Home Is Where The Thrill Is

A few days ago, I watch with grim and disappointment as people pack their bags and  prepare to leave for home. I didn't expect such an outcome would occur,  as I'm the only one who's not going back. It's my decision at first to make,as my house is a miserable place to be. Maybe my absence for 5 months will make them appreciate and waiting for my appearance in the future. I mean, after what I went through during last year's semester break, I wouldn't want to be in the place where people conspires to watch your downfall and hates you without any logic reason. But, after watching people hassle and dazzle to depart for home, I start to wonder if my decision is right. I may save some money for airline tickets,but there's a big price to pay: Loneliness. My previous loneliness just doesn't compared to this one. In the whole block, there's may be only 2 or 3 house left with occupants. It's really freaky at night, with all the weird feelings I'm getting. This is the first Chinese New Year celebration that's going to be without my presence at home. I mean, for me (as I'm mix-blooded), CNY may be more meaningful than Hari Raya Aidilfitri as it's more merrier and you can actually experience the atmosphere of festive season. It's a despair for me. I can really feel the emptiness. Not being nostalgic or anything. It's my choice in the first place. I personally thought that this personal experience may train me to be more independent and succumb to changes in the future. As there's things that needs to be done here, iit's might not be that lonely after all. I'm used to jinx all my life. And after all the planning that I'm doing after I received my education loan (minus foods, expenses, books, utilities, train tickets,......), I may happily declare that I'm going to order that sweet, sweet Ichigo Kurosaki Bankai Form figure that I desired so much since last year. It's a good thing for me. Finally, I have something that I will look over to get home, other than my siblings (my little brother: my best friend in the world and also wanting to get his hands on the figure as I do), Chowder (a TV show), rest, and escape from the stereotypes and hectic schedules of UPSI. Writing this actually makes me want to return home more. Boo-hoo... Might as well dream about it as it will not occur in the next 4 months time.

Habits Of Men

Today, I want to share some bits on the creation that God masterminded: Man. There are countless amount of men in the world: weird, nice, naive, tempting, sacrificing self, mutilating others, kind, mean, courageous, outrageous...... are some of the examples that could best describe them. In my 20 years of living, if, my life is spared, I had seen and encountered countless mental obstacles that many may not have experienced. It's a miracle that I managed to get back, but still a weakling. Forget about that. It's skipping away from the real attention. After my ups and downs in my route to search for the true meaning of living, I had seen miraculously puppets, manipulators, deciders, and compromisers. Not talking about myself, but rather the reality that I'm facing. A individual who's susceptible to damage mustn't be overlooked as naive and dumb, but as a threat. As the proverb "Never overlook the dangers beneath still waters" goes: I'm no difference. People may sees me as a naive and non-socializing individual, but behind everyone that's when I start to make judgment. Nasty bastards exist almost entirely in the society; people who's overconfident over themselves, viewing people other than themselves as poop, and inculcating "step-over-you" attitude in everyday living. I may be one of them, but until now, I'm still viewed as someone who's weak and hungers  over pitiness of my circulating cycle. For the people who know me: in some sort of way, please change your perception towards me. Remember, behind still waters there's a threat more potent than even the predators themselves: bacteria. Not saying I'm a threat either, but please never overview an individual just from the outing. I almost snapped from the depression of loneliness. I mean, I've tried to break awak from this constricting orb, but I can see that's to no avail. Again, for the sake of the world and afterlife, please don't discriminate anything, even it's an animal and have a courteous feeling towards your relations.

This is just great, more trouble ensues...

As the title suggests, MORE TROUBLE AWAITS. Today, I witness my own friend BETRAY ME. I have a very large inquiry to ask: What would you do if someone that you trust so much, someone that has earned your utmost beliefs turns around on you? That's a question that I would like to ask anybody with psychological expertise to elaborate to me. I'm sure that everybody's experienced this problems before, but I'm the type that moves on very hardly and emphasize on insy-bitsy detail of human behaviour. And I have the ability to decipherevery single human mimics and expressions: even if they're thinking differently and behaving differently, I'll know. I'll know. What is it about humans? Stepping on others, ditching useless participations, and behaving as if they're all high and almighty? If I have the power of GOD in this world, I'll eradicate this behaviours and gives attention to those needy. There's a friend of mine who's experiencing isolation from her group, and I'm another victim of this heinous, indigestible crime. Human crime, that is. Whoever reading this, I hope that you all won't misunderstood me as a hypersensitive individual, just a sensitive one that is mature enough to notice the behaviour of the people surrounding him. I mean, look at humanity now; taking opportunity from others, disgracing one's existence, it's just like Apocalypse is arising. It seems that with the changing of seasons, people just stop caring anymore and emphasizes more on themselves. This sucks.

Continue... (with a poem)

YOUR EYES ARE AS SHINY AS THE RISING SUN,

YOUR SMILE ENLIGHTENS EVEN THE HEARTS IN DESPAIR,

YOUR HAIR IS COMPARABLE TO THAT OF RAPUNZEL’S,

YOUR SOUL IS AS SINCERE AS A NEWBORN BABY’S HEART,

YOUR SKIN IS AS FAIR AS SNOW,

YOUR STARE WILL LIT THE AREA WITH FLAMES OF FEAR,

YOUR CHARISMA OUTSHONES THOSE HIGH-ACHIEVERS SURROUNDING YOU,

YOU’RE THE PERFECT ONE. 

Boring...

Why am I so unfortunate in everything of my life? WHY? Recently, I feel like I'm being constantly disposed by people, whoever and wherever I am. I'm starting to miss my hometown really much. Sob, sob, sob... When I'm having a class, I don't have my own gang. When I walk, I walk alone. When I have class, they cancelled it. Darn it. It really sucks when I carry all the jinx in Sibu into Perak. This sem just doesn't feel like the previous anymore. More tiredness, mute sessions, idiot-staring, and heart-wrenching while constantly being disposed of. Right now, my roommate might be the only companion that's willing to follow me around, accompanying me to eat, go to places, and so forth. Man, this life really sucks. Sucks. Sucks. Sucks.

What the damn that I've done in previous life to obtain such a karma back in this living? Maybe, I've just been overreacting or so. I feel like that I'm not fit enough to continue this struggle. Maybe because my nature, I tend to get stepped on. Everywhere I look, it's the same as always. Semester 1 seems so interesting, while, semester 2, dull. Last semester, I also had this feeling, but  later on it is demolished by the countdown that I made to return to Sibu besides purchasing an item on Ebay, and waiting in anticipation to open it when I get back. However,I felt that I evolved too quickly. If I used to be laughed at and constantly stared in the school, now I feel that this place  feels no difference. My vision of studying isn't for fun as I saw on several people in the university, but it's for converting my hellish life into a more decent one. I don't even had an ambition to become an educator. While everything seems so different here, it seems that nothing had changed. Must I wrote all my negative emotions on this blog? It will looks like I'm an introvert of some sort. But, I am. Maybe I'll convert this emotions by participating in events that requires less conversation and more of an action. Maybe I'll purchase that Bleach Play Arts Kai figure that I desired so much. This is just to get rid of the bad emotions lurking inside me. If I didn't do this, I will end up crying silently every day or having a heavy heart to even budge.

This might be the drug. THE DRUG that cures my sanity for this second semester.

Funny Stuff To Fill My Lonely Day

I'm Alone

Hey, I got 1 follower!!! At last. Just want to depict something that keeps on occurring to me since semester reopens: I'm CONSTANTLY ALONE. Walking alone, eating alone, attending class alone, just about anything. I know that's something that should be endured by every university students, but I feel that my loneliness is a rarity. I mean, maybe I'm a super quiet guy who doesn't stands out a lot among the more talkative crowd. However, if people get to know me better and not just from the outer layer only, they'll notice that I'm the kind that authorise action more than words. Perhaps, that's the main criteria that distances me from the society that truly displays what is the true essence of university life. I saw people socialize freely and could converse just about any topic. However, there seems to be a wall that's bridging my entity with the outside space: THE PEOPLE. I just hope people eventually will understand me just as I am and not categorizing me into an individual that I'm not. Besides, I distrust people that treats me well and dispose me later like a used box of tissues. That's outrageous, isn't it? Even beasts have feelings, you know.

I'm Miserable - 2

Today may be the most DULL day ever in my history of UPSI. Class finishes early, but I've got no sense of importance of whatever to do. My "Chinese" personality makes me hard to distinguish from typical Malays. I mean, maybe my Chinese traits were the main destruction of my friendship bonds. What to do? I'm a "Chinese" ma!!! Constantly bugged by various complications, I started to have my doubts in God. Why do me and my brothers have to suffer just based on the aftermaths of a lazy guy who's supposed to be the support branch of the family but instead just keeps on escaping from the realities of life? My 7 years of adolescent years are typically ruined by the constant sacrifices that I had to accomplish for some people. Become mute just so my Malay friends could tolerate with the Chinese, limited social circle, judged as "low-confidence" by others? Maybe they're right all along. I  see most of my friends are enjoying the days of their youths, while I'm prepped like pickled mangoes, waiting to rot and depending on others to be consumed. I mean, why I couldn't be like others, like having my own "hot" girlfriend or cool-rated and could own my very own social cycle? After I entered university, I saw all kinds of attitudes: nice but truly naive, ignorant but caring, wild and ignorant, wild and lucky, two-faced weasel, kind and friendly, soft and open-hearted, just to name a few. Obviously, there are some of my friends that treat me as I am and didn't treat me as a pity individual. I really need the presence of bonds that would not expire, concrete, loyal, and stands up for each other. So far, this is a rare trait found in almost nobody in this land. It's time that I start to evolve and mature to withstand every counterattacks from the uncertainty events that constantly occurring in something that I call: EVERYDAY LIFE.
Another quote that I'll like to publish is:

Genuine and sincerity is what truly motivates human races to drive forward and never be left back again.

There's a Korean drama opening that rocks my pity heart right now, which is:
The Fugitive: Plan B

I'm Miserable

It's the second day since I'm back in UPSI from a 24-day break. The atmosphere seems to change a lot: the people, the rooms, the environment, all are adjusted not according to my personal preference. My new house mate seems already illustrating their spikes as screams and loud music could constantly be heard from the living room. FYI: I'm AFRAID of new environments. Since I'm little, I had difficulties adjusting myself to new  atmospheres. The PLKN case, the first day of enrollment in UPSI, and even NOW. I thought I evolved after resisting various harsh situations last year, but that doesn't seems to fully prepare me to combat awkward situations. Now, I wish that time flies so violently that I could blink my eyes and presto, it's 13th of May 2011. At first, I wish to fill my blog with the main 8 characteristics that I face as a human being in everyday situations, but now, I guess that it'll be my tears container to be loaded with various hijinks that constantly evading my personal space.
With this, I would like to insert some quotes that may energize or inspires me to endure this 5-months of harsh battles ahead.

A guarantee that guarantees something to someone that is not guaranteed its genuine purpose is not a guarantee that will truly guarantee something.

Enjoy every single seconds of  time that is spared as there may be no more of it left to be enjoyed before you know it.

Do something with your own pattern while considering the consequences: to the surroundings and to yourself in your sole development process.