An "Robotic" Incident to Remember, Worth to Reminisce

My pretty friend.  Remember the incident that day, when she sat down in my booth & suddenly cried while expressing to me on a personal family matter.  It's touching.

      Tonight, it's full of nostalgia.  The course, really changed me a lot inside that nobody knows about it.  I remember the time when we had the robotic competition.  This event involves my by-then close partner Ira.  The story went all the way back, when she's facing all the difficulties.  I think from the 60 teams that're taking part, I'm the only team that competes single-handly, solo.  During the times, I struggled hard to juggle my social responsibilites, life conflicts with my then love crush, & the various workload that I had in university.  I mean, I cried almost every once in a while.

      The only time that I thought I fought alone in this project is when Ira bid me farewell in the middle of it all.  I remember the time, when it's Monday afternoon that I received her text whereas she disappeared by almost a month.  She decided to postpone her studies.  By the tone of her message that I read, I just sat still.  Then, my body lied down on my single-man bed with my room mate's looking.  I hugged my Angry Bird plush, covered my face, then bursted into tears with those sobbing noises included.  My room mate, just looked at me dumbly & pitifully without knowing what's going on.  That evening, I braved myself to survive a university committee meeting that I had to present.  My soul was emotionless for those 3 weeks.

      After that time, I struggled to settle the project.  Went to robotic lab every morning, afternoon whenever I had time.  In myself,  I urged my inner spirit to endure it all, to do whatever it has to win the 1st prize.  Even played truant for my History lecture for the very 1st time ever in 3 years I'm pursuing tertiary education.  It's also to prove to my former crush that how she dejected me will be flushed down the drain should I manage to stood on the podium, claiming victory where she volunteered to be in my team to mend our relationship in the 1st place before she joined another popularizer man that keeps on showing off.

      A lot that I had to go through during that time.  I cried almost every day at 2.40 a.m. before went to bed.  Call me crazy.  During the competition, Ive survived 3 days straight of sleeping for only 4 hours.  Despite all the efforts, God gave me a disappointing day to engulf those 2 days of robotic event.  I was alone at the display booth, competing ring, whilst my former flame was only 5 feet away & constantly staring.  It ended with me losing, however had garnered a few cheers & salutations for those who knew my misery.  Now, I had completely lose touch with her for 9 months.  Only God knows what revolved during these period.  This occurrence taught me a lot about human perception, about how even our closest friend would be a prick to our skin, & discovering people that we must fight all our life to care about. 

      Thank God for giving me a life lesson, etched well in just 2 months of me living alone without lovers, or people who would spend time to know me deep inside.  From there onwards, I played a deaf ear to all people who tried to harm me emotionally, & spent time with those that I love and actually care about the most.

Time, could you be the cure to everything, anything?

Flowers, Bees, Survive in Nature

Like a flower petal, her spirit blooms.

Budding in a wide grassy field filled with adjacent stalks of roses, you fully empower yourself.

Even though variants exist within the pavement, your personality gleams among the rest.

Maintaining the equal amount of petals day by day, your emotion never got altered by people’s perception.

Every flora will experience the same experience of life cycle, whether it’s just a grass weed or the vibrant colour of the sunflower.

Struggles to spread its seed, germinates & pollinating across different types of soil.

Dependence on its surrounding initially, however slowly manage to grow with fertility,

As the experience of struggling within a newfound environment changes us internally, our judgment remains the same.

Crawling to endure the passing days, the flower buds according to Mother Nature’s arrangement.

By what its predecessor passed down to it, the flower shares the similar traits of not giving in.

Whether affected by the gust of wind blowing heavily, raindrops that accumulated into flood, the flower still retained its beauty & uniqueness.

“Yeah, we will grow together when time progresses”, the flower would think if it shares the mind of humanity.

After endured for certain amount of time, the flower nearly wilted from the harsh endurance Mother Nature had prepared it.

Deprived of moisture, compose of soil that’s lacking in nourishment, the flower nearly fade out in the struggle of competitive environment.

However, a sign of Fate befall its growing pattern, where a bee lands its feet filled with honey occasionally on the flower’s stalk.

The flower slowly regained its composure, managed to revive its wilted self.

“Stay happy & beauty, I will bring you honey!!!”, the bee proclaimed.

The flower emerged abruptly, spirit filled with new hope & strength to empower its living.

All the tiredness, emotion affected, was recovered within a nick of time.

Once again, the flower gave the bee a mutual shelter filled with the Sun’s warmth & shields from the incoming rain.

Shockingly, the flower managed to overcame its period of depression.

With support always around, care and compassion circulated around its growth.

The flower became the most beautiful bud around, eliminating the dominance of roses that stands out previously with their fragrant smells & perfect untarnished petals with its new tenacity.

“You can do it.  I’m always buzzing around~”, the bee flew around to lend the flower a tendril as support.

P/S: I wrote this to relieve a special person of her sadness.  She's the only lass who'll cry & express her feelings to me bluntly.  She cried once again when I called her earlier this morning.  I know we share the same emotion, lonely.  God, please always give people like her happiness.  Among the people that I knew, she's the only girl that I'm most comfortable with.

Final Betrayal. Time to Move on & Start a New Life.

      Today, once again I realize that I'm the victim of ostracization.  How to put it, I felt that everyone rejected my existence so much.  Maybe, people never see behind the dotted lines, only wanted to write the text on a piece of  well-aligned, block of paper.  The final betrayal that I felt today, a closest friend of mine.  Back in the 9 previous months, I always mention about how sick she is, needed people to attend to her condition.  My heart wavers whenever she complained her state.  She mentioned how she felt to me; the tingling sensation within her skin, people's treatment towards her acknowledged state.  I admit, back then probably people thought I'm fanatic of giving her the best treatment as a friend.  Me posting status on how I wanted her to recover, the long essay I composed about this girl that became an object of hatred for the girls' surrounding me.  I was over reacting again, wasn't I?

      Like I'm a saint, I thought that by praying, constantly vow to give her the best recovery in life, little by little my own identity was tarnished.  Last month, I was disappointed by how she updated her status on her engagement.  Not like I had a crush on her on anything, but as her good friend she never mentioned anything.  Imagine when you're missing someone, you texted her countless times, phone calls that never been reached in the other side, Facebook messaging that were read but weren't replied, then she did that.  I never understand, why people keep on treating me coldly like this.  As on today, she's the second girl that had been placed in my unofficial bingo book.  The book that I never place name for those that I like.  Did she became my enemy unrealized, just like my previous crush?  I PRAY NOT.

      My closest pals were the always been the fuel to ignite my passion, but I never felt that it's enough to empower me further.  I was a really weak person inside.  Maybe, what I did for people that they perceive as "good" or "bad" was just an expression of human emotion.  I never understand what people thought of me in UPSI.  It's my fault for not spending time with others, too dense with my motivation of finishing work.  When the targeted task is done, I always felt empty.  Compared to those that had their task finished at the eleventh hour, I saw their satisfaction is far greater than mine.  It's my fault that I blend in too much with Chinese culture, that my own race ignored my existence as a full-fledged Malay.  How I didn't mingled with my own male coursemates that I assume were full of nonsense, and been too subjective with my own motive to succeed in tertiary institution.  Finally, how I couldn't isolate the misery of my family's separation from my own social life that caused me to always been in a gloomy state, only end up to be cheered up by sweet Ernie.  Maybe, it was always my own doing all this while.

      So, what I did to people might be the toll of everything.  I felt, there's too many mistakes that I did in life that I didn't know how to unravel.  Probably all this while, whilst I'm busy performing reconaisance for a darling partner that could aid me in enduring all these horrible moments, I lost track of what I really need.  I cared too much for people, that I'm hurt in the process.  I treat people with hostility, but people didn't give a damn of returning the favor.  I tried so hard to be excellent, that I keep on depressing myself with pointless worries.  So from this moment onwards, I will fully focus on the 6 important task that I want to accomplish before I die.

1.  Get a Master in Internet Computing.  Or anything relevant.  If can, go for PHD.
2.  End my life in university with forgiveness from all those that I offended directly, or indirectly.
3.  Don't put too much on people's priority anymore.  It's pointless.
4.  Find a good woman that would care for me.  Don't spend time looking for them, let time attracts them forward.
5.  Buy a big house, affordable SUV, marry a Chinese/Mixed/Bumiputera that looks like a Korean beauty, and have 2 children.
6.  Earn enough money to buy Mom jewellery every once per 3 months, provide dear Fandy with protection, & have a happy family that would sit around every Sunday evening & laugh together while watching TV.

If I did all these, I could die in ease.

Make it or Break it

A piece of advice from yours truly.  After eflecting the problems on myself...

Diamonds in the Rough

As my bro Arvin is headed into bed, suddenly I had this tinge of composing a poem.  The 1st person that came into my mind.  No, not cat lover this time.  It's a person that's very special.  The very 1st Sabah lass that I befriended in the university ever since the 1st semester.  So, kind of took me 1 hours to wrote, just sit there in the dark....she inspires me.

<~Diamonds in the Rough~>

A description of honesty, I would like to describe your appearance.

A piece of indescribable beauty, your smile weakens.

I noticed your sincerity, gleaming from the distance of my recent prehistory.

My stories is been shared with you abruptly, unnoticed by my dimmed cognitive.

As I would like to illustrate you, my hearts shook with intensity.

Situated far underneath the rubble, shreds of black ore shimmered without attention.

Formed from various decomposition of human insanity, yet remained within the crowd of undiscovered integrity.

As far as others see it, the black ore is ignored for its outer identity,

Shunned from a bunch of precious artifacts dug out from the crude soil, undermined truth known as popularity,

Over the time endured, the value of the black mineral unnoticed grows enormously than those thats shoveled out in the moment of dire & dominating greed.

Your identity is like the black ore, may remains not furbished until the end of time.

Could the miners discover something as true & genuine as the black ore’s worth, remain undiscovered from the masses amidst humbly has the highest value of them all?

It’s what I equalize your presence, a gift from above that’s hard to recognize initially,

During the time that you appeared from out of nowhere, the strategic moment it symbolizes.

It’s of utmost value rather than those others, shining brightly among its kind but the value lessens as time progressed.

Back when we known each other, we were as filial & crude as the rocks from the underground.

Our values are significantly distinguished from our own types, but we always remain under the slumber of crowd spotlight.

We known each other day after day, as when true friends value only emerge when our emotions go underway.

Although we’re strangers by then, slowly we build the courage to diminish our inner awkwardness.

Still concealed from the mountains of rough sand known as human perception, you always been the guidance for me to shed my shell.

Congruence of people perception, clashes of inner emotion, crises of unperceptive opinions;

We judged it with our untarnished remaining pure sanity, distinguishing the facts from the fiction.

I was weak without any guidance, but you dared me out of my illusion & conscience.

With your unpolished value of confidence, you guided me out of convergence.

As I started to lead my own way of trust for myself, you laid static in the side await the moment where you would appear when I needed trust for support.

That’s how I judged you as a black ore that’s unpolished, anonymous albeit with the purest value & identity.

Your inner beauty that attract & stuns, whenever you slowly but forcefully allowed yourself to gleam among the crowd.

Progressing time, unraveled your blissful smile full of charisma and sincerity.

When the right goldsmith sort and assimilate you from the bunch of emeralds, rubies & amethyst that buyers earlier deem precious, your value comes to light.

As I would put you, your existence is similar to a diamond disguised as black ore in the dust.

Your inner beauty, outer identity, and firm integrity,

Become focused under the spotlight, shone mighty & highly within the authority.

I’m glad that with you around, the world becomes a place filled with wondrous mystery,

Always looking for something to form within your presence, because I know it won’t be a calamity,

You are a diamond, rough from the earlier hours, forming your value & identity alone without coming into contact with others’ path of righteousness,

Forming the mould of precise humanity, where the diamond value within you gleams strongly. 

<2.16 a.m., Saturday August 11^th 2013.>

 

So wherever she is, she managed to land the special spot in my feeling.  A dear friend.

 

Journey in Penang...& Practical

9^th July 2013.  My new journey started.  A tour toward nurturing adolescents in the school.  Well, it’s a path that we must go the moment we enrolled into this institution.  The strange thing is, why did they make it compulsory for us to attend internship if we are only focused on teaching?  If anyone’s smart enough to realize it in my course, they might somehow try to fill up their knowledge with outer information by now.  It’s holiday, so I’m spilling the beans again.

The day when I left my hometown, I wondered if I made the accurate decision to return home in a mere less than 3 weeks period.  When my mom claimed that she wanted to divorce during my final semester 6 exam, that’s when my conscience made me purchase the flight ticket.  I’ve seen the day to come, where all my siblings agreed to it.  The man’s causing her too much pain.  But during my 20 day stint at home, I’ve seen mom smiling & cheerful expression after I acted as a joker.  Telling her my experience, sharing about perspective of our broken household in a humorous way.  That period, I was her protector.  My mom told me that he’s intimidated with my presence.  I know.  Somehow he won’t had it in mind that the very same Farid that’s unorganized & been scolded upon every day before school could become so proficient in languages, talking so maturely.  Mom even bought me a new Xperia L to replace my problematic Xperia Mini Pro that I gave to my brother.  But as I await for the divorce call, it didn’t happen.  But at least, I made mom happy.  That’s what matters.  The divorce would come soon, I acknowledge it.  The notion just required the presence of all 4 of us siblings to make it happen.

As I returned to Peninsula, mom send me that day.  Heart sobbing expression indeed.  When I wanted to take a memory picture with her, she refused.  Maybe some of us didn’t want to be weakened to the core when we see stuff that reminds us of what we care about.  I reached Tanjung Malim and stayed there for a night before I continue to Penang.  The democracy I met there.  Mentioning an incident with my course mate, I met 1 of them during my purchase of train ticket.  He told me that there’s another who would also depart the very same night.  At the counter, he told me he’s also buying the ticket for the pal who would left with us.  His name is A***, our older senior.  He told me he’s short in cash department that time, so I offered to pay up for the cause.  When we left that night, we were almost late due to their last-minute packing.  I almost went berserk & panic.  However everything just went to a pass.  A pal of mine, housemate of his, took us to the train station.  Okay, they gave him 5 bucks as a sign of appreciation.  I gave 10.  And he just took it.  The experience just went by when we took the train.  When I reached Bukit Mertajam, I’m still waiting for A*** to pay up.  Although he said 3 times that he would, he never did.  Hrm, them.  I’ll just view this action as probably a treat for them.

I’m staying with my pal Arvin in Penang.  He’s the one who sort of “saved” me that day, when my course mates create a ruckus over signing the school registration form.  The few that told me they’ll took me in, they were invisible to me that day.  I only saw them after it ends, when they came by and said, “Minta maaf Farid, saya dah ambik sekolah yang dekat dengan rumah.  Dah penuh.  Sorry ye tak dapat ikut janji kita”.  I mean, that’s the incident that made me feel that my course mates are people that couldn’t be trusted.  Even if they proclaim they’re saints & their popularity is greater than ours.  I vow to disappear when I return in semester 8, no need for me to aid these people anymore.  Independent is good.  I’ve stray away from my story a bit, he he.  I kind of doubt my stay with Arvin, as I’m afraid that I’m more of a burden than good.  During the first few days of me arriving here, I could see that he attempted to be a good host by taking me to visit his town; the shopping outlets, residential areas, roads, & etc.  He even rejected my offer of paying monthly rent, however just asking me to pay for the fuel ride to school.  He’s nice, I think.  Eventually few days passed.  His parents first treat me with hospitality.  The father is well, different from the mother.  He’s very gentle in speech, not  harsh or anything.  His mother, she always speaks in Hokkien.  His father is the first who greeted me & took me on tour around my school compound, SMK TASEK.  However nowadays I just notice that they sort of losing that “warmth” element.  Sometimes when Arvin’s not around, I could hear his mother talking about me.  Saying how I only stayed static in the room or chatted to them.  I presume that they thought I’m shy as I’m not a full-fledged Chinese, & still been dominated by my Malay trait.  So nowadays I just stay in the room.  But here on out, Arvin took me less for outing.  I don’t know the reason.  Maybe, I need to be patient to endure this remaining 3 months.

For my school, it’s been a huge culture shock for them to accept me.  Mostly because my slanted-Chinese complexion.  I remembered the first day I’m in, we had an assembly.  I was been pushed to sit in the same row as the Principal.  Wow, I was dead nervous.  Imagine that thousands of eyeballs just stare at you, blank & motionless.  The dire moment came when the PK1 said, “Encik Farid bin Morsidi, dari UPSI.  Sila perkenalkan diri awak kepada seisi sekolah.”  I tried to act cool, and my dialogue was, “Asalamualaikum.  Saya Farid bin Morsidi dan berasal dari Sarawak.  Saya dapat bertutur dalam 7 bahasa, kecuali bahasa Tamil.”  The students clapped like, crazy!!!  Since that day, students that I encountered always inquired, “Cikgu Cina masuk Islam ka? Muka Cikgu macam Cina ooo...”  Maybe that’s among the reason why **na rejected me, perhaps.  The nice thing is that there’s 2 Indian teachers who’re so friendly with me ever since Day 1.  They are my neighbor.  .  Madam Raymala & Jaycintha.  Both of them are teaching English, while Mdm. Jaycintha in teaching Chemistry as addition.  Mdm. Raymala always chatted with me about the school, & it’s funny stuff.  These are the twos that always chat with me in English, where I thought "Aah, finally."  The PK’s are always in a cliché, so are the Science & IT teachers.  From there I sort of know the school’s administration.  The other teachers sort of greet-and-hi with me often, but we don’t know each other much.  

I was given 5 classes to guard; Form 4 Science for History while 2 Form 1 & Form 2 classes each for Computer Literacy.  For the Form 4 & Form 1 classes, they sort of acknowledged my teaching styles already.  I shared everything with them, even including my love history.  Names of the people involved are not left out (sic.).  I sort of blended in with them.  The most awful is for my 2^nd Former classes.  They’re the most rascal, deviant batch in the school.  I wonder why I was given them to control.  Why?  Question mark.  I need to claim that I’ll hack their Facebook account should they ever open it, & I got the power to shut off all the networks via my maiden computer.  Yeah, I sort of bluffed. J I can’t control them much.  However there are a few of these students who’re trying to make their class to cooperate with me, even often silencing their friends who’re truant for me.  There’s 1 class who I always got relief into, my Form 1 Gigih.  Although they are sort of uncontrollable, but they know how to behave at the appropriate time.  I think that it’s just probably their nature of growing up.  We can’t ask them to keep silent to the extent that they’re mute to socialize with their surroundings.  Whenever I came in, they always gather around like a swarm of bees, saying “Cikgu, kami nak cerita!!!”  Owh, I thought.  I told them my life stories, how I claimed my dad “passed away”, my shred of Chinese culture, my sixth-sense abilities, & my short-love experience.  I was touched that day when I told them about **na.  One of them said, “Cikgu lempang je dia.  Jangan bagi muka.  Macam tu dia buli cikgu.”  I felt that people heard what I’m trying to convey wrongly.  She did nothing wrong, it’s her nature that caused me to be much hated.  I concede to that.  But, these classes might just make up my day of living in this school.

From my experience in Penang, slowly & faintly I manage to understand a bit of myself.  I’m not that shy, just that my painful childhood history shielded my courage to socialize fully with people.  I’m not that voice-conserved individual, it’s just that my voice is deprived after less conversating with people.  I’m not that less topic to chat with, just that I enjoy silence.  I could be super-friendly, but to those that I’ve known enough.  I’m willing to sacrifice without regretting, just for the sake of the people who need it the most.  I dislike people who always show off what they have, whilst they thought others don’t.  I’m very particular in my actions, it’s because I don’t want anything to go wrong.  I like to help those that I love, but I don’t want them to betray my trust.  I get annoyed hard, but once I did it would be painful difficult for me to forgive.  So with the upcoming Raya where I won’t get the luxury of savouring it with my family like others who often return like RM800 bucks is like Double A paper & bragging about it, I hope that my 4 months here doing practical would be a smooth one.  Be it a good sacrifice for me to endure living in people’s homeland, but it’ll be a proud exclamation for me to say, “Yeah, I lived here before. ...”, “I’ve experienced Raya without a family” when my graduation comes next year.  

 Kudos.