Semester 6... A Conclusion in Reclusion

"Though no one can go back and make a brand-new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand-new ending."-Carl Bard

Doubtful.  Resentment.  Sorrow.  Discrimination.  Epic exhaustion.  That’s how I would like to describe this near 5-month period.  After officially concluding my exam today, there’s still a lot much going on within my subconscious.  I studied like a madmen since the previous 8 days, but nothing’s going in my memory well.  I guess, there’s so much occurrences that somehow, my mind finally finds an excuse to even neglect the critical importance such as examination hours.  I admit, my focus had really gone haywire this period.  Even with the epic fatigue I had now both in my mind and physical state, I force myself to conclude this semester with a piece of my mind.

This semester alone, I had tons of conflicts with heck few of people.  Some of it were aforementioned above, while 1 of them lives within my own hostel.  THAT GAY.  I’m not calling him that name to insult him, but it’s the actual fact.  We had already acknowledged it since the 3^rd semester, but his issue deteriorates.  If it was not good enough he monopolized & manipulated my own timidness, he did stuff beyond your comprehension.  He always go out on weekends just to satisfy his “sensual hunger”.  Then at home, I’m forced to plug my ears with bombastic tunes just to not listening to him talking to his male partner, the hewey-dewey kind of conversation.  He got partners from all races, what a 1 Malaysia concept.  Indians, Malays, Chinese, Melanau.  You name it.  I admit, he is even more well-literate in Malay than I am.  Me & my roommate had been in a fractured relationship with him as days passed.  I broke the record, where I didn’t talk to him for nearly 2 semesters.  We did work, he watch movies.  We sleep, he increased his volume be it conversate or playing his media loud.   A personal ripoff.  The most tension time is during 3 weeks ago, when I return home & saw an anonymous male sitting in my room.  I even shook hands with him, before my slow mind catched up & realizing that it’s HIS GAY PARTNER.  This habit happens the 2^nd time last week, where that male resides in our room for more than 3 days.  Not going out, pray (he’s a Malay, geez), & just…sitting there.  Maybe my eye was showing illusions, but last week’s morning I see something disgusting.  They DID it.  It was 7++ a.m., right at the time when they assume we’re wide asleep.  God’s fate probably, that I turned my head and saw them did it.  Since then I had to hide in library 8 hours a day, then sleep at my pal’s home just to escape them  The moment they leave permanently, I never felt so relieved in this hypertension semester.  It’s a mistake for me to believe people from my own village.  My advice: never find people whom  you believe, but find people who believes in you.  Hope I’ll never see that person again in the last semester…

I’ll just elaborate on my relationship one last time.  What happened between me and her, I’m still quite blurred in convulsion.  With the assumption that the period of 1 month that I didn’t keep in touch with her during the holidays would clear our misunderstanding, I myself thought it would be a comfortable semester to go through.  As I perceive, things are not as it seems.  We had a slight argument in the earlier period after she sent me a letter, explaining her motives to reject my preposition.  Well, it took some time for her to do it.  I did mine during the last day in the previous semester.  From that letter, I learned about her reasoning to not accepting me that rapidly.  I admit, majority of it was indeed my own wrongdoing.  As it’s my first time falling in love, I assume that if we keep on showing that we care for someone in certain period of time, they’ll eventually do the same back.  And so I await for that time to come with a lot of troubles going on in my mind.  However, some tinge sensation told me that she’s not the person I should divulge my heart to.  But, I ignored my own intuition and keep hope.  The sweetest moment is during her birthday, on a normal Friday afternoon.  I had already prepared her gift 1 week earlier.  

Little that she’ll know that it’s actually my farewell present for her, as I vowed to return to reality after that.  I brought it in a paper fold over bag, then place it right in front of the lecture hall where I assume she’ll took a seat.  There’s already a few of my elder course mates who’s on the venue earlier grinned with shyness, as they saw my actions.  Then, she did sat over.  Hurm, my plan did work that sleepy afternoon.  Right after that when the class concludes, tens of faces smiled as they walked past me who’s discussing with our lecturer that time.  Then, she walked, cramping whilst blushing with a tiny grin, saying “makseh Farid…”.  I almost ran over to the door and opened it for her, but she’s independent.  Yeah, that’s what made my heart quiver to her.   Right after that, she showered me with tons of messages thanking me for being first in everything, from greeting until giving her the first birthday present.  My heart felt like, “Yeah, I did what I need to do.”  After this sweet moment, everything turned nightmare.  The rest as they say, it’s a history.

I decided to end this turmoil right after she insulted me on Facebook.  All the times that she commented on me without knowing me deep inside, it’s as if she wanted to maintain our friendship right at the awkward level.  If it’s in that extent I can take it normally.  But then when she’s started linking sensitive issues that if outsiders preview in 1^st time they’ll be sure to pretext it as an unjust treatment towards her.  From then on, I know that our issues must have spread more rapidly than I thought.  After my activity with her subsided, the critical moment occurs.  Whenever I go, people started to gave me that “unjust”, stern kind of composure.  From my opinion, people might thought that whenever I keep on updating about my heart’s longing of Nasirah to return, people perceive that I left her & her handicapped state in the dust.  They might on the line that I betrayed her during her most dire time of needing support.  This matter did took its toll on my social circles.  I was literally alone.  My activities online, passive.  Here on, I had only a few to rely to, which are my closest friends.  Sometimes I even receive reports from my friend who acknowledged our matter, about how she posted status that insults me indirectly.  

A few days ago, one of my pal showed me the note that she wrote.  I mean, it’s time this nonsense issues conclude.  Really.  Tired.  If she reject me, it’s fine.  Then how come all these nonsense conflicts keep on emerging like wild fire, never seems to reach the point to be diminished? My friends keep on giving me the same opinion: if she really did dispose my affection, how come the things that she said is as seems to be like we did get involved in something? After been alone, crying at night, sitting in the middle of the enormous university football field at night, I had eventually reached a conclusion of my own.  It was indeed my own fault.  Maybe I’m too sudden in expressing my feelings.  The most difficult part is, towards the wrong person.  Due to the fact that I believe should we express our feeling by giving the person we like presents, care for them in their times of need, be there whenever they require support, I presume that the feeling I had for her is LOVE.  It might be just as well a simple compulsion of the shred of timid kindness I had in store to care for her.  And I was indeed committing the biggest mistake.  This time, God had punished me in various ways that I see that the only way of returning to my sense is to pray vigorously for His help.  And I did.  I just hope that all the misunderstood perceptions, pointless accusations such as I left her after she rejected me and it was one-sided love would fade away.  In the 8^th semester, I’ll seclude myself permanently.

Ever since the beginning of semester, I already perceive that dark clouds would gather above my chin.  So many ominous happening, in such little time just flashed and gone.  Starting at the second week, I’ve already lost my best friend Nur Nasirah.  I’m retelling her stories this time, full and unbiased.  All the bad things that occur to her, it might be started ever since the previous semester.  She had been absent quite frequently, if I’m the only one who noticed.  As our friendship deepens, so does my care towards her.  I’m a very timid & gentle person at heart.  During the moment when she started to complain about her “disease”, I didn’t assume that it would be until that extent.  Fevers come and gone, fatigue and tiredness are a busy person’s norm to taste I believe.  But as this semester enters its toll, she’s starting to illustrate the most critical side of her state.  Remember the time when she messaged me and told me that she rather lose a limb or be involved in a mishap rather than enduring what she is facing now.  At that time due to my naïve nature, it took quite some time for me to get what she means.  However after experiencing it myself since I’m little, I become fond of her complications.  I decided that I’m going to care for this person, even if it would take the life out of me.  If she needs medical assistance, I’ll accompany her.  If she needs a shoulder to lean and cry on, I’m willing to be there without any outer motives.  However as her condition deteriorates, so does my feeling.  I suffer as I see her in pain every day.   And I blamed myself a bit for been so incompetent and oblivious. 

Remember the time when we had a walk after class.  It was a visitation to the pet shop in the vicinity of my home.  Near there lies some grocery shops, where Ira made a pit stop to purchase her personal stuff.  As usual, I accompanied her.  During the moment when I aided her in selecting groceries, she pressed her tummy and said, “Rid, perut ira sakit la.  Rid ada ubat tak?”.  She further explained that it may be her gastric that returned.  I was dead nervous at that time, as sweat pore started to form on her wide, white, pretty complexion.  Walking to the counter to purchase some medicine for her, she rejected my help.  After some brief consultation, I bought her a huge yogurt bottle and told her to drink it every now & then before she sleep.  She nodded diligently.  I wonder, if she did had housemates that would attend to her usual need then how come they didn’t notice that she’s not taking her dinner?  Question mark.  And I was never fond of that group ever since.  She’s willing to tell me everything, even her deep & darkest secrets.  

I remember the time during last semester, when she disappeared again from class.  I almost had the idea that she’s playing truant.  However after strolling the KTM station to accompany her to buy ticket, a drop of tear formed on my eyelids.  She told me it was to handle her “personal issue”, the matter that caused her to be ostracized by her village men.  I was so shocked and touched by how she could act normal, after broken relationship like that.  She still smiles genuinely to my face.  I swore, I turned my head and wipe away my tears right that moment.  That’s what makes her amazing, compared to other people who would just whine on just about every single detail that’s not worth to boast for.  People would complain about tiny assignments, posting stupid pictures of even tiny details like food, voicing out dissatisfaction about unfair treatment to them.  Well, look at Nasirah.  A tough coot by nature.  She’s that determined.  I care for her as a friend, and as a brethren.  Even though she’s older by a month, I still consider her to be my little sister like I never have.  However after moments of times passes, I noticed that this care might have evolved a bit.  She told me repeatedly that our relationship is just to the extent of best friend, and she doesn’t want me to fall for her.  Maybe it wasn’t after all.  I cried non-stop during my bike ride after attending my robotic competition meeting where they mentioned her name repeatedly, and it was not just the fall of tears this time.  I was wailing on the road, watched by PJJ’s & the family that asked my help to take pictures for them.  My emotion was unstable for this period, too much disappointment.  If only we are together this semester.  I mean, we had all the same classes.  From this matter alone, I saw her as an innocent soul that’s been discriminated & distrusted but still remains firm on her stand.  She’s a tougher egg than 2 of me put together.  Should she return soon, I would give her all my care.  Even if she needs a life companion to accompany through her hard times, I’m ready to be the man.  Truly, respect her.

Only, God knows how much I missed her this semester. :-(

mmm... :-(

So far, nothing pleasing ever happens in my life.  Not that I’m been too emotional or anything, but the stuff that I saw as bad luck in the previous time is nothing compared to this semester.  The only people who’s been at my side during my moments of failure is 3 people:  Tee Kuan Shan, Ernie Jain, & Syamsul Bahari.  This time I’ll just talk about them a bit, what made them lands the position of “specialty” within my heart.  My bro Shan, we had only known each other since the 3^rd semester back during our courseware project with the woman I once loved.  Our relationship is not that close by then, as we try to get to know ourselves better.  Like how he tested my Chinese ability, before we could blend in well.  Our friendship gets improved rapidly this semester, when I’m constantly in contact with him.  We did group projects, eat, sharing problems, sleep in his house, visiting together.  The thing that I didn’t believe is about how he still accepts me even after I reveal my family issues.  I always go to his home, sharing dissatisfaction about my crush & things that bother me much.  He’ll give me his brightest opinion, aided by his roommate.  I see how he look after a homeless puppy, how did he sacrifice his own financial just to comfort that little critter.  I mean, even our love story shares the same twist.  Remember a Sunday night when we sat in the middle of a dark field, chatting about our love issues.  In my university, he might be among those that acknowledged almost everything about my secret.  He’s that kind of sporting guy.  Many people misunderstood him as a coarse & do-it-as-long-as-it-is-finished kind of person, but he’s more gentle believe me.  He’s my closest companion this time around.

I took this pic a long time ago, but I never showed it to the public.  Some things are better kept at bay, I think. :-D

Ernie Love-nder Jain.  Among the girls that I always hang out with, she’s the most comfortable I’m with.  You could never believe how tender & sincere this person’s is at heart.  She always console me, been there when I need advice.  She also gives opinion unbiased.  I know that she had a lot of family complications in the past, just like I am in a mixed-race home.  But just like Nasirah, she never fails to smile even if she’s having the most troubled time to endure.  A few weeks ago back during our robotic tournament, she came by my exhibition booth, then just sat there and suddenly crying like crazy.  There’s a few onlookers by then, but I’m glad they’re the understanding type & pretend ignorant.  After listening to her problems, I advised her to cry even more.  Her family & relatives was targeted in hit-and-run incidents, 2 times in a mere 2 months’ time.  She longed to return.  By the way that she cried in front of me & acting strong in front of others, deep down I know that she had cemented a seal of trust in herself about us as her best pal.  Whenever I saw her trying to be thrifty in her expenses, I always try to be supportive indirectly even if I short of cash department at the moment.  In all the times when I started to know her during the 2^nd semester, our bonding had gone as close to that of a big sister & a little brother even though I’m her senior.  She’s diligent, intelligent, & filled with human vitality.  What’s saint about it is that she contributes her happiness to aid those in need.  Deep down I just wish someday I would ever discover a life companion as her.

That's her all right...

Syamsul Bahari.  He’s more of a foreign, but close at heart brother figure to me.  When we start to know each other during the 2^nd semester, our relationship is kind of awkward due to my Chinese nature.  Somehow, we forged our bonding every semester whenever we took the same minor course.  I’ll be the leader, but he’ll be an advisor that’s guiding from a distance.  We get closer as I start to share my family problems.  He usually will calm his tone, then gentled down my restless feeling with some comparisons of his own life story.  Last semester when we took the same flight, we shared a lot during our journey to the airport.  Since then, he started to act like a brother figure even though sometimes he seems hard in treatment.  He’s among the few that acknowledged my darkest secrets, and been the wise advisor for me to decide on my own proper future.  Among the people within his house compound, he’ll be the one who sprints to the porch whenever he sees me pushing bike into the squishy grassy pavement of his home.  2 weeks ago when I lost my “baby” during vital time, my laptop, he’s the one who volunteered to borrow it for me, as well as my bro Shan who lend it to me 3 nights in a row.  He’s the individual who offers to book flight ticket for me, even if he puts his cash first in the row.  Truly, I’m thankful to these souls.

He's on my left... :-)

From the academic perspective, there’s not much improvement except gaining some competency skills of my own, such as via software development & proposal implementation.  A lot of people praised my over-complicated proposal, where I also been the teacher to a lot of lost souls.  This is the trait when people praised me for my competency, but in the social side where I was shunned greatly.  I was focused on my final year project this semester, where my primary target is to develop an Android project that could propel me automatically to my Master qualification.  As all 3 of my supervisor complimented, I had THAT CAPABILITY.  Well, my social skill is a rocky mountain as compared to this.  One of the major projects where I placed the most effort on is my robotic project, where initially I was going to carry out with dear Nasirah.  I studied the coding, visit the lab every day, even play truant in 1 of my History classed (my 1^st time EVER in this university) just so that I could develop a robot that would make Ira proud should she returns.  However as I always say, things don’t go as smooth as they seems.  Our robot merely “quivers” in the competing ring that I had to rely on other group’s pity to qualify for the bonus score.  Good thing is, those that aided me are the ones who’re close with dear Ira, who acknowledged my difficulties in giving my best for her.  In other issues, things remain the same.  Low course marks even though you work sleepless nights, visiting libraries 5 times in a week, concentrating so much on work that I lost my own rest time.  But I think it’ll be a sacrifice that’s worth it, some day.

Ending my long sharing to conclude my horrible semester, I just hope that in the future I would finally become a person that people treat as equal, not with utmost bias.  People shouldn’t trust 1-sided love story, where people who remain quiet becomes the victim.  I even composed a poem for it (Love…Succeed or Fail!!! (Based on My Recent Experience) ).  With semester 6 bidding farewell, I just want to apologize sincerely to those that I offend, be it directly or indirectly.  I was still naïve & stupid as a human being.  Allow me to live as myself, don’t judge me before you’re in my shoes, & be considerate in treating our own companions.  Don’t overlook others with bias, as karma may return back to haunt you.  And finally, I pray that my final years in this tertiary institution would conclude its curtain as a normal one.  I’m a timid soul who’s still searching for the integrity road to rely on.  And may God give my best pal, Nur Nasirah a happy & indiscriminate life that she should get.  The End.

They're there when I need them.  That's what makes them special.

Kelegaan, dalam Keresahan.....

Seseorang yang benar-benar mencintaimu…

Bukanlah dia yang selalu ucap “I Love You” kepada kamu.

Bukanlah dia yang selalu berkata mesra di hadapanmu.

Bukanlah dia yang selalu mengatakan seberapa besar dia mencintaimu.

Akan tetapi..

Dia yang selalu mengkhuatirkan keadaanmu.

Dia yang selalu ingin tahu khabarmu.

Dia yang selalu ingin membuatmu bahagia.

Dia yang selalu mengerti perasaan kamu tanpa harus diminta.

Dia yang tak pernah menuntut cinta kamu untuk diperlihatkannya.

Dia yang tak pernah ingin membuatmu menangis kerana perangainya.

Dia yang selalu menghargai dan memuliakanmu.

Kerana dia tahu, ketulusan cinta itu tidak perlu diperlihatkan di depan orang ramai agar khalayak tahu bahawa kamu adalah satu-satunya cintanya.

Melainkan bagaimana dia mampu membuktikan seperti apa dia mampu untuk selalu setia dan melindungimu serta bertanggungjawab untuk menghalalkannya.

Cinta sejati.

Bukan hanya sekadar cinta di mulut saja.

Dan bukan cinta berteraskan nafsu semata-mata.

(quoted from somewhere, modified from that “where”, & posted here.  If notice, I never post in BM before.  But, it's touching...)

      I almost fell the library stairs at the moment I go online on my Android last night.  Nasirah posted a status, that I know is referring to her condition.  That's the good part.  The bad part is, all the "unrelated" articles took part in the conversation.  Even worse, that person who I assume is trying to divert my attention commented on the post like she's THAT close to my dear cat lover.  Actually, those that pretend to care about her didn't acknowledged that she is as wise as I claimed her to be.  She already foresee their actions, that's what she told me.  I remember last semester, when dear Ira started to show symptoms of her disease.  She texted me, who was curious with her absence.  "Rid, ira sakit sangat-sangat.  Demam.  Tak tahan dah..."  I offered to accompany her to the clinic right away, but she rejected with the pretext that she lost strength to even move.  And 1 thing that enrages me at that time: "Ira tak makan dari malam tadi."  It was evening at that moment.  More than 18 hours that she didn't feed anything.  From that time onwards, I was never trusting her closest companions and I felt that I had the obligation to look after this innocent girl and give her my utmost care.  Those people, I'm always watching in the rear.  Doing obvious things like that sure made them feel good, doesn't it?  I'm on the inclination of logical reasoning.  I don't make pointless assumptions regarding this issue.  People, all kinds of shapes and sizes that should doesn't exist wouldn't make this globe throttle around wouldn't it? 

      The moment that she sms’ed me today, telling me about her desire to return this July (to be precise, probably by the end of this week), how glad she is knowing there’s people who still remembers her well-being, her desire to meet me before I go back, wishing me luck for my exam, encouraged me not to lose my guard, and most of all, telling me how relieved she is to be pardoned from people here that had bad intention towards herself made me a bit whole deep inside.  People who didn't even attend to her while she's in pain, whilst they're living in just the vicinity shouldn't act saint and proclaim they care for her like they did.  Astagfirrullahhalazim, really.  She told me EVERYTHING, & it was me whom she always text-ed while she's bearing the pain until the extent that I need to acquire outside assistance to attend to my dear cat lover's health.  I thought about those peoples' actions, how they perceive they're in a group that bears the ideology of truth from the glare of the society.  With my closest friend's support & guidance, I thought to give all these matters a pass.  I never regret my decision to protect Nasirah like a family, even if it cost my reputation already.  Cause it definitely felt like I’ve given my heart to the right person this time.  Forget those that had the hard feeling to forgive & forget.  Nauzubillah. 

Somewhere, I felt at ease.

I was motivated by this pic to finish me and her's robotic project.  Although it failed... I still think I've done something that'll make her please when she returns.