Side Story: How Did I Fell in Love with You, Dear Programming

The thing about life is, there’s bound to be something that strives us to go further.  Be it past mistakes, will to overcome the odds, or even at the simplest of improving oneself.  Being a student myself, I understood that sometimes it’s important for us to possess that certain “pizzaz” as a factor that distinguishes ourselves from others.  Now am pursuing my Masters in Information Technology, there’s a lot of experience that I endeavour to reach my current state.  Well, it’s not that awesome anyway.  Love broken, life tragedies, shun by the crowd, these are what I can say being my guidance to always remind myself to be one step ahead of others.  If others crawl, I should crawl & dodge.  If others read 3 books, I would motivate myself to read 4.  This is not the type of those competitive states, but rather a self-motivation to do my best.

What motivated me to have a deep interest in the realm of Information Technology, I think.  It must be from that incident.  A racist incident for me, that make me think twice to be successful in life.  To tell a story about it.  Well, here I go.  It must be during my 3^rd semester in degree days.  I remember the day is a Friday, 8.30 in the morning.  That day I’m having my final exam for 1 of my core IT subjects, Data Structures.  Studied like heck a few days before.  As most of other courses had already concluded their exam a few days prior, our course is among those that “suffers the misery” of watching people packing & leave for home.  Heading to the bus stop as usual, I saw almost a still population; almost nobody is in sight.  The shuttle bus to the adjacent campus is still operational however, where the sight of those bus drivers drinking coffee in nearby shops could be seen.  There’s 1 bus that I perceive would lead me to the new campus.  However, the bus remained a standstill.  Reluctant to move.  When I saw the bus driver left his crowd at the coffee shop, I assumed that he’s the particular driver.  So he is.  I left my seat in the bus shed, heading towards his direction.  I inquired his next direction, just to be sure.  To my surprise, he ignored me in front of others.  After few attempts of “acknowledging” a brick wall, I raise my voice to illustrate my discernment.  Another surprise occurred.  “You go use taxi or something.  I had already attended your friends to the new campus earlier.  You should come before now, it’s my resting time.  I’m not going that far just to send you there alone.”  What’s annoyingly, he used the Chinese-to-Malay slang to refer to me.

As the schedule shows, buses are supposed to move every 30 minutes.  And it’s their duties to attend to us students.  I can’t believe I begged for the first time in my degree days to him.  After a few minutes of consultation, he eventually agreed to leave.  Trouble over? Not quite.  This incident affected what would occur afterwards.  Along the way, I sat in front with him.  Attempts to forge a friendly conversation just to release the “heat”, all my efforts went unheeded.  He even cursed me all the way.  Calling me names, comparing his schedules with students’ timings, these among the rest.  Patience, I think.  When I reached the venue, I thanked him.  He replied me with another cursing.  “Don’t let me see you again!  You good-for-nothing little Chinese kid!”  Whoa.  I swear I never said anything.  He must have thought I’m some sort of Chinese kid to resent me, who he don’t even recognise.  I imagine to him, how much sin you would accumulate on that morning for hating your own kind.  That point had opened my eyes of how insolent & racist some people can be.  I admit, I’m a mixed race offspring.  But I had never, ever encountered any accounts such as these in my own state, where Malay population is the minority.  I personally thought that community here haven’t been exposed enough with cultures other than their own to proudly proclaiming that they’re living in a multiracial country.  I left the bus without turning back.

Our examination venue is at the 3^rd floor.  It is a place where the famous car manufacturer, Proton’s factory resides.  Our university kind of rented the whole place for academic purposes.  Due to the un-circumstantial mishap and curses that I endured, I was late for 40 minutes.  I rushed like a madmen to the exam hall.  You see, all of that venue had that glass architecture thingy.  Made it looked like Power Ranger fortress when viewed from afar.  I ran 3 floors, ignoring the very existence of elevator.  I guess I kind of screwed up.  With the classroom in front of me, I rushed after the door.  Probably there’s a person before me that swing the glass door, that I ran right into.  God knows what happen afterwards.  Direct shove into a glass door.  I fell, sat on the floor.  I see stars, my knees that came into contact with the door turn numb.  It turned blue in an instant.  For a couple of minutes I stare blank into the scenery of that auto city below.  Not before then that I realized my head is bleeding profusely.  I ignored it, covering it with a handkerchief, walking straight into the exam hall oblivious of whatever occurring.  The exam already commenced for 30 minutes.  I felt, better late than never.  “Luckily”, I was arranged to sit in the very front, face-to-face with my lecturer.  I guess she is the maternal type.  “What happened to your forehead?  Are you sick or something?  Is that…blood?”  Oooh, I’m still dumbly holding a handkerchief over my head.  “Nothing Dr, it’s just a burst our pimple.  My bad.”  And the rest is history.  I failed that very paper.  Didn’t finish it on time.  Due to the hypocrisy of certain people.  After that, I was being paranoid of my own race & everything that they commit.  Due to this, I had to repeat the same paper in my final semester.  I guess my dean might be the only lecturer that noticed, as she signed the letter of acceptance.

My relationship with the lecturer that taught the subject is what I’d say, as if mother and son.  Her name is Dr Mashitah Hashim.  As some junior proclaimed, she might be among the lecturer that is very proficient in programming for our Computing Department.  I don’t know quite well what happened, but she claimed when we have private chats that in the huge lecture hall she noticed my timid nature among the rest.  It reminded her of her own child.  I mean, how possible can it be right?  After that incident, I went to her office to inquire to retake the exam.  I told her of the whole incident.  Know what she told me?  “I noticed something amiss with your answers when I read your paper.  It’s brief and short.  Not your way of life, I think.  And you didn’t answer most of the questions.  I didn’t think you’d be lazy enough, to left out your opportunity of passing with flying colours.  When you came and told me your own stories, I know my doubt is true.”  That’s how I remember she’s quoted.  She asked me to retake the entire subject, having high expectation and gave me a speech that emphasized I should become a good programmer who doesn’t only understand the fundamentals of programming by memorizing a few notes, but rather the logic behind its implementation.  Before this, she’s the only lecturer that I dare to share about my family’s conflicts, how Chinese and Malay nature clashed in my household.  She would reply my letters in the wee hours of morning, sharing her perspective which I doubt someone who’s still in a sleepy state would be able to relay.

After that, I really vowed to succeed in the field of programming.  The reference book is what I preferred from romance novels, online tutors being my subscribed list in Youtube.  I managed to score a solid A when I took Object-Oriented Programming during the 6^th semester, something that I heard from my lecturers is a feat succeeded by only 10 people from hundreds taking that exam.  I started to have interest towards field other than C++, such as Actionscript in animation, cloud computing development, even up to the extent of Java programming.  Due to this, I took the challenge of selecting mobile application development as my Final Year Project.  I spent about 1 year researching on Java Enterprise and Eclipse.  Although my app doesn’t end like as it should be, I managed to gain an insight of field deeper than fundamental programming.  Our faculty even hold a competition of Final Year Project exhibition, where I illustrated my failed attempt at app building.  Although that attempt is proven futile, something raised my spirit afterwards.  As mentioned earlier, I had re-take the subject in our final year.  Unfortunately, some new-seeded lecturer took Dr Mashitah’s place, which I think really suck at teaching.  Mind the language.  I didn’t manage to be in her class.  Something occurred afterwards.  There’s 1 final coursework for Data Structures, where I’m partnered with a girl.  We’re mixed with foreign students from Namibia.  So you could expect how ambience the environment is.  I thought Dr Mashitah doesn’t acknowledge me anymore, since I lost contact with her for 2 years.  Right after we presented our coursework, she called me.  “I want to see your mobile application.  Let’s see why you failed to win. Maybe we can fix it.  I think you deserved it!”  How did she know I developed that?  I didn’t tell anyone, only my supervisors.  She smirked.  People who know her would understand that she doesn’t smirk easily at her students, unless she’s really close with them.  That incident really made me build my interest in programming.  Even up until now, we still have an okay relationship, meet-and-greet besides messaging each other.  Even close friends don’t do that.

People say, one’s courtesy might be meaningless to some however meaningful to one.  I believe, that’s the predicament that I’m in.  I didn’t really trust those that excel in exams, but fail to care less about one single programming development.  I mean, that’s the reality of the population right.  I think that the best compliment that you could hear from a programming lecturer is not “Congrats on getting A!”, but rather “I think you’re no doubt suitable to work in the industry with your skills.”  I’ve heard stories from my old teachers & teaching practice that how the theories emphasized in university is trash in the real world practice.  It depends on how you expand your comprehension on the matter.  No doubt, there might be people who prefer on leaving all those knowledge behind & pursue new less complicated practice.  But for people like me, we rather learn new applications & update our existing knowledge than trash those valuable basics behind. 

From this will after I graduated, I decided to pursue what I think is essential.  There’s 1 member in my household who go doctorate.  There’s no mistake for me to do that too, right.  So while I see my course mates whine about the lack of opportunity to look for jobs openly on social media, I decided to do anything related to my studies.  Fortunately, right after the night that I graduated I got messaged by my vice dean to become her research assistant in developing a web crawler for text tokenization.  I admit, I didn’t manage to reach her expectation in that 5-month project due to my lacking.  However, right after that while I’m searching for financial boost for my Masters degree, I received an offer to pursue the field of Artificial Intelligence & Natural Language Processing with another lecturer.  My study fee was waived, I got monthly salaries, got offered job as university tutor, and manage to hold on to what I want to do.  Currently I’m continuing a project of Named Entity Recognition.  So yeah, I was being thankful.  After a racist incident, my morale had reached this point.

So after blabbering so long in this article, I just want to stress out that there’s no need to be ashamed with what we choose in life.  People might get odd jobs and access to credit cards while we’re still dragging our lives to research a programming language & preparing to attend conferences, but it’s important that we do what we believed in.  They might have the privileges of boasting about their lives, where we live in seclusion from the crowd due to our duties.  What matters is what happens afterwards.  Few years ago, I was actually planning to become a civil engineer in a public institution that I rejected after.  My life would be drastically different if I choose that path.  Road that diverges to a selection to life journey, we need to choose it wisely.  Predicament, it’s what matters the most.

 

24 Signs Someone Likes You More than Just a Friend

Girl-friends.  Is it good to have virtual ones, or those that's obvious?  Pros & cons on both sides. Like the one in the pic, my idol crush. blush~ (pic taken from http://www.junhyoseong.com/)

I must say, it's really been a while since I updated.  Been research assistant & continuing master, things aren't as silver platter as during the degree days anymore.  I'm a hardcore programmer now.  Probably, will update my life soon if time permits.  Now my favor's on Tumblr.  But recently I stumbled upon a very interesting article, about the hooey-dooey emotions of love.  Remember my days when I first had my one-sided crush.  It's so related.  Just thought of sharing. :-)

#1 They tell you that they want something more.

This is the most obvious of the signs. When someone comes right out and admits their true feelings to the person who is their friend, it cannot be interpreted any other way than as as an act of affection that goes beyond normal behavior between friends. A friend who tells the other that they want their friendship to progress into a deeper relationship undoubtedly holds that person in very high esteem. When someone begins to view a friend in a more intimate light, they start to allow that person to have a greater influence on their life, and as this influence grows stronger, so does the need to communicate their wish for that person to play a greater role in their everyday life.


#2 They hint at you to make a move

Sometimes a friend is too shy to come right out and admit their true feelings for their friends. Sometimes they will wait for their friend to make the first move. Sometimes, after waiting a certain amount of time without success for their friend to make a move, they begin to grow impatient. At this point they will start to make subtle hints to their friend about the two of them together, and this is a clear sign that someone might have deep feelings for their friend.


#3 They don’t refer to you as a friend

Often times the way a person feels about someone is revealed through the way they talk about them in everyday speech. If someone is speaking about their friend, and they don’t refer to them as a friend, it usually means that in their minds that person has a higher status than just a friend. They might instead refer to that person by name only, or as a “close friend,” instead of just a friend. It is easy to spot the signs of how someone really feels about their friend by observing the manner in which they speak about them candidly.


#4 They touch you in certain places

When people who care about each other are in each other’s company, they often get an uncontrollable, nagging desire to share physical contact with one another. A friend who struggles with intense feelings for another friend will be looking for any excuse to touch them. Physical touching might not necessarily indicate stronger feelings than friendship, as such behavior (to a certain degree) is normal in many functional friendships. It is rather the frequency and intimate nature of the physical contact which reveals their deep desires. Nudging with the elbow, rubbing the shoulder or attempting to hold the hand of a friend can all be signs that someone feels strongly about that person.

#5 They make excuse to be with you alone

One of the most frustrating things about having intimate feelings for a friend is the inability to spend time with them alone, as it is usually the case that friends spend time together in groups of more than just two. Someone who views a friend on more intimate levels will do anything for some one-on-one time with them. A clear sign of someone who wants a more romantic relationship with a friend is their complete disregard of all of their mutual friends when spending time in large groups, usually monopolizing all of their time.

#6 His/her eye contact with you is unusual

Eyes are like windows into the soul. Incredible amounts of emotion can be communicated non-verbally through eye contact alone. It is therefore exceedingly easy to ascertain a person’s true feelings for someone by the way they look at them. Unusual eye contact such as staring into a person’s eyes for an uncomfortably long period of time, or shifting their eyes anxiously away and being unable to maintain eye contact, are signs that someone might view a friend in a passionate way.

#7 They ask you out

If a friend is constantly asking another friend out on dates, this is another hallmark of someone feeling more than just friendly thoughts towards a person. Sometimes it is completely normal for one friend to ask another to accompany them to a music event or a movie. How to tell if this is due to intimate feelings is whether or not the request is presented in a casual manner, and whether or not the requests happen too frequently.

#8 They ask you about your relationship past

Curiosity about a friend’s past relationships is a clear sign of a hope for romance, because it means that person is beginning to imagine what it would be like to be in a relationship with their friend. Getting information about their friend’s history of partners enables them to envision that person as a romantic partner, adding to their fantasy and pushing out the old mental image of that person as a friend. Inquiries about a friend’s relationship past is a clear sign of intimate desires, otherwise they usually wouldn’t even care enough to ask about that sort of thing.

#9 They ask about your future plans

When a person secretly wishes for a serious relationship with their friend, it is often one of their greatest worries that their friend will move on to someone else, and that they will miss their chance to be with them. That is why a person who wants to be with their friend is constantly wondering and asking about whether or not that person is thinking about pursuing a relationship with someone else. It may appear to be an innocent interest in their love life, but someone who keeps tabs on their friend’s future relationship plans is clearly interested in that person romantically, especially if they are asking when, or if they would ever like to get married or have kids.

#10 They get angry when someone else tries to make a move

Jealousy is perhaps one of the most undeniable signs of deep desire for someone. When someone feels jealousy at the sight of one of their friends with someone else, it is because that person feels that they want to be with that person instead. They feel jealousy because it is as though they have failed their own hopes and dreams of being the one that their friend is romantically involved with, and they feel like they should be in that position. Unless someone really cares deeply for a person, seeing a friend with someone else does not cause jealousy or any other passionate emotions for that matter.

#11 They get angry at the little things

Sometimes it can be very stressful for a person who secretly desires to be intimately involved with a friend. It can seem to them as if no one understands their struggle, and that their uncomfortable position of wanting to be with their friend is as unbearable as a living nightmare. It is often the case that these individuals seem to get angry at the smallest things, due to their being so wound up and troubled about their situation. Anger and frustration in the company of a friend are clear signs of passion, especially when in reaction to things concerning the relationship of the two friends.

#12 They remember important dates

If a friend is such a huge part of someone’s life that they remember all of their birthdays and other special dates, this is a definite sign that they are passionate about them. It means that they are so obsessed with their friend that they are counting down the days until they can prove to their friend how much they care. The fact that a friend takes the initiative to make someone’s important dates an important part of their own lives shows that they really care.

#13 Their body language says it

Along with eye contact, body language is one of the most common ways people communicate their emotions non-verbally. It is very easy to see whether a friend feels strongly for another by observing their body language when they are around that person. This can manifest in many ways, for example women will flick or toss their hair, or touch themselves unconsciously when they are in the presence of someone they are interested in, and men will try to take up as much space as possible in order to draw attention to themselves. All of these things are signs that a friend might be considering a deeper relationship with another.

#14 They flirt with you

A friend that is interested in another romantically can often be observed flirting with that person. Sometimes the person’s personality is less outgoing, and so they are less inclined to flirt, but in other cases people are naturally flirty. Sometimes a person will want to flirt but will not go through with it out of fears of rejection, and other times a person might playfully flirt but not in a serious manner. If someone is flirting with one of their friends and is interested in pursuing them, it is because they are testing the waters so to speak, to see whether their affectionate behavior will be returned. This is a sure sign that a friend might be interested in having a relationship with another.

#15 They talk about you a lot to their friends

When someone is on a person’s mind, everything reminds them of that special someone, and they constantly get the urge to talk about that person to their friends. Some of their friends might even get sick of constantly hearing about every little detail of that person’s life. They might even approach the person who is being talked about and say something like, “Did you know so-and-so is always going on and on about you?” A friend who cannot shut up about one of their friends is exhibiting the signs of affections which go beyond friendship alone.

#16 They improve their physical appearance around you

When people really want to make a good impression on someone, they are constantly worrying about their appearance and they are fiddling with it constantly in their presence. It is the mark of someone who truly cares what the person they are interested in thinks about them. For men, such behavior is exemplified by the smooth-ening of their shirt or the fixing of their tie. It shows they want to impress their friend. This is a clear sign of a friend who wants a more meaningful relationship from another.

#17 They hint or let you know that they are single

Letting a friend know that they are single is a clear sign that they are interested in a relationship with that person. There is no reason to reveal this information unless a relationship is desired. Sometimes it might be revealed in a casual manner, but most of the time it is because that person wants their friend to know they are available and ready for a new partner.

#18 They stalk you

Sometimes people are driven by desire to do crazy things, and sometimes this can include following the person they are interested in, with our without their knowledge. They might show up at an event they know their friend is attending, only to play it cool and say, “Oh, fancy seeing you here!” Other times they might silently stalk the person, observing them from a distance. In any case, a friend who follows another around is clearly experiencing intense feelings for that person. 

#19 They don’t block your advances

When someone is accepting of affectionate behavior from another friend, it is a clear sign that they would be interested in a more serious relationship. In a normal situation between two friends, affectionate and intimate behavior is usually met with rejection and awkwardness. This is because friends want to remain friends and are not comfortable seeing their friends in a romantic light. When a friend allows another to make advances on them, it is a definite sign that they are ready and willing for the relationship to progress into something deeper.  

#20 They make the move

When a friend starts to make moves on the other, it is a clear sign that they want more than a friendship. It is a sign of a person who has thrown all caution to the wind and no longer cares about what anyone thinks, they deeply want the person they are making moves on. This is perhaps one of the clearest signs of a friend who wants more than just a friendship, it means the person is directly initiating the process of taking the relationship to the next level.  

#21 They act masculine or girly around you

When a friend acts more feminine or masculine around another, depending on whether they are male or female, it is a sure sign of someone who wants that person to be their romantic partner. In usual situations, two friends don’t really see each other as male or female, they just see them as a person, whose personality is one that they can get along with. Guys will see female friends as “one of the bros,” and females have a similar approach. When a friend acts more feminine or masculine around another, it is a sign that they want that person to stop seeing them as a friend, and to start seeing them as a possible partner.

#22 They tell you something that is hurting them

When a friend views another in a more special way than just as a friend, they will start to rely on them immensely to cheer them up and help them with things that are troubling them. To a friend who views another in a romantic way, it can seem like the only way they can feel better is with the help of that person. That is why a sign of romantic interest between two friends is when they are constantly communicating to each other their various troubles, they are hoping they can help each other through it.

#23 They expect a lot from you

A friend who has intimate feelings for another will feel extremely let down if that person ever acts in a way which implies a lack of regard for them. They might get extremely distraught if the friend they are interested in shows up late to meet them or forgets a promise they made. It is strange for friends in normal situations to become angry or let down because of these incidents, and they usually just forgive and forget. A person will expect a lot from a friend they have feelings for, because that person means so much to them and their impact on their lives has been blown out of normal proportions.

#24 They try to make you jealous

One of the classic signs someone has romantic feelings towards a friend is if they try to make them feel jealous. What the person is trying to do is make their friend notice them first of all, and second of all to gauge their reaction to see whether or not their friend is bothered by seeing them with someone else. Although this is one of the more deceptive signs of underlying intimate thoughts towards a friend, and can often lead to emotional pain and confusion, it is one of the hallmarks of a friend who wants more than just a friendship from another.

Taken from (http://reluv.co/24-signs-someone-likes-you-more-than-just-a-friend/).  Well, it's damn related.  I remember that I had a girl-friend like that.  The first in my life.  And, the last (probably).  Except number 1 of the list, I've probably endowed everything on the list on a few particular people.  Vibe included.  Gladly to say, I moved on, dear.  Maybe somewhere, there's just the right person waiting to be fetched & cared.

New Resolution for 2-0-1-5. Side Story: My Life as a Part-Time Programmer a.k.a. Research Assistant

It’s 21^st of January 2015.  I’ve been a research assistant for 3 months, also becoming a Master degree student next month, February the 17^th.  Returning to the root of my university, serving my lecturer a.k.a. deputy dean as a part-time programmer.  I remember the night when I returned after convocation, when she messaged to inform me of the matter.  My mom shrugged with disbelief that I’ve recalled to serve my lecturer.  At the beginning, my course is noble: to assist her to complete a student’s leftover Master degree project.  After 3 months developing a management information system for her, slowly I noticed how a “pass-over” degree student could be ostracized in his own university.  Everything seems new, but it’s not.  Realize that the part-time job bounded my life when I had to come to a quiet lecturers’ office on every weekends just for the sake of researching jQuery & Javascript.  “Deadline, deadline!!!”  It made me rethink of the values of us freelance workers.  Dang, even the salary always came in 1 month late.  But it’s what ended my 2014.  A lot of story waits to be told, but I felt like synthesizing it rather than blabbering sluggishly to my own proportion.

Nice guy.  What is defined by it?  A person who compromises on others’ behalf? Sacrifice for the sake of good in others?  Willing to do things considered only made others’ and their own subconscious feeling well?  Could I be considered as a good guy in all my life, or had I just live for the sake of others?  2015 had already attended exactly 21 days ago.  It’s hard to believe what I undergo in 2-0-1-4 alone.  Graduation, emotional strains, shreds of happiness, or even lying in a somber mood.  I felt that it’s still not too late for me to relay all of the ongoing occurred in the 300000000 seconds that’s called 2014.  Actually, I’m sharing what I’ve mutually understood, what I’ve learnt as a contemporary human being.

Also in this year, I’ve reached the age of 24.  It’s my final year in university as an IT student.  The first half of the year is typically an emotional turmoil for me.  Those months that passed, became my initial training as a programmer.  Getting used to the new programming languages, things that I’ve never learn before.  Only exposed to fundamentals of programming languages such as HTML, PHP, and chunks of Javascript, I’ve “gladly” grasped the base of Java for the sake of my final year project.  It’s not because of the language that I learnt may had probably placed myself in a bit of advantageous position over others, however it’s from the nurturing of how to live my life as a university student, performing self research on topics that prior I expect I would’ve never achieved.  Should I maintain my mindset like others, comfort in a region for themselves I would’ve never understood how a programmer’s mind revolves.  All the logical reasoning, I can’t believe that I’ve practiced them in my actual life.  I used to be a person that’s hypersensitive with other’s actions.  However something made me ignore the irrationality performed by mere individuals and decipher matter in a perspective more objective & precise.  I didn’t get to be easily offended by people discriminating me as a mix blood anymore.  Yeah, I can speak 8 languages.  I never ostracize myself anymore, compared to before.  It’s like I’ve stepped into a new boundary.  People who’re close to me would’ve noticed.

People.  Aah.  I always thought that the breeds I met getting better over time.  With the growing nature of human being, we would learn to perceive an action’s rationality over its’ irregularities.  Man, I’m still wrong in that aspect.  My living environment: university community.  This early 2015 alone I witness so many discrepancies.  New students appear cockier than ever, slacker, noise maker.  The best place to witness people’s behaviour is probably on a bus stop.  Would people allow you to cramp down with them should it rains, or just allow you to be drenched with drizzles from above.   

That’s an example of human compassion, where I saw majority of them lacking.  There’s been various things that I’m fond of, be there’s that I’m against.  Best friends, you learn who they really are when they miss you even if you lose sight with them for 48 hours.  So-so friends, you encounter them in 2 weeks & they would’ve reminiscing about your absence from their daily norm.  Accomplices, you know them.  That’s it.  No bonds forged whatsoever, probably acknowledgement of particular traits that distinguishes you from their crowd.  I could probably judge what’s called friend now, after 6 years of social training.  I’ve lost bond with 2 of the girls, once being so close to my well being.  That quote is correct, “How do we become so distant with others, whilst being so close before?”  Rules apply.  Aah, I admit that I used to have ulterior motives towards them.  However, it got diminished as soon as it’s ignited.  Probably, the candle isn’t illuminating enough.  Now, I’ve totally lost contact with them.  Did I regret my decision? It’s for the sake of the masses.  Finally, I didn’t get comfortable with the individuals that I deemed precious to me.  Haha, life lessons learn, barely.  Eventually, all men would’ve learn the burden of being friend-zoned.  Trust me, it’s unpleasant.

Living as we are, sometimes we need to accept the rationalization of a particular matter.  It’s not because it flows with our norm, nor we reject its reasoning.  We could fall in love, & delve into a valley of choice.  Whether we’ll plunge into the streams of tranquility, or suffer to revise what we foolishly chosen based on our beliefs.  Either way, the road is rocky with both selections.  Friends, we could begin awkwardly from the starting point that we didn’t acknowledge each others' presence, until the extent that we could forge a relationship as close as siblings.  Nor the otherwise, where we started so intimately that we never loses tail of one another, until the extent where we never contact each other for 6 months and still feel ok without the opposite’s interaction in life.  I mean, that’s what made life interesting.  

The strings of event could unfold according to how well we accept something that occurs in the cycle of reasoning that revolves physically or mentally.  It’s almost impossible if the wheel turns upwards all the time, whilst the bottom remained intact to the ground.  The wheel wouldn’t have possibly moved.  From all the strings of account, like where the girl that I’ve crush on been pregnant with another person, tangled in a conflict of nothing with my sole “girl-friend”, there’s a lot going on inside that made me mature as a person.  I didn’t just learn to be “nice” in others’ perspective, however remained on the logical side of interpreting a matter globally.  Pros & cons included.  You rip a paper, tape it and it became square again.  You could rip the edges that’s didn’t been taped before, the paper returns to its rigid state.  But it’s never reverting back to its original state anymore.  It became tougher than before, but it’s just not the same.

 

I graduated in 2014.  Working part-time, & will try to obtain my Masters in Internet Computing in a few years time.  Possibly, try to reach a pinnacle of relationship that I’ve tried so hard to comprehend.  Don’t allow yourself to be manipulated, stimulated, or even regulated (I pun on words in my head, haha).  Maybe I’m growing too old inside.  Well, who knows.  Deep in my mind, I really pray that 2015 would become a stepping stone to achieve my dreams.  Working, still sniffing the air of Tanjung Malim, reviewing all others’ actions to endow it into my psychological chapter of human growth.  Who knows, something good might come out of it.  Be an awesome programmer, dude.  Come out of the shell.

 

Judgement could be detrimental.  Relieve any ill feelings that may treat you exponential.  Treat your own life with full confidential.  Believe anything that’s possible with full integrity.  Lastly, concur to judgments that may guide ourselves towards comprehending and perceiving a reality worth taken. – Black Contractor [2015-01-21]