< I Dedicate this to Sweet Nasirah > ...Completed Poem

now & then whenever i think of you, i nearly cried.

remember the time when we first met, we were naive & humble.
when i set my glare on you, i wonder how do you conceal yourself before.
as i never seen you anywhere, i thought you were like cottontail’s spore.
sprinkled in the wind’s gust, appearing in the dust.

talking in the crowd, walking neatly together.
as we get to know each other, we got closer.
chatting about each other, ignoring all our awkwardness.
i see you as pretty, walking proudly amidst humbly.
never looking down other, i held you highly.

by how you conversation with people of your own credibility, their eyes sparkle when yours came into contact.
crossing our border of freedom, you sneer cheerfully.
consoling me when i’m down, bored or just sad.
we ran together, scurried across the alley full of strays.
feeding cats, your most beloved critter that you would die to care at.

how you told me about your life’s perspective, something that i myself never seen before.
it somehow altered my overlook on living, even with a tiny fracture.
conceding to your wordings of wisdom, how you told me about yourself.
how you maintain your inner sanity, how you configure your confusion with full integrity.
i hear your stories, and felt that my degree of perspective is by far inferior than yours.

and so i listened with awe, when i stare at you.
deep inside i chit, i’ve met someone with my own style of living.
i always conceding to your inner being, your charisma that weakens.
i saw your inner beauty, how you pat those cats.
even though it’s all dirty & unfurbish, you didn’t even budge your palm, if not retracts.

i nearly dissed with embarrassment, as onlookers stare.
but i remain static over there, as i’m amazed by your awesome care.
you never fails to pluck in your wisdom, in everything that you did.
as you console me, telling me to not feed on people’s greed.
advised me to follow my own desire, avoid hurting what i need to acquire.

and so i did what you told me, and until now i never solely regrets.
our friendship went across the wire, where we jump around together.
laughing frantically with desire, not forgetting what we need to acquire.
you showed your intelligence in your stance, how you interpret your nature.
by act or force, you decide it with your judgment of maturity.

i like how you amend me, how you feel guilty if you didn’t contribute.
it’s what courtesy means, that we didn’t trampled on people.
your smile of innocence, how you curve your lips to strangers.
to those old, young, or even those that you care about.
that’s what makes the beauty out of you, my dear best friend forever.

now whenever i see our attended stalls, alleys, library shelves & shelters i’ll always remember what we had.
how you changed my perspective of life, treated me without bias.
been my closest girl companion, ignoring other people’s stare.
accompanying me through my darkest hours, attending with me through the morning’s wee hours that you scare.
i’ve never shed tears that much for anyone, but for you i did cry without care.

by how reminiscing about a person that you care about, it’s what made me had heartache.
your sudden departure, where i’m waiting with passion on your return.
when you’re gone, i felt like i’m a carpenter who lost their hammer.
should one day when we meet again, i’ll give you my utmost care.
now & then i cried with care, praying that you’re doing good over there.

i’ll always remember you, my dear good friend,
where i woke up in a chaotic state, and realized that you are there when i needed,
you used to be accompanying me through thick and thins, where a single call or sms would bridge us closer,
now even calls are not suffice, as we are farther away from each other,
however time closed its toll, signifying the future that's bleak but somehow full of hope.

just as dawn creeps after dusk unfolds, actual stories of us lingers untold.
uncredited actions unravel, where i've been a sole survivor.
perhaps it's my own action were to blame, where i trusted people too mundane,
concealed intentions, hidden integrity, betrayed trust; those traits that you possibly won't behold,
deep inside should you ever read this, remember that we would do as what we both told.

~may fate reunite us like the seaside bayou, blowing softly signifying our unification of happiness~

this is the very last text that i had with her...

This seat, it was never filled, it's always vacant.  Up until today, the 14th week.  Feels like it's been reserved for her since the 2nd week...

p/s: dedicate it to the kelantan lass…

Love…Succeed or Fail!!! (Based on My Recent Experience)

Love.

It’s a two-person thing.
It involves the mutual trust between 2 individuals.
When you tell someone how happy you are with the one you love, they might feel glad or opposite, awkward.
When you tell others that your relationship is a miserable occurrence, they could be sympathetic or worse, feel glad in return.

Should the one that you care about was indeed, your soul mate sent by God, It would be the most marvelous thing to indulge.
You’ll feel at Heaven.
However the contrary, you are looking at an incident that you might regret you ever had.
You’ll feel at Hell.
Should if the love gone awry, you can only pray as a cure to cease it. 

When the person who decides to leave silently been misunderstood & shun greatly as if they’re at fault, do they actually deserve it?
Should the person that got left behind got confused, does it give them the right to make pointless accusations just to make the silent one seems at fault?
When a love gone wrong, does it seems fair for the public to judge it one-sided?
The sides blame each other, in the end the clueless crowd becomes affected.
Worst case scenario, gossips been spread without truth or integrity. 

Does the loud side felt that they gained support, confident they’re at winning side.
Or the quiet side being more contracted, retracting from reality.
In the end, two good companion became sworn enemy full of awkwardness.
That’s why love is a complex equation.
When you thought it’s easy to solve, it become branches to nowhere.

Don’t have high hopes without commitment, but don’t lower your heart without hope.
Because someday, the right person will be at your doorsteps.
Never lose hope of that day to come.

p/s: I'm writing this with myself as 3rd person in persona.  People, don't ever fell in love with the wrong girl/boy.  Cause if you do, hrm...

Friends...A Mystery that I Would Never Resolve

      What is a friend? A question that for myself, remains a riddle.  As there’s so much incidents going on recently, it makes me always reconsider the actual definition pertaining one.  Giving my own conceptual definition of it, a friend is someone that you get along after spending time with them for a certain period of time.  Maybe there’s a wider scope of its meaning, but somehow I still considers it to be a nice refining of the whole concept.  Okay, enough blabbering.

      Up until 1 month ago, my life had never been in a tidy arrangement.  Since Nasirah’s departure,  I really sense a hollow trench deep inside.  Blame it on my nature of only socializing with people that I prefer & be most comfortable with.  Up until now, my actual amount of sincere friends could be counted by mere fingers.   Retelling an incident that made me outraged up to the extent I decided to block my blog from outside entrance, it’s about how you could lose trust even in people you consider as your friend.  Precisely 1 month and 5 days ago, the social media had been my turmoil.  I was attacked on that day, starting from the moment I reactivate my account.  Perhaps God give me a flick that time, that I insisted on stopping at the library’s foyer just to reach out my notebook for mere 30 minutes.  “……Enough of this **na person”.  The person posted this status, without noticing my presence.  Her pal added oil to the flame.  “……Enough of this ***** person”, she commented.  Of course, fill in the stars.  F-A-R-I-D.  I was embarrassed by how she would go as far as to intrude my blog, and at the same time my emotion went on steam, just like an oven fire.  On that night, she continued her hijack on my feelings by posting remarks on how she didn’t want to be taken care of by me, how she’s stubbornly rejecting her handicapped condition, and cursed me a bit.  Surprisingly it got a heck of likes, even from my closest friends.  They couldn’t possibly think that the person that she mentioned isn’t ME.  I’m the only one who’s having a desire to maintain a blog, where the language is alien.  Coming out from nowhere, my fingers tapped like crazy a cursing note, as well with final apologies included.  I never curse that hard, well not with vulgar words of course.  I sent it to her, then I awaited for 3 minutes where I instructed her to copy it before she read it.  If she really did as told, it’ll trap herself.  Then I immediately blocked her.  From there, I felt uncomfortable for about a few weeks before my mind eventually passed on the idea of me ever fell in love with a person as harsh as her. 

      Up until this moment, I had felt finally at ease, because I had released this poison.  But I never thought, the follower that I entrusted with (her friends of course) would reveal what I mention there & betray me that easily.  I already identified these culprits & scum.  Before I swore that I would get them to the bottom of Earth if I had to.  But after my soul searching journey this few weeks, somehow I forgive them.  Maybe it’s their nature that’s unavoidable: bossy & nosey.  Someday, their partner would feel just the same.  Everything that’s happened, actually both of us never had any intimate relationship whatsoever.  After the love expression, it became this.  I ended my friendship with her.  Whatever happens after this, I would never even give a thought to care.  Only last week when we have major classes that I encountered her, after 1 months sharp passed.  Her expression after seeing me?  I ignored her.  In my shred of hearts, a little piece of dignity still remains.  Maybe I had finally moved on from this miserable friendship.  But I also thank God for giving me such a testament.  Should I ever been in relationship with her, & if one day we ever got married somehow, our household won’t be that harmony.  Cause whatever a couple experiences before their maritial woes won’t be that smooth when they live and sync.  However I had lost trust in all Malay girls, for now.  Be it like that.  This experience had really taught me the perspective of relationship.  It was my biggest mistake of gusting into this web of conspiracy in the first place.  3 semester of confused feeling huh?  Before in this early semester period I admit, I had tried means to reconcile with her.  Volunteered to be in the same group as her, performing some minor tasks, it’s just an effort for her to feel that she’s not owing me anything anymore.  I’m willing to repair this relationship, so that she would feel at ease with my every presence.  Let her feel, “Wah, Farid is here.  That’s a relief.”  However, I don’t quite figuring out her mindset; the thing’s got complicated as time progresses.  

      I’m not blaming it on her injury that made her sensitive to remarks I made, but judging from what I see perhaps I’ve paid too much attention to her in the past.  Maybe, she felt that when I suddenly gave another person my focus, she might lose the only person who cares for her.  That’s my opinion.  After that harsh remark of hers, I’d really lose sight on looking for a companion, at least for the time being.  My credibility of how tender Malay girls could be that’s building up from 21 years spent living within Chinese community, might had been slightly dented.  I mean, not much people here in Perak aroused my interest.  I get to know people, say “Hi”, greet each other every time bumping into each other, then the habit fades gradually with time.  Now I even see those Malays that always had a warm greeting with me, suddenly gnawed with our encounters.  People, sometimes you can’t seem to satisfy them much.  Perhaps they expect you’re playful like them, would break the ice by sharing common interest & having prep talks, then starting to blend in by shoving each other in the chest and saying harsh words that normal politeness wouldn’t compromise.

      However as time progresses, I sometimes do felt like I’m missing whatever that we did together.  Should I never express my feeling towards her, things probably won’t go that awry.  We maybe would still remain friends, maybe even closer by now.  As I’ve been growing up in a miserable family, unsupporting environment, I admit that sometimes I might be sensitive about mutual relationships.  She’s been commenting about how I shouldn’t only be in a single social circle, and think outside the box to obtain more friends.  I mean, I’ve been like that for like…ever.  She misunderstood the part when I told her about my clash with my housemates, how I only had a few as my true pals.  Wrong indeed.  That’s among the reason where I felt like leaving her might be the better option to be.  Can’t take her comments that didn’t even know me from deep inside.  Like how I’ve known Nasirah the past semester, it’s not even been half a year but I dare to say that my relationship with her might be ever closer than when she’s living with her housemates 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  That’s why even though we forge a strong bonding, our relation never went beyond a pal-to-pal boundary.   That’s another reason why I never want to be close to some of my course mates.  They act like that.  Perhaps, that is the primary reason why I felt so dejected.  People respect us for who we are, but they are awkward once it comes to social matters.  Slowly but silently, I’ve been able to accept this fact.  When the moment I decided to make another new account, it’s due to escaping some of them that I couldn’t avoid been prayed on.  But it may have also bring in confusion and dissatisfaction.  Some of them had even thought I blocked them.  So I’ve been spending this period alone, soul searching for how I could conclude this issue.  And so far it’s leading me to only countless blank expressions.  Man, it’s tiring.  Even created a Tumblr account as an alternative to my blog.  There, I felt that I could release my tension in a more gentle way.

      Talking about my course mates, there’s someone who I’ve been constantly been paying attention to.  Want to say she’s my course mate, not quite.  This person is what I perceive, the real definition of “silent killer”.  She’s so concealed in everything, yet she’s fond of her surroundings.  I’ve been her fan for since the 3^rd semester, at least before I fell in love with ****.  What the heck.  Don't want to mention her anymore.  Let it slide.  She's on the same university as I am.  Sometimes, I monitored this person's blog, posts & stuff.  It's like reading a novel or sort.  I'm not exaggerating.  I noticed a pattern of her behavior.  She never forgets her friends back in the high school days.  She well balanced her social circle, be it here in university or back at her village.  Some of us might have the tendency of evolving nature, less friends in high school & more here vice versa.  But she’s different.  At first I thought she might be as well as I am, dejected by society & secludes herself.  But she’s very mature in her behavior.  Her writings & status, it tends to express the older side of her.  Like a guiding star or some sort.  The more spying work I did, the more amazed I am by her attitude.  She’s a high scorer, pretty in complexion (well, yeah…), and most typically, she’s not a conventional Malay girl.  She tends to be alone, but when she’s socializing you could actually feel her warm hospitality.  Nowadays I rarely see her anymore.  Not the same class, not to mention the same subject. 

      Remember the time where we had the same class back in the 3^rd semester.  “Wow, the face, appearance, she’s stunning……”.  God, I get naughty that time, but not to THAT extent.  My stupidity of perceiving her as somebody else might be the reason why I fell in love with someone else.  You know who.  An older girl with similar complexion also attends the class, and I thought that it’s her.  I misunderstood that she could grow THAT OLD in mere few weeks, so my interest dies down.  The role interchanged week after week.  So, my attention towards her gradually disappears with time.  However, recently I started to follow her blog recently.  I didn't notice that she's somehow emerging again.  Maybe she’d noticed it by now.  So, maybe I would back down a bit.  Hurm, a nice candidate maybe?  But I’ve shut my heart.  Maybe if I had the gut to start again, it’s not too late to start anew.  She's far away man.  Couldn't even apend time to get to know her.  Date, perhaps?  But if we are fated, maybe, just maybe we could…wow.   If there’s more people like her could exist in my university, maybe we could indeed become teachers with full integrity.  I respect her, and her inner perfection.  My closest pal already knows who it is by guessing, and they agreed by my preposition as long as I'm not the miserable one anymore.  So, it’s up to my gut to do what needs to be done.  Nah, pass~

      My 3^rd resolution for this semester: become a full Li Shengshun character-calm & unbiased might could be realized.   It’s probably because I’ve spent so much time alone, after leaving the social reality that is AT20.   My perception towards my course mates had really been altered.  Disappointed by how they would make a simple opinion based on what they only see, but not by asking the actual person who’s experiencing it.  I’m not an important person to always mutter about how people should respect our opinions & stuff, but by how they act behind us is the best way to decipher their true opinion regarding us.  I admit, I might miss her a bit, but the tears I cried for her is not worth it compared to when it flow when Nasirah left me.  Forever, no one could ever understand your pain but yourself.  People would only add salt to the scar, sprinkle oil to the ember, but rarely you’ll find someone who would keep quiet with you on a table, look at you in the face, and keep quiet just to listen to your problems.  Like my friends in university: Ernie, Asyraf, Kuan Shan & most importantly Nur Nasirah.  Even my family is treating me biased, but it’s a sensation that everyone felt sometimes when your family members are all at the top.  

      With the remaining 2 ½ semesters to go, I decided that no matter how painful you would have to endure, friend is just a tip of the iceberg.  You need to sort out the better side of them, fit your nature with theirs, blend in, and let time decide should you are meaningful to them or the contrary.  Don’t misunderstood someone who you thought mutual for the previous 3 years, but their awkwardness to you is just like they’ve been knowing you for only 3 weeks.  Like my case with Syazwana, it ended that way.  People made us feel horrible of our relationships.  In the end, it breaks just like they predicted it.  I don’t want others to experience my misery, but let it be a moral for us to look for true friends that we could put our full trust on, and we could die for them just to see their happy expression.