A Hand to Hold, But with Nothing to Withold......

Remember in the last entry that I composed a poem?  Yup, it’s to relay my heartache towards her.  It’s not without consequences and drama that I’ve been left out a battered person, be it internally or physically.  There’s a lot that I want to say, but the hectic schedule these few days had left me dumbfounded, bearing the pain that I wanted to express so much within myself.  So after passing out my minor assignments (as usual I’m doing the most work up until 5 a.m. 2 days ago), it felt so much relieved.  Without realizing, it’s been 2 months since I’m sleeping constantly at 3 a.m..  However as I walked around trying to regain my composure from so much emotional strain, I found that myself is constantly disillusioning within the realms of my subconscious.  What I’m going to mention here, it’s based on true account and without a doubt, my own recent experience.

Approximately 2 weeks ago, we had some sort of unofficial semester break.  It’s a continuation from the previous 1, where my university ridiculously extended the only 2 day vacation period to a week.  After constantly escaping from my home to my pal Syamsul’s house to finish some tasks with my IT hunks, they’ve nicely invited me to a trip with them: a trip to Penang.  I thought hard about it, since my expenses are quite limited by comparison, but finally I agreed to follow that motor convoy there.  Even had an intention, hoping to meet my ***a back in her hometown which’s located just in the vicinity of the Pearl of the Orient.  My hopes are held high, but soon enough I thought that the idea of going straight to her home would just be a ridiculous 1 to get me snagged by her household.  So, I told my pal to defer the intention.  We went for a stroll which if with my family & my housemates, would be a quite impossible feat to accomplish.  That very night after I posted about my whereabouts on her Facebook wall, she messaged me via FB.  The tone seems to discuss about something.  Assignments perhaps, so I told her to postpone her intention until I return to Tanjung Malim.  Little that I know, that’ll be the event that snapped my soul from the very core.

When I return from the very butt-sore, 6 hour bike-riding on the 15^th of November, my heart kind of feeling relieved.  My very 1^st outing in the Peninsula region.  When I’m trying to recover from my tiredness that night, she suddenly messaged me again.  This time the tone’s mixed with a batter of absurdity & seriousness.  I really didn’t know what she’s trying to express that time, as she’s beating around the bush or sort.  Not my fault for being slow in catching up. J After a scurry of Q&A sessions, we eventually came to a conclusion: she inquired me about the intentions that I had all this while, giving her key chains, watch, chocolates, & being the nicest guy ever to her.  I TRIED to escape the subject, but something came out of me that night that made me dare to confess my true feelings to her.  And so I did, telling her, “I love you a bit, satisfy?”  The answer after that, is an infinity of sickness to me.  She yelled out the holy verses “Allahuakbar”, while saying that she already foreseen it coming all this while.  She gently rejected me, without even so of a reasoning.  I was really dumbfounded in that virtual chat space.  She said that she appreciates me as a man, for everything nice that I did for her, but she only sees us as ordinary friends.  Not more, not less.  She didn’t even give me a concrete reasoning for her excuses.  I was only able to recap what happened in that conversational space a few days after, telling myself that what happened is maybe just a simmer intention by God to test His underlings.  But, my reality further shattered after that.  I thought that I could accept it well, but my heart weeps & my temperament turns into somewhat like a zombie. 

Hearts Unwavered, Silent Souls Sobbed with Gloomy Tears

(credit to http://syigimsharif.blogspot.com/2011/01/sad.html)

Beneath the fireplace that burns brightly throughout the dim night, the ashes of despair drifted along the flow of evening breeze,

Against the soil pavement that stilts firmly on the ground, the man weeps with his faith,

When everything that couldn’t be subjugated to is lost, he endlessly suffer under the stagnant flow of time,

The breeze came to a grinding halt, however emotions wavered like tornadoes sweeping through the leaf on the cold forest floor,

The fruit on the trees doesn’t seem getting ripen anytime soon, or so it should struck yellow on the moment where all hopes is gone,

As the split second when one realizes that they’re happy, they lost everything.

Concurrently emotions tick like a tense cable waiting to snap, the soulless carcass carries on the desire to live,

Exactly where it thought that it’s undertaken swiftly by the community, the painful truth silently emerges,

Mirrored by the blue lake of tranquility, the man only sees a shred of what’s been forsaken from him,

With the surface reflects nothing, the urge to depart the carcass enveloped the soul within,

The endearing smile slowly fades away, as concrete materialization of ether reality abstracts the inner perception.

With estranged destination in mind, the man crawls his handicapped foot to the direction of absolute uncertainty,

Coherently shovels the ground with his bare foot filled with scars, he bravely marched through the blistering heat of undermining discrimination,

Targeting against the brown ashes that colours entrail the sky, the child endlessly suffer beneath the stagnant flow of time,

The bitter fruit doesn’t seem getting ripen, as the moment one realizes they’re happy is the moment that they lost everything.

With 1 destination in mind, the blue lake surfaced reflects nothing urging the souls to depart from his unrealistic realm.

The freezing wind blows through the dawn primrose, shivering souls that passes through the vicinity,

When the one that he loves rejected his sense of reconciliation, the reality shatters like fingers dipping into the tranquil lake surface,

Echoes of disappointment dispersed his inner perception, encompasses the actual indulgence of his ever first love-on-sight,

Hearts are rent asunder, silent screams filled the lung cavity within the sane mind,

The shocking knife slits through the skin of vivacity, sensation of pain slowly emerged into his calm temperament,

The desire of love no longer remains, as the echoing voice of his endearment disappears forever.

With faith as his middle man, his soul entrails the very pavement that shatters each time a step is landed,

Signifying the dissolving of hope and sanctity, disappointment that he shoulders with each step he took,

Slowly abeit jolting sense of shocking judgment stilts his conscious, the rose that decorates the porch he’s passing is wilting,

As far as it seems, time needs to perform reconciliation and resonates the compassion that he questions within himself,

Due to the fact of his fading preferential judgment, he withstands the pain via experience and guilt alone,

But still, the man laughs while sobs within the darkness of night.

p/s: After I confessed my love to her, she REJECTED me. It finally happened.  Would discourse it in the next entry. :'(

A Friendly Reminder...

      This time, I'll speak less & more to the point. See below. :-)

See? This time I won't talk much.  Just look at  the image.  I did it on purpose...as they say, a picture worth a thousand words isn't it?

p/s: next entry would have more than 50 words...:-)