Final Conclusion: People. How Do We Behave, How They Often Mislead, How Do We React

There’s a lot of incident that shrugged my sanity lately.  Not only I had to be focused on my final year project, developing Java-prone Android apps, I had to face a lot of human politics.  If it’s from the others I don’t quite mind.  But the issue seems to be insisted on some particular person.  I wonder, if everything that I had did so far have any meaning to anyone.  From plenty of my friends’ mouth, I acknowledged that I was known as a handful of personalities.  I was touted a person filled with negativism, anti-social, public’s enemy, or just like a caterpillar-borne to be a moth, not butterfly.  Slowly, my spirit that’s at its peak during the starting of semester is running low on “gas supply”.  After been “shook” a couple of times these few weeks, I began my crying session on reminiscing whatever I did to people these 4 years I ‘m exposed to the outside world.

My project...

I feel like, I was too subjected to my own domain.  Probably people saw me as proud or neglecting people’s hostility.  There’s a few instances where people sneered to me like some goat forcing its teeth out to rug the grass, when I landed a friendly grin to them.  If it happens once in a blue moon, it’s so damn funny.  But it happened almost all the time.  So, you can guess it’s no joke.  I felt that it’s my own wrongdoing.  Maybe people don’t understand how hard it is for people like me, who lives in both Chinese & Malay nomenclature to adopt in monocular environment.  I always shrug the idea away, but often it returns to scratch my emotions.  I felt rejected, when people who recognize us play dumb even when our faces are 5 feet opposite each other.  One instance of me, greeting a few of my female course mates (that’s clans of my previous fling, no doubt about it) face-to-face in front of library.  They turn their looks elsewhere.  It was indeed damn awkward from then onwards.  I never dare to greet them again, even worse when I returned their favour with every of our encounter.  I admit, it was sort of wrong for me to did the same.

Probably people thought I’m nice when I spoke in a soft, inaudible tone & nodded to all of their requests.  It’s because of my will of aiding people, when I was hurt so much without people’s help in the past.  I vow to make people’s life easy, even if it took away my own benefits.  However, I sort of become Santa Claus.  I’m happy to aid them, programming consultation, coursework discussion.  However, the treatment after that is the one where I’m sad about.  This semester alone, I could count that I helped at least 15 people.  It’s my pride.  Finally, people might acknowledge my skills.  But on some instances where we meet, some of them played as if they didn’t know me whilst our conversation “backstage” is so heated.  I was deeply hurt.  Even if you don’t have time or emotion to accommodate our presence, a grin is subtle isn’t it.  Worse case, when people who I didn’t even know came & asked everything as if I’m on their level of proximity.  They broke through that “awkward-when-we-first-know-each-other” barrier, & barge straight to the point.  I’m glad to teach, but I had the idea that they might not do the same if I was the one knocked on their door.

It’s probably because I often misunderstood how to adjust my norm in the society, or how to mingle in the crowd.  Although I did have a lot of friends, I only had a few actual friends.  Worst of all when people I once know started to distance themselves from me.  I remember an incident, when I started to get along a Malay girl.  She’s an active blogger, passive in the real world.  One day without thinking, I started to sketch a picture of her taken from her blog that she disposed soon after.  I tagged her in my blog, praising her beauty & such.  She immediately responded, which I thought must be her shocked exclamation of people drawing her details.  And that person is me, who’s so passive in the Malay crowd.  We chatted for a while, before she suddenly departed from my virtual world.  Her “likes” for my activities, comments on my well-being soon faded away like smoke.  Today I found out that she removed me from her friend list, when I wanted to greet her birthday.  I wondered, what I did wrong.  There’s once that I thought of trying to pursue her, but it became an ambition of failed, epic proportion.

This is the picture that I drew.  Is it THAT frightening, haha!

People often misunderstood my practices of expressing myself.  The language, attitude, I don’t know.  People never commented on my status, nor liking my stuff.  In the real world, they seem so friendly.  But once I turned my head, I saw their actual profession of my presence.  Cold.  Citing an incident that I had recently (I mentioned it in the 3 previous entries), about a girl that I’m so close with.  A few days ago, we had an argument.  She incited my change in attitude, that I did because of her ignorance of my texts.  After 10 taunts of my facial expressions, accompanied by a grin on her face, I nearly slammed the table.  I admit, it never happened in my social life.  She’s the first to everything, friend-fight-friend cycle, first person I ever cared about 110%, a person I dared to broke rules just to see her smile.  The second day, we reconciled.  After apologizing for everything, the situation seems better.  We get along so close.  The shock came when I viewed my social network today.  She posted a status that directly insulted my pride.  “…before we judge people’s negative treatment to people, maybe it’s our own fault at first.  Judge yourself in the mirror, don’t think you’re the good person in this world….”  I exclaimed with anger at that moment, my heartbeat jumped vigorously.  What made she suddenly said that? Question is, for whom is the sentence dedicated to? If it’s due to what she think after our confessions… Well, she did it again.  Hiding her true opinions, while agreeing to every word we say at the front.  I mean, that’s the last point I believed in what she said.  I’m sort of deeply disappointed.  I mean, who can we trust in this world?

I mean, no matter how we think of ourselves, we must take into account others' opinion regarding us.  There’s something that people saw in us, that we expect we exist without flaws.  Like the case with my good friend, she did everything to defend herself even though she professed her loyalty to us.  Maybe there’s some fault that we did that people see, which we thought all of our lives is precise without mistakes.  Like my cases with my course mates, I could assume that they’re living so far off better than me who’s struggling in everything I did.  It’s like I choose this way, the road where people refused to walk on.  The disappointment in my good girl friend came even more when I heard about her from the people’s closest to her.  Well, you can’t trust 100% of what they might say, but every one of their opinions seems slanting towards the similar path.  How my girl friend changed in entirety in a mere few months, after I witnessed her last tears in the crowd.  There’s always a concrete reasoning behind people’s change that they might didn’t want to express to people, but it’s hurting people who love them like we do.  We care so much for people, but in return did they share the same feelings for us?

True right.

It’s best if we didn’t try to put ourselves too much in people’s shoes, yet at the same time try to take into consideration what people might think of us.  Like my case, where I always got praised for my attentive attitude towards study.  Java expert, awesome historian, are some of those words given.  Outside world, I’m given a cold shoulder behind my back by people of my own course but not the other course.   Probably I tried so hard to cover up my painful childhood histories, that it seems offending some whilst accepted by few.   Probably, I should follow my life goal & abandon all these worldly feelings about my brethren.  Chase entirely my goal.  Then return & pick up all those strands of bittersweet memories that people gave me.  Beautiful & kind girls could become ugly & unattractive once they uncover their dark side.  Nice people who often misunderstood as pushover could evolve into monotonous robots once they’ve been pushed beyond their mental boundary.  Negative mindset people could convert into counseling messiahs once they’ve moved past their negative perceptions.  We just need to make way for people to express themselves comfortable, not opposite their comfort zone.

    

My Honest Hit-List of Likes & Dislikes. People, Pay Attention.

      On a dark & stormy night (so ironic, haha...) of April 1st, 3.01 a.m. to be exact, these fingers started to draft in the contents lingered in my mind all these times.  My personal likes & dislikes listing.  Sorting out all the favourable past actions & what would come in the present.  It's not comparable to Edward Snowden's NSA hit-list however... But, it felt like I had finally underline & justify what I prefer in my 24 years of living in this ether reality.  So here it is, my preference & dislikes, told justly & uncensored.

3.01 a.m.  Tuesday, April 1st 2014.  My final mid-semester holiday for my degree of Information Technology years  By the time i reach convocation, i would realize my goal in life.  what i studied for.  what i'm living at.  how good am i as compared to others.

1. i'm unique.
2. i'm a half-blood race mixture.
3. i love chinese culture. 
4. i love korean artists.
5. i hate people who popularize themselves badly, but in fact living a pitiful life.
6. i'm able to differentiate what islam preaches, & the dependence on societal nature.
7. i hate hypocrites.
8. i dislike two-faced individuals.
9. i shun people who trust someone who talk ill about someone easily.
10. i could speak fluently in 8 languages. 
11. i know who my actual friends are. 
12. i understand what i'm doing. 
13. i oversee every actions that i'm going to take maturely.
14. i could perform according to my own limitations. 
15. i could behave indifferently depending on the subject. 
16. i could work in my own unit. 
17. i mix with chinese & indians. 
18. i love programming.
19. i don't like stimpletons. 
20. i like to talk complicated. 
21. i hate people who didn't use their brains to the fullest. 
22. i discriminate people who're too relying on others.
23. i use english to monologue & logicize, not only depending on malay as a source of information relay.
24. i don't like people who didn't take time to understand what we want.
25. i despise individuals who reject my love easily without trying to know who i am.
26. i like silent environment.
27. i hate people who asks help at our back & keeps silent like it never happened later on.
28. i ignore those who interpret our state only based on the incidents that they saw visible.

...which I deem cool.  It clarify all thoughts in my mind.  Kudos.

Trust...How to Lost it, & How to Repair Bonds

Trust.  What is defined by it?  Most people had their own preference towards the single letter.  As per defined by Merriam-Webster Dictionary, trust is a sense of belief that someone or something is reliable, good, honest, effective, etc.  More than that, it’s an assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something.  Myself included, had undergone through a lot in the “trust” department.  As matters pertaining belief towards mutual relationships emerge these late 4 months, I slowly disdain the true definition of trust.  

Trust is something that’s constructed upon sense of belief about something, you felt like you want to rely on the people you believe could do you good in life.  Trust isn’t just bred based on comfortable occasions however, as certain negative environments could nurture trust as well.  When you constructed a sense of belief within yourself, it would build a nature of allure zest into your inner soul.  Perception, views, ideologies, psychologies, later would all built up based on the foundation of trust you believe in.  In this visual universe, trust may solely exist based on human qualities.  I trust you, you believe everything I said, so it seems.  If the sense of trust could be instilled vie its purest nature, I personally believe this world would be a more liveable, vivid community.

When it's disappointing, you would've wish you don't belong here is it?

One of the most catching issues of trust I had recently, is on a personal companion of mine, or I would like to say, personal attachment.  I’ve known her since I entered university.  A lot of changes I had seen in her, be it fashion sense, hostility towards her opposites, or simply her aura of empowering people surrounding her.  That’s the point that I found interesting of her, you see people grow mature like a caterpillar undergo metamorphosis.  I can’t say, how much I had relied on her from the emotion department.  She’s my consoling guru when it comes to breakups, family problems, or assignment depression.  Yup, our relationship grew as time passes.  This is the part where our topic begins.  One incident during our mere 8-weeks internship sort of shattered my trust to her.  Maybe it was sort of misunderstanding or sort, some “electric sparks” kindled between us the 2 months before.  She cried pitifully on 1 of our phone call.  That made me assume that I need to have a social obligation towards her.  As she proclaimed herself “lonely” without friends, I doubted that statement.  Her social media was always lashing with likes from her brethren or pals.  I thought, how could this situation compared to me, who walk around alone, accompanied by my shadow in accomplishing my daily tasks?  It’s the actual A-L-O-N-E for you.

Fly according to your own wings, not by using propellers. :)

Probably, I trusted everything she said, be it her gentle demure or complexity in conversations.  Suddenly during those early 4 weeks we’re having internship, her attitude changed drastically.  Ignoring my presence among the “tiny” crowds which is or intern group, talking obliviously as if I’m invisible, some of the “daggers” that she stabbed into my already torn-up heart.  It all began from her vision that begin to distort from the equilatorial plane.  In order to save the friendship, I had to ask for forgiveness for something that I didn’t commit.  Although it worked big time, the trust I had for her was never the same as before.  I became hypersensitive relating to all of her treatment towards me, which I perceive camouflage her actual feeling of not harming my emotions in the process.  The not-so-comfortable situation, I always find her statement relayed to me is varied from what she told her companions.  The smiles, “hahaha” in messages, my eyes pinpointed towards these details every now & then.  There’s probably hidden factors that guided her judgment to do those stuff, but people shouldn’t try hard to portray something they’re not.  Should I decide to continue to trust her & be oblivious, or pretend ignorant & be a jerk?  This is just one of my personal accounts, which continued to linger behind my door every day.  You could see, how trust could be developed in a phased division & diminish in a nick of time.  For example, some of the behaviours that people commit when they had that sense of distrust; “Hrm???” with every conversation statements, fear of using our laptop for key loggers, these are true indeed. 

As Li Shengshun said in Darker than Black episode 23, "When you're lost, you should just act on your own instinct."  My life philosophy...

If people are stuck in my shoes, what should they do?  Act neutral is my answer.  You though the person is so sincere, nice, Godsend.  Then these reality befalls you, the sensation is like you’ve been slapped in the head from the rear.  It’s only in the verge where I wanted to pour my sincere feelings toward people.  Back to the definition of T-R-U-S-T.  Trust is something that couldn’t be betrayed.  It’s something that’s so hard to receive, back-to-back from all the efforts we forge to form a solid bonding among ourselves.  Trust me when I say, when it’s gone it’s lost.  Don’t expect we could regain the exact similar mould of trust back.  When we try to repair what’s lost, it could only amend in more lost of feelings, no damage control ascertained for that. 

Smile, don't have to say anything.  Even if you need to force it. :)

So for now, I’m trying to be a sideliner to everything.  Viewing my life with a neutral perception.  Even if people couldn’t put it that way, it’s probably the best way to avoid ourselves getting hurt again.  Trust could exist in a lot of ways, be it constructed from the hours you had with people, the mutual agreement among opposites, & even when you decided to lay of your life on a person’s credibility.  Gladly to claim, that I’m feeling comfortable to protect myself this way.  I’m not talking negatively, but these are among the concrete incidents that I could use to portray the term “Trust” precisely.  Look after our feelings vie a more delicate way, & don’t construct trust and belief easily just because the condition permits us to.  Think absolutely before making a life judgment.  That's why I've chosen to live as a passive individual.  Being a pacifist is awesome, because it enables your to see what's behind the scenes.  Not the actions itself.

In the end, lie back & review all of your actions. 

P/S: It’s not something that people did to each other that made the sense of trust disappear just like that.  Sometimes when a feeling is held back so much, it’s absolute that it’ll diverged opposite its actual path.  Like a tennis ball, it won’t head in a curve direction even if it’s hurled oppose the parallel direction.  We can’t nurture & hold back what we want to profess actually just so that everything goes according to the “RIGHT” way.  Give in the proper nature, even if the reality may sting.  Maybe the ointment would do better, if the mosquito bites in the early stage. Metaphor, hihihi…