A Concluding Entry...Semester 5

Love, it can be mesmerizing & prickly simultaneously.  It’s pretty early for me to compose my semester 5 ending entry, but taking a rest from my very heavy major and minor exam which just concluded today, there’s literally 1 paper left.  However, I felt that everything needs to be resolved within the confinements of the white, virtual writing canvas known as word editor.  As seen on all my previous entries from September up until January 2013, there’s only 1 bugging issue that’s been hindering my motion all the time.  To separate it into components, I’m going to split this entry into a few sections: namely roommate, course mate, work, and finally HER.  So here it goes.

Want to talk about my roomate, I just don’t know how to describe them.  Horrible?  Obnoxious? Not even close enough.  As I thought the semester before that while I’m living alone in this spacious room, I’m really lonely without anyone to attend to.  Previously our relationship is not that strained, as I give in to everything that they felt comfortable to.  I’m willing to do housework, watching them partying around, laughing while I’m having depressing moments, it’s all that I could bear.  However, the thing needs to be stopped.  Remember 1 of my previous entry where I mentioned about 1 of them?  Having a major gaiety of immersing himself into same species preference?  He just got better.  I never expected it, but when he’s shouting on the phone and putting my stuff near pork products, I know that he’s just obnoxious of himself.  He read the entry, and literally apologized to me.  On FB.  The 1 message that I never opened up until today.  Gave him 2 months to apologize live to my face, but the words never come.  I guess, there’s people like that around.  This entry is not going to ostracize their presence, but I felt that I’m better off without them around, just like this very moment when I’m alone.  Somehow, I had already foreseen this storm coming, so I just maintain my silence while living with them these 2 months.  I sometimes hear them gossiping when I’m in the gents, or even using foreign languages that they perceive I couldn’t comprehend.  These experiences made me felt that, even if you expect that person would forge a bond with you in the future, you would never expect that they’re having hidden agenda lurking around that very noggin of them.  You could never expect how people think, although their act may seem varied.  Sometimes, you assume that you would be able to take those blows from them so long as you could harmonize with them, but they just keep on pushing you on the brink of the cliff waiting for you to snap and retreating back into seclusion.  I mean, I don’t really know what they are thinking at the moment.  How I’d be involved with this kind of people who seems so slack, it’s all in God’s planning.  Maybe someday He’ll shine out a path of resolution for me to choose.

Talking about course mates, there’s been a lot going on recently that this particular entry might just seem not be enough to relay it all.  For these 4 semesters that passed, I always expect that people are practicing a kind of ritual, some preference when they want to be friends with someone.  What I been through this semester, it really opened my outlook on life better.  Citing an example, when I told her friends about my feelings toward her.  The people that I told, they’re the very same that read my joyful, ending entry last semester.  After that entry, they keep on commenting about it online.  I thought that’s a good thing.  However, it became a reason that we literally split up, our relationship fractured to the point of awkwardness.  During these early semester 5, me and ***a’s relationship are getting more and more intimate, with me posting on her wall without caring about the observers on the cyber community.  It turned awful for her, when people keep on teasing my name with her.   When she keeps on posting status neglecting about our relationship, some of her pals are been defensive about her.  They mentioned me indirectly about some of my obvious acts, such as giving her presents and calling her “Dear” within the crowd.  This hurts me in the process.  One of her friend, *a****a asked me right after giving a harsh comment targeted towards me.  I told her every detail, not denying anything.  She gives me her opinion about the matter, while advising me to maintain my sanity to not embarrass ***a’s integrity as a woman.  

 I accepted her advice,

however right after that I could sense something different about her air of treatment to me.  She seems rather cold and ignorant, if it’s not me who’s been sensitive.  So, it’s been 1 of my regrets for exposing my secret to someone who I trust could hold my integrity with.  Not long after that, her “virus” spreads to some of my course mates with them been giving me a cold shoulder every time we encounter in campus.  Not that I didn’t notice it, but I’ve been patient ever since.  I also found out that people are constantly monitoring my activity, albeit not obviously done.  Sometimes I’ll encounter few of my course mates who’ll ask about the status update that I’ve done a few nights prior that I myself didn’t had a strong impression about it.  People are really getting colder this semester, not the same level of humidity that they exude out like previously.  I mean, it’s maybe due to my constant style of posting my heart’s content which is quite depressing and might been an eyesore to whoever who didn’t know my from inside.  It’s different from the status update people made just to attract people to “Like” it.  Or, people thought that I’m arrogant just because I never use BM as a medium of deliverance.  Well, they won’t understand the noggin of people like me, who’s brain jammed with 8 languages and still searching a new language to be proficient at.  Sometimes, I do care about these minor details because it seems like people are rejecting me blending in their society.  It’s as if they are so immersed in their local languages, and unable to accept people who’re foreign to them.

Not only that, I could see some of my closest friends are experiencing it too.  For example, my sweet dear pal Ernie Jain, who’s always posting about humanity values which some of them are quotations from Bible.  Most of the Malays won’t like her status.  So does my pal Tee Kuan Shan and Arvin Cheong.  We are the few individuals who get neglected just because we prefer to voice out our opinions.  I mean, those messages such as “Good morning, I’m praying now…”, or “I’m having fun shopping, wasting money…vacation…” are those few fraps that people adore absolutely.  Here, I know how self-centered people are.  Even assignments, not all of them are cooperative as such.  Been mentioning it every semester, so it’s a norm that I’ll leave out for this time.  Fortunately, there are those people that still see me as a whole, no matter how good or bad my situation is.  Ernie Jain, we had known each other since 2^nd semester.   

Although sometimes we had awkwardness discussing about personal problems that we have, she’s so sincere and just.  She never fails to tender out the tense situation with her gentle smile, accompanied by her stern statement.  I know she’s been in a tight family situation before, but I’m amazed by how she been managed to rise up from the conflicts to be that positive of her today.  She’s among the few that would dodge to a seat with me, in the huge lecture hall where I’m constantly alone.  Nur Nasirah (her pics is in the few previous entry), she’s Ernie Jain no. 2.  During the moments when I’m having conflicts with ***a, she’ll be the one to sweeten things up.  Never fails to listen to my problems.  Among the Malay girls that I known here, she’s the only one that’s open enough to have a sneer laugh with me, sitting together on the same table while sneering towards each other.  There’s a few more, Fikrul Hakim, Asyraf Abdullah who’s really been neutral and never been altered by the magnitude of changes in the environment.  So, it’s a fortune in a despair to have these people as your brethrens, where you could rely on without been betrayed by those that you expect to believe in, but in the end they change their perception after they know your slight imperfection.

HER.  How could I put it?  The very first love that I’ve lost to.  I’ve been mentioning about her in every of my previous ones, so this time I’ll make a summary about our relationship.  What’s going on actually, I’m still lost in judgment.  After I told her that I love her, the world seems as an illusion to both her and me.  She rejected me, without giving me a concrete reasoning or dispelling my 3 semester long wait of hope.  Now, she thought that every action I made would have a hidden intention.  The night during her accident, it shatters my world.  The moment when I see her shedding in tears while holding her broken ribs and shoulder, I felt like I wanted to wring out my palm to wipe that tears off her bloodshot eyes.  The tears that I shed every now & then before I finish prayers, the prayers that I constantly give out for her.  I rejected every single quarrel that we had when I see her injured state, just to see her getting well again.  Why do I ever fell in love so deeply with a person like her?  Citing 1 of her status that my pal Shan told me after I blocked her, “Semarah-marah aku ngan hang, aku tak kan block, unfriend hang.  Ooo, rupa-rupanya hang ada niat tersembunyi selama ini nak dekat ngan aku.  Lepas aku tak layan niat hang tu, hang wat benda bodoh cam ni.  Terima kasih kerana aku dah nampak niat sebenar hang.  Terima kasih kerana memblock aku, dan halalkan semua yang kita dah wat.  Terima kasih sangat-sangat.”  This comment, no matter how harsh it is, I still haven’t lost my feelings to her.  

 Considering what she did, posting status and remarks that’s making me fiery inside, I should not had been a forgiving person that easily.  She never understood the essence of my doing. It’s always me who’s conceding to her.  I always ask about her well-being, giving her support, fulfilling her wish, but she never in one moment would do the same.  Never expect a moment when she would call or text, “Farid sihat?”  This relationship, I’ve been giving it all but the weight only slants to one side.  She’s been childish (or all the girls act the same when male are trying to win their hearts, I don’t know……), but been constantly tagging the “Childish” label on me instead.  She never understood my pure intention to look after her.  These 2 weeks in her dire moments of surgery, I’ve been a zombie and praying while waiting for a single shred of news about her recovery.  When news came in that she’s getting better day after day, it made me a whole deep inside.  Her last request was to ask me to do a coding homework for her last Saturday.  I settled it in a couple of hours, pushing aside my Object-Oriented Programming study time while volunteered to tutor her so that she’ll not get left out as she’s lying in bed.  However, she rejected my proposal with the pretext of forbidding boys entrance into her college compound and been silent after I settled her task.  It’s the ending point for me.  I’m giving up this time.  Maybe it’s just my misunderstanding that I manage to slightly dent her hardened heart to accept me made me lost in my own illusion.   So, from this moment and ending this 5^th semester, let the tender and sweet moment when I fell in love with a girl named Syazwana be concluded as well.  Maybe I’ll care for her after this, but it’ll not be more than a boundary of ordinary friends just like she wanted.  Maybe, I shouldn’t clap 1 hand.  I won’t chase you anymore, don’t worry dear.  I’m fed up.

Finally, work.  This semester I’ve listed down 9 resolutions that I’m committed to achieve.  One of them is to put more effort in programming, which I did.  Glad that after today’s OOP (stands for Object-Oriented Programming) ended, it may not end as disastrous as Data Structures.  Prepare for 5 days prior, while been doing exercises this entire semester.  Finally I understood the essence of learning programming, something that people who’re not literate in Information Technology would ever comprehend.  The others, my life is been as hectic as ever.  Been a Rakan-Exco Perpaduan (which put me involved in quite a few activities), where I felt that I achieved something etched into my academic transcript.  Earned a green belt in Taekwon-do, helping a lot of lost souls in need (be it academically or socially), myself matured a bit in the process.  Added with my constant love pain, I understood what my mom told me that we must be like the grass, weak on the outside but won’t be plucked off from the ground when the gust blows.  This entire semester had been spent hiding in library, where I keep on borrowing up until the point that I lost a book.  Seriously.  Going to pay the fine before I return to Sarawak, a hefty RM120.  But my epic tiredness from studying 7 hours++ every day made me reluctant to just pay the fine and return to Sarawak with no penny left.  Maybe I need to clear myself of these problems.  Group projects where they had me as a leader, they could rest easy.  However, I’m “redha” (Islamic term that I learnt this semester which means giving in to the wills of the Almighty) with it.  Maybe it’s an indirect way for me to prepare myself for PHD next time, think for it like that.  I’ve learned that no matter how low-spirited you are, you must never give in to intuition as the only one who could aid yourself is yourself, while others would live on to pick up your scraps and see you in disaster.  Other work ethics that I wanted to achieve from my 9 listed resolution for this semester, such as perceive the illusion, focus solely on doing work, don’t allow emotions waver the judgment, careful considerations of spending, call less home than before, and try to score GPA of 3.5 again, some of them I might had been holding it in my grasp.  

So, I’m not touching more points than these more vital ones because it’s all just a repetition with added enhance features every semester.  Quite a long one, this one actually.  With 1 more paper left, I can nearly bid semester 5 farewell.  With all the disappointments, tears fallen, smiles captured in delightful moments, laughter of joys during unexpected gatherings, and tensions aroused from selfish people and hectic lifestyle, I can say that semester 5 is really a daunting journey of living for me.  It had changed me a lot inside without people noticing.  But I wish that this thorn in the flesh would not be a hindering factor for me to propel forward, and may more happy moments awaits for me in the next semester and forwarding this year 2013.  May my heart not be filled with voids of sorrow that people never understands like what I experienced this half year period, and may my life be filled with more positive aura be it from myself or the people surrounding me.  Farewell, semester 5 and all its inhabitants.

I fooled people with this 1, haha...actually it's for myself.

This is the ACTUAL teddy that I bought her, not the brown one.  Man, I got everyone fooled~

Ernie, Nasirah, Arvin, Asyraf, Fikrul, Syamsul, Kuan Shan, all of them are in there.  Best pals that I'll never forget.

<12.11 a.m., Saturday 12^th January 2013~li sheng shun’s heart stories>