"Though no one can go back and make a brand-new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand-new ending."-Carl Bard
Doubtful. Resentment. Sorrow. Discrimination. Epic exhaustion. That’s how I would like to describe this near 5-month period. After officially concluding my exam today, there’s still a lot much going on within my subconscious. I studied like a madmen since the previous 8 days, but nothing’s going in my memory well. I guess, there’s so much occurrences that somehow, my mind finally finds an excuse to even neglect the critical importance such as examination hours. I admit, my focus had really gone haywire this period. Even with the epic fatigue I had now both in my mind and physical state, I force myself to conclude this semester with a piece of my mind.
This
semester alone, I had tons of conflicts with heck few of people. Some of it were aforementioned above, while 1
of them lives within my own hostel. THAT
GAY. I’m not calling him that name to
insult him, but it’s the actual fact. We
had already acknowledged it since the 3rd semester, but his issue
deteriorates. If it was not good enough
he monopolized & manipulated my own timidness, he did stuff beyond your
comprehension. He always go out on weekends
just to satisfy his “sensual hunger”.
Then at home, I’m forced to plug my ears with bombastic tunes just to
not listening to him talking to his male partner, the hewey-dewey kind of
conversation. He got partners from all
races, what a 1 Malaysia concept.
Indians, Malays, Chinese, Melanau.
You name it. I admit, he is even
more well-literate in Malay than I am.
Me & my roommate had been in a fractured relationship with him as
days passed. I broke the record, where I
didn’t talk to him for nearly 2 semesters.
We did work, he watch movies. We
sleep, he increased his volume be it conversate or playing his media loud. A personal ripoff. The most tension time is during 3 weeks ago,
when I return home & saw an anonymous male sitting in my room. I even shook hands with him, before my slow
mind catched up & realizing that it’s HIS GAY PARTNER. This habit happens the 2nd time
last week, where that male resides in our room for more than 3 days. Not going out, pray (he’s a Malay, geez),
& just…sitting there. Maybe my eye
was showing illusions, but last week’s morning I see something disgusting. They DID it.
It was 7++ a.m., right at the time when they assume we’re wide
asleep. God’s fate probably, that I turned
my head and saw them did it. Since then
I had to hide in library 8 hours a day, then sleep at my pal’s home just to
escape them The moment they leave
permanently, I never felt so relieved in this hypertension semester. It’s a mistake for me to believe people from
my own village. My advice: never find
people whom you believe, but find people
who believes in you. Hope I’ll never see
that person again in the last semester…
I’ll
just elaborate on my relationship one last time. What happened between me and her, I’m still
quite blurred in convulsion. With the
assumption that the period of 1 month that I didn’t keep in touch with her
during the holidays would clear our misunderstanding, I myself thought it would
be a comfortable semester to go through.
As I perceive, things are not as it seems. We had a slight argument in the earlier period
after she sent me a letter, explaining her motives to reject my
preposition. Well, it took some time for
her to do it. I did mine during the last
day in the previous semester. From that
letter, I learned about her reasoning to not accepting me that rapidly. I admit, majority of it was indeed my own
wrongdoing. As it’s my first time
falling in love, I assume that if we keep on showing that we care for someone
in certain period of time, they’ll eventually do the same back. And so I await for that time to come with a
lot of troubles going on in my mind.
However, some tinge sensation told me that she’s not the person I should
divulge my heart to. But, I ignored my
own intuition and keep hope. The sweetest
moment is during her birthday, on a normal Friday afternoon. I had already prepared her gift 1 week
earlier.
Little
that she’ll know that it’s actually my farewell present for her, as I vowed to
return to reality after that. I brought
it in a paper fold over bag, then place it right in front of the lecture hall
where I assume she’ll took a seat.
There’s already a few of my elder course mates who’s on the venue
earlier grinned with shyness, as they saw my actions. Then, she did sat over. Hurm, my plan did work that sleepy
afternoon. Right after that when the
class concludes, tens of faces smiled as they walked past me who’s discussing
with our lecturer that time. Then, she
walked, cramping whilst blushing with a tiny grin, saying “makseh Farid…”. I almost
ran over to the door and opened it for her, but she’s independent. Yeah, that’s what made my heart quiver to
her. Right after that, she showered me
with tons of messages thanking me for being first in everything, from greeting
until giving her the first birthday present.
My heart felt like, “Yeah, I did
what I need to do.” After this sweet
moment, everything turned nightmare. The
rest as they say, it’s a history.
I
decided to end this turmoil right after she insulted me on Facebook. All the times that she commented on me
without knowing me deep inside, it’s as if she wanted to maintain our
friendship right at the awkward level.
If it’s in that extent I can take it normally. But then when she’s started linking sensitive
issues that if outsiders preview in 1st time they’ll be sure to
pretext it as an unjust treatment towards her.
From then on, I know that our issues must have spread more rapidly than I
thought. After my activity with her
subsided, the critical moment occurs.
Whenever I go, people started to gave me that “unjust”, stern kind of
composure. From my opinion, people might
thought that whenever I keep on updating about my heart’s longing of Nasirah to
return, people perceive that I left her & her handicapped state in the
dust. They might on the line that I
betrayed her during her most dire time of needing support. This matter did took its toll on my social
circles. I was literally alone. My activities online, passive. Here on, I had only a few to rely to, which
are my closest friends. Sometimes I even
receive reports from my friend who acknowledged our matter, about how she
posted status that insults me indirectly.
A few
days ago, one of my pal showed me the note that she wrote. I mean, it’s time this nonsense issues
conclude. Really. Tired.
If she reject me, it’s fine. Then
how come all these nonsense conflicts keep on emerging like wild fire, never
seems to reach the point to be diminished? My friends keep on giving me the same opinion: if she really did dispose my affection, how come the things that she said is as seems to be like we did get involved in something?
After been alone, crying at night, sitting in the middle of the enormous
university football field at night, I had eventually reached a conclusion of my
own. It was indeed my own fault. Maybe I’m too sudden in expressing my
feelings. The most difficult part is,
towards the wrong person. Due to the
fact that I believe should we express our feeling by giving the person we like
presents, care for them in their times of need, be there whenever they require
support, I presume that the feeling I had for her is LOVE. It might be just as well a simple compulsion
of the shred of timid kindness I had in store to care for her. And I was indeed committing the biggest
mistake. This time, God had punished me
in various ways that I see that the only way of returning to my sense is to
pray vigorously for His help. And I did. I just hope that all the misunderstood
perceptions, pointless accusations such as I left her after she rejected me and
it was one-sided love would fade away.
In the 8th semester, I’ll seclude myself permanently.
Ever
since the beginning of semester, I already perceive that dark clouds would
gather above my chin. So many ominous happening,
in such little time just flashed and gone.
Starting at the second week, I’ve already lost my best friend Nur
Nasirah. I’m retelling her stories this
time, full and unbiased. All the bad
things that occur to her, it might be started ever since the previous
semester. She had been absent quite
frequently, if I’m the only one who noticed.
As our friendship deepens, so does my care towards her. I’m a very timid & gentle person at
heart. During the moment when she
started to complain about her “disease”, I didn’t assume that it would be until
that extent. Fevers come and gone,
fatigue and tiredness are a busy person’s norm to taste I believe. But as this semester enters its toll, she’s
starting to illustrate the most critical side of her state. Remember the time when she messaged me and
told me that she rather lose a limb or be involved in a mishap rather than
enduring what she is facing now. At that
time due to my naïve nature, it took quite some time for me to get what she
means. However after experiencing it
myself since I’m little, I become fond of her complications. I decided that I’m going to care for this
person, even if it would take the life out of me. If she needs medical assistance, I’ll
accompany her. If she needs a shoulder to
lean and cry on, I’m willing to be there without any outer motives. However as her condition deteriorates, so
does my feeling. I suffer as I see her
in pain every day. And I blamed myself
a bit for been so incompetent and oblivious.
Remember
the time when we had a walk after class.
It was a visitation to the pet shop in the vicinity of my home. Near there lies some grocery shops, where Ira
made a pit stop to purchase her personal stuff.
As usual, I accompanied her.
During the moment when I aided her in selecting groceries, she pressed
her tummy and said, “Rid, perut ira sakit
la. Rid ada ubat tak?”. She further explained that it may be her
gastric that returned. I was dead
nervous at that time, as sweat pore started to form on her wide, white, pretty
complexion. Walking to the counter to
purchase some medicine for her, she rejected my help. After some brief consultation, I bought her a
huge yogurt bottle and told her to drink it every now & then before she
sleep. She nodded diligently. I wonder, if she did had housemates that
would attend to her usual need then how come they didn’t notice that she’s not
taking her dinner? Question mark. And I was never fond of that group ever
since. She’s willing to tell me
everything, even her deep & darkest secrets.
I
remember the time during last semester, when she disappeared again from
class. I almost had the idea that she’s
playing truant. However after strolling the
KTM station to accompany her to buy ticket, a drop of tear formed on my
eyelids. She told me it was to handle
her “personal issue”, the matter that caused her to be ostracized by her
village men. I was so shocked and
touched by how she could act normal, after broken relationship like that. She still smiles genuinely to my face. I swore, I turned my head and wipe away my
tears right that moment. That’s what
makes her amazing, compared to other people who would just whine on just about
every single detail that’s not worth to boast for. People would complain about tiny assignments,
posting stupid pictures of even tiny details like food, voicing out
dissatisfaction about unfair treatment to them.
Well, look at Nasirah. A tough
coot by nature. She’s that
determined. I care for her as a friend,
and as a brethren. Even though she’s
older by a month, I still consider her to be my little sister like I never
have. However after moments of times
passes, I noticed that this care might have evolved a bit. She told me repeatedly that our relationship is
just to the extent of best friend, and she doesn’t want me to fall for her. Maybe it wasn’t after all. I cried non-stop during my bike ride after
attending my robotic competition meeting where they mentioned her name
repeatedly, and it was not just the fall of tears this time. I was wailing on the road, watched by PJJ’s
& the family that asked my help to take pictures for them. My emotion was unstable for this period, too
much disappointment. If only we are
together this semester. I mean, we had
all the same classes. From this matter
alone, I saw her as an innocent soul that’s been discriminated & distrusted
but still remains firm on her stand. She’s
a tougher egg than 2 of me put together.
Should she return soon, I would give her all my care. Even if she needs a life companion to
accompany through her hard times, I’m ready to be the man. Truly, respect her.
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| Only, God knows how much I missed her this semester. :-( |
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| mmm... :-( |
So
far, nothing pleasing ever happens in my life.
Not that I’m been too emotional or anything, but the stuff that I saw as
bad luck in the previous time is nothing compared to this semester. The only people who’s been at my side during
my moments of failure is 3 people: Tee
Kuan Shan, Ernie Jain, & Syamsul Bahari.
This time I’ll just talk about them a bit, what made them lands the
position of “specialty” within my heart.
My bro Shan, we had only known each other since the 3rd
semester back during our courseware project with the woman I once loved. Our relationship is not that close by then,
as we try to get to know ourselves better.
Like how he tested my Chinese ability, before we could blend in
well. Our friendship gets improved
rapidly this semester, when I’m constantly in contact with him. We did group projects, eat, sharing problems,
sleep in his house, visiting together.
The thing that I didn’t believe is about how he still accepts me even
after I reveal my family issues. I
always go to his home, sharing dissatisfaction about my crush & things
that bother me much. He’ll give me his
brightest opinion, aided by his roommate.
I see how he look after a homeless puppy, how did he sacrifice his own
financial just to comfort that little critter.
I mean, even our love story shares the same twist. Remember a Sunday night when we sat in the
middle of a dark field, chatting about our love issues. In my university, he might be among those
that acknowledged almost everything about my secret. He’s that kind of sporting guy. Many people misunderstood him as a coarse
& do-it-as-long-as-it-is-finished
kind of person, but he’s more gentle believe me. He’s my closest companion this time around.
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| I took this pic a long time ago, but I never showed it to the public. Some things are better kept at bay, I think. :-D |
Ernie
Love-nder Jain. Among the girls that I always hang out with,
she’s the most comfortable I’m with. You
could never believe how tender & sincere this person’s is at heart. She always console me, been there when I need
advice. She also gives opinion
unbiased. I know that she had a lot of
family complications in the past, just like I am in a mixed-race home. But just like Nasirah, she never fails to
smile even if she’s having the most troubled time to endure. A few weeks ago back during our robotic
tournament, she came by my exhibition booth, then just sat there and suddenly
crying like crazy. There’s a few
onlookers by then, but I’m glad they’re the understanding type & pretend
ignorant. After listening to her
problems, I advised her to cry even more.
Her family & relatives was targeted in hit-and-run incidents, 2
times in a mere 2 months’ time. She
longed to return. By the way that she
cried in front of me & acting strong in front of others, deep down I know
that she had cemented a seal of trust in herself about us as her best pal. Whenever I saw her trying to be thrifty in
her expenses, I always try to be supportive indirectly even if I short of cash
department at the moment. In all the
times when I started to know her during the 2nd semester, our
bonding had gone as close to that of a big sister & a little brother even
though I’m her senior. She’s diligent,
intelligent, & filled with human vitality.
What’s saint about it is that she contributes her happiness to aid those
in need. Deep down I just wish someday I
would ever discover a life companion as her.
 |
| That's her all right... |
Syamsul Bahari. He’s
more of a foreign, but close at heart brother figure to me. When we start to know each other during the 2nd
semester, our relationship is kind of awkward due to my Chinese nature. Somehow, we forged our bonding every semester
whenever we took the same minor course.
I’ll be the leader, but he’ll be an advisor that’s guiding from a
distance. We get closer as I start to
share my family problems. He usually
will calm his tone, then gentled down my restless feeling with some comparisons
of his own life story. Last semester when
we took the same flight, we shared a lot during our journey to the
airport. Since then, he started to act
like a brother figure even though sometimes he seems hard in treatment. He’s among the few that acknowledged my
darkest secrets, and been the wise advisor for me to decide on my own proper
future. Among the people within his
house compound, he’ll be the one who sprints to the porch whenever he sees me
pushing bike into the squishy grassy pavement of his home. 2 weeks ago when I lost my “baby” during
vital time, my laptop, he’s the one who volunteered to borrow it for me, as
well as my bro Shan who lend it to me 3 nights in a row. He’s the individual who offers to book flight
ticket for me, even if he puts his cash first in the row. Truly, I’m thankful to these souls.
 |
| He's on my left... :-) |
From
the academic perspective, there’s not much improvement except gaining some
competency skills of my own, such as via software development & proposal
implementation. A lot of people praised
my over-complicated proposal, where I also been the teacher to a lot of lost
souls. This is the trait when people
praised me for my competency, but in the social side where I was shunned
greatly. I was focused on my final year
project this semester, where my primary target is to develop an Android project
that could propel me automatically to my Master qualification. As all 3 of my supervisor complimented, I had
THAT CAPABILITY. Well, my social skill
is a rocky mountain as compared to this.
One of the major projects where I placed the most effort on is my
robotic project, where initially I was going to carry out with dear
Nasirah. I studied the coding, visit the
lab every day, even play truant in 1 of my History classed (my 1st
time EVER in this university) just so that I could develop a robot that would
make Ira proud should she returns.
However as I always say, things don’t go as smooth as they seems. Our robot merely “quivers” in the competing
ring that I had to rely on other group’s pity to qualify for the bonus
score. Good thing is, those that aided
me are the ones who’re close with dear Ira, who acknowledged my difficulties in
giving my best for her. In other issues,
things remain the same. Low course marks
even though you work sleepless nights, visiting libraries 5 times in a week,
concentrating so much on work that I lost my own rest time. But I
think it’ll be a sacrifice that’s worth it, some day.
Ending
my long sharing to conclude my horrible semester, I just hope that in the
future I would finally become a person that people treat as equal, not with
utmost bias. People shouldn’t trust
1-sided love story, where people who remain quiet becomes the victim. I even composed a poem for it (Love…Succeed or Fail!!! (Based on My Recent Experience) ). With semester 6 bidding farewell, I just want
to apologize sincerely to those that I offend, be it directly or
indirectly. I was still naïve &
stupid as a human being. Allow me to
live as myself, don’t judge me before you’re in my shoes, & be considerate
in treating our own companions. Don’t
overlook others with bias, as karma may return back to haunt you. And finally, I pray that my final years in
this tertiary institution would conclude its curtain as a normal one. I’m a timid soul who’s still searching for
the integrity road to rely on. And may
God give my best pal, Nur Nasirah a happy & indiscriminate life that she
should get. The End.
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| They're there when I need them. That's what makes them special. |
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