, or something that could loosen the 83-days gap. Really..........................................................................................................................

A Dull But Explosive Valentine's Day

    On the 13th of February, I...... keep on thinking about some... Not enclosed, ha ha. Actually, this time I'm just updating on a dull but somehow exciting February 14th. That's right, it's Valentine's Day. Without knowing why, my heart keeps on tingling with thoughts of ... on this day. Desiring to give her something after seeing my roommate finally dares to open up with his favourable person, my thoughts are filled with means on how to make this possible. At the same time, I'm preoccupied with the plannings of a co-curriculum event taking on later in the evening: a karaoke contest. Although I'm planning on various ways to make it a reality, I find my inner "chicken"ess lingers to my thoughts. Finally, in the late of afternoon, I gave this thought a pass. Pass. No more eccentric thoughts, ok! I told myself. It won't become a reality. So, with a heavy and consented soul, I proceed to surviving the harsh and unforgiving Monday classes. Like my room mate said about his relationship," There's plenty more trees to be chopped. Don't simmer and shutter just for a certain tree." .Right??? Right?

    During the organization of co-curriculum event later in the evening, my team finds us facing a lot of difficulties: damaged P.A. systems which caused us to move the venue, "uncooperative" microphone, projector on hold, and etc. We only manage to carry out the event after abandoning several plannings made earlier. I'm nervous as I'm the leader of this squad, man! Although we went on wobbly throughout the event, I decided to correct the situation by giving away a spontaneous apologizing speech: something people who knows me know I couldn't accomplish. So, I went on...and on for about 5 minutes. I heard people mutter about: "Isn't he a Chinese? Why does he gave an assamualaikum in the beginning? Weird!!!". Some people however authentically listened patiently. That's when the funny part starts.

      As I'm the chairman, I'm supposed to give away the presents. During me handing presents to a duo of Chinese girls, they seems terrified to shake hands with me. So, I spoke to them to allow one of them to hold the prize as a commemoration in front of the photographer (my team mate). I spoke to them in Chinese. Then, one of them jumped a few centimetres off the ground, exclaiming: "What?" You get it. Another one who fell for my "Chinese-oriented" look. Even after that, they keep on asking me in disbelief. So, I explain to them about my mixed heritage and my origin. They listened in awe, I tell you. Many photographs were taken, which I might share in the page when I get them. Believe it? Dull but explosive Valentine's Day I'd say!!!

Shining Inheritance

      It's been a while since I update my diary.  It's been hectic like crazy these week, with classes on Monday continued from 8 a.m. until 10 p.m.. I'm started to feel jealous seeing people of other courses ( which I dare not mention ) seems so relaxed compared to us: IT students. Some of them even had the opportunity to surf all day with many spare time left. We, work to our limit. I even had the urge to faint from tiredness, it's true. Nobody understands us unless they're in our shoes. Enough said, it's really making me pissed.  The unseen could be differentiated from what you believes and what you see: it's all in the mind consideration. From what I see, a lot of unfairness are occurring in this society. 

      That's what making an entire society goes on its own parallel port of flow.  The unfairness only comes to a person's mind once they themselves experience it. Mumbling about business, financial constraint, and treatment of people towards them, while the truth is; they themselves are lazy, stingy, and stubborn.  I'm writing this based on an experience that I have just recently: probably half an hour ago. Enough said, darn it. "Every cloud has a silver lining", that's what my aunt tells me after listening to my complaints about our house's honorary "scumbag". In UPSI, there are also, ALSO a lot of scumbags loitering around, lurking to see who they could pick on. Myself fell victim to this heinous crime quite a couple of times. The cloud may did had a silver lining, as something happy happen to me last night. Not enclosing it further, I'll expose it in my own poem.

Shining Inheritance

In the end of the passageway, 

The very farthest spot where a tiny ray of white light is illuminating,

Comes a pair of hands out of nowhere,

Signalling for aide in survival,

This aide isn't just any aide,

It's an aide that rescues a person in despair,

Once again makes the grasping person in danger believes that there is still hope.

This aide,

Reaches the hands of the person waving for help,

Giving it a sensation of warmth that only comes from the most sincere heart,

The person which had encountered before.

This aide,

Comes at a moment of surprise,

At the moment when the victim feels the world is going to a down.

By reaching out of the blue,

This hand proves that indeed there is a person who is sincere and generous,

To even give a stranger an aide out of darkness.

By this aide,

The endangered soul once again felt happy to live in this polluted world,

Where the manipulators and hypocrites live and dominate.

This aide proves well that a person's soul could be lifted from submerging further into the pit of despair, 

Giving the survivor a new hope to live well,

As well to spread the warmth given earlier to the surrounding needy people.

This warmth,

Is the purest of pure from all God's being of creation, 

That will never wears out,

As long as there is a gasoline that keeps igniting it deep within a person's soul,

A gasoline known as LOVE.

I wrote it from the will deep inside of my heart and the person who I admires. Who knows I could be so poetic? Ha ha ha...

Journey Throughout This CNY Holidays

As the title suggests, it's all about my experience during the CNY 1-week holiday; which I don't get to go back. I don't have the desire to write only DESPAIRS of my life, so this one's  got a little pizzaz in it.  Starting last Friday (the day when holiday started), I have been feeling nothing but loneliness.  So, I spend my 2 days in isolation, just eating instant foods and hiding in my hostel. The coming Sunday reliefs me from sleeping with a broomstick beside my bed as one of my housemate returned.  He exclaims that he won't be going home like I did.  I thought I had a companion at last.  It seems. The few days later are filled with activities; doing all my laundry, booking flight ticket, completing my assignment, eating alone, and......  Then the trouble starts. As I exclaimed on my social profile, I suddenly felt sort of despair and heavy feeling of sadness lurking beneath my soul, giving my a heartwrenching feeling. It occurs during the CNY eve night.  I thought that my conscience had already cleared of this doubtful feeling, but it seems that I really did miss my home.  Later on, I did something that I had desired for quite a while now. I got it!!! My dream figure. All in a process of 10 minutes, which I thought wouldn't go on that smoothly.  That's the happy part of my holiday. The depress part is: my house mate keeps on disrupting me.  Borrowing stuff, bothering me during my private moment (doing assignments), borrowing stuff, dragging me to prey along with him (I prefer to do it alone, as they tend to show off with their reciting skills.  As I prey 2 times with him, he tends to burp during reciting the holy verses. I don't know whether it means thankful to God or something, but it's quite rude!!!).  Now, I just keep on avoiding him as much as possible. Staying at my friend's room (they treated me to lunch today, which I felt is the true sincerity that should be given), which is a new experience to me.  As the holiday draws to a close, I just hope that it'll not be any worse after this. As if!!! As this is my personal diary, I will like to post some images that I got during this periods: