There’s
a lot of incident that shrugged my sanity lately. Not only I had to be focused on my final year
project, developing Java-prone Android apps, I had to face a lot of human
politics. If it’s from the others I
don’t quite mind. But the issue seems to
be insisted on some particular person. I
wonder, if everything that I had did so far have any meaning to anyone. From plenty of my friends’ mouth, I
acknowledged that I was known as a handful of personalities. I was touted a person filled with negativism,
anti-social, public’s enemy, or just like a caterpillar-borne to be a moth, not
butterfly. Slowly, my spirit that’s at
its peak during the starting of semester is running low on “gas supply”. After been “shook” a couple of times these
few weeks, I began my crying session on reminiscing whatever I did to people
these 4 years I ‘m exposed to the outside world.
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| My project... |
I feel
like, I was too subjected to my own domain.
Probably people saw me as proud or neglecting people’s hostility. There’s a few instances where people sneered
to me like some goat forcing its teeth out to rug the grass, when I landed a
friendly grin to them. If it happens
once in a blue moon, it’s so damn funny.
But it happened almost all the time.
So, you can guess it’s no joke. I
felt that it’s my own wrongdoing. Maybe
people don’t understand how hard it is for people like me, who lives in both
Chinese & Malay nomenclature to adopt in monocular environment. I always shrug the idea away, but often it
returns to scratch my emotions. I felt
rejected, when people who recognize us play dumb even when our faces are 5
feet opposite each other. One instance
of me, greeting a few of my female course mates (that’s clans of my previous
fling, no doubt about it) face-to-face in front of library. They turn their looks elsewhere. It was indeed damn awkward from then
onwards. I never dare to greet them
again, even worse when I returned their favour with every of our
encounter. I admit, it was sort of wrong
for me to did the same.
Probably
people thought I’m nice when I spoke in a soft, inaudible tone & nodded to
all of their requests. It’s because of my
will of aiding people, when I was hurt so much without people’s help in the
past. I vow to make people’s life easy,
even if it took away my own benefits.
However, I sort of become Santa Claus.
I’m happy to aid them, programming consultation, coursework
discussion. However, the treatment after
that is the one where I’m sad about.
This semester alone, I could count that I helped at least 15 people. It’s my pride. Finally, people might acknowledge my
skills. But on some instances where we
meet, some of them played as if they didn’t know me whilst our conversation
“backstage” is so heated. I was deeply
hurt. Even if you don’t have time or emotion
to accommodate our presence, a grin is subtle isn’t it. Worse case, when people who I didn’t even
know came & asked everything as if I’m on their level of proximity. They broke through that “awkward-when-we-first-know-each-other” barrier, & barge straight
to the point. I’m glad to teach, but I
had the idea that they might not do the same if I was the one knocked on their
door.
It’s
probably because I often misunderstood how to adjust my norm in the society, or
how to mingle in the crowd. Although I
did have a lot of friends, I only had a few actual friends. Worst of all when people I once know started
to distance themselves from me. I
remember an incident, when I started to get along a Malay girl. She’s an active blogger, passive in the real
world. One day without thinking, I
started to sketch a picture of her taken from her blog that she disposed soon
after. I tagged her in my blog, praising
her beauty & such. She immediately
responded, which I thought must be her shocked exclamation of people drawing
her details. And that person is me,
who’s so passive in the Malay crowd. We
chatted for a while, before she suddenly departed from my virtual world. Her “likes” for my activities, comments on my
well-being soon faded away like smoke.
Today I found out that she removed me from her friend list, when I
wanted to greet her birthday. I wondered,
what I did wrong. There’s once that I
thought of trying to pursue her, but it became an ambition of failed, epic
proportion.
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| This is the picture that I drew. Is it THAT frightening, haha! |
People
often misunderstood my practices of expressing myself. The language, attitude, I don’t know. People never commented on my status, nor
liking my stuff. In the real world, they
seem so friendly. But once I turned my
head, I saw their actual profession of my presence. Cold.
Citing an incident that I had recently (I mentioned it in the 3 previous
entries), about a girl that I’m so close with.
A few days ago, we had an argument.
She incited my change in attitude, that I did because of her ignorance
of my texts. After 10 taunts of my
facial expressions, accompanied by a grin on her face, I nearly slammed the
table. I admit, it never happened in my
social life. She’s the first to
everything, friend-fight-friend cycle, first person I ever cared about 110%, a
person I dared to broke rules just to see her smile. The second day, we reconciled. After apologizing for everything, the
situation seems better. We get along so
close. The shock came when I viewed my
social network today. She posted a
status that directly insulted my pride. “…before we judge people’s negative
treatment to people, maybe it’s our own fault at first. Judge yourself in the mirror, don’t think
you’re the good person in this world….”
I exclaimed with anger at that moment, my heartbeat jumped
vigorously. What made she suddenly said
that? Question is, for whom is the sentence dedicated to? If it’s due to what
she think after our confessions… Well, she did it again. Hiding her true opinions, while agreeing to
every word we say at the front. I mean,
that’s the last point I believed in what she said. I’m sort of deeply disappointed. I mean, who can we trust in this world?
I mean,
no matter how we think of ourselves, we must take into account others' opinion
regarding us. There’s something that
people saw in us, that we expect we exist without flaws. Like the case with my good friend, she did
everything to defend herself even though she professed her loyalty to us. Maybe there’s some fault that we did that
people see, which we thought all of our lives is precise without mistakes. Like my cases with my course mates, I could
assume that they’re living so far off better than me who’s struggling in
everything I did. It’s like I choose
this way, the road where people refused to walk on. The disappointment in my good girl friend
came even more when I heard about her from the people’s closest to her. Well, you can’t trust 100% of what they might
say, but every one of their opinions seems slanting towards the similar
path. How my girl friend changed in
entirety in a mere few months, after I witnessed her last tears in the crowd. There’s always a concrete reasoning behind
people’s change that they might didn’t want to express to people, but it’s
hurting people who love them like we do.
We care so much for people, but in return did they share the same
feelings for us?
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| True right. |
It’s
best if we didn’t try to put ourselves too much in people’s shoes, yet at the
same time try to take into consideration what people might think of us. Like my case, where I always got praised for
my attentive attitude towards study.
Java expert, awesome historian, are some of those words given. Outside world, I’m given a cold shoulder
behind my back by people of my own course but not the other course. Probably I tried so hard to cover up my
painful childhood histories, that it seems offending some whilst accepted by
few. Probably, I should follow my life
goal & abandon all these worldly feelings about my brethren. Chase entirely my goal. Then return & pick up all those strands
of bittersweet memories that people gave me.
Beautiful & kind girls could become ugly & unattractive once
they uncover their dark side. Nice people
who often misunderstood as pushover could evolve into monotonous robots once
they’ve been pushed beyond their mental boundary. Negative mindset people could convert into
counseling messiahs once they’ve moved past their negative perceptions. We just need to make way for people to
express themselves comfortable, not opposite their comfort zone.
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