So, it’s
Sunday, June 17th, year 2012.
About 28 hours passed (prior typing time) since my final exam for
semester 4 concludes. It actually ends
better than last time, where I got caught in an accident that caused my Dean’s
List. So it seems. It’s the end of semester again, so it means 1
thing…my “season finale review”. This
time, the review is going to be mixed with mature and premature feelings, every
experience that I’ve been constantly sparred in this semester alone. There’s actually a lot that I’ve been endured
through as well, but as I said every semester, each 1 is eventually growing
tougher that the previous, but fortunately I’m growing alongside the
difficulties as well. So, here it goes.
From the
social aspects, I’m gladly declaring that after 4 semester dropped its veil, I
finally being able to blend in with my peeps.
Not that well actually, where I’m being the mouth-to-mouth topic that
fills almost every class that I attend, be it minor (History) or major (IT). My reputation soared greatly over the
periods, something that I felt both at ease and endangered. At ease is, people finally being treating me
as their kind, no alienation whatsoever. Now I can go anywhere, with at least 1
or 2 people that I know would be around.
I mean, this place IS that timid & “spacious”. The adverse part is, well, people being
taking advantages of my humidity for themselves. This is the part that I would be giving
emphasize on. Citing 1 of my university paper,
Student Management (in BM it’s Pengurusan Pelajaran/ 2P), the group is
literally idle without my support. I
mean, it’s almost like me who’s performing everything. Editing, even for my component I did 8 out of
20 pages, not including where I cover my group mate parts. It’s as if when I instructed them, they didn’t
see me as a leader, but only as a person who would maintain their project. They throw everything at me, then rest easy.
I’m used to this man-eat-man scenario, where I’m the “rice”. That sucks.
In the other projects, I’m doing quite well with my group, where they
would do as they’re told, even performing better. I’m glad of it. At least I got some news to be proud of. So, for example, my Systems Administration course
where we learn Linux-computing. We learn
hacking, those sort of stuff. Systems
Analysis & Design, we learn about systems management. The lecturer didn’t teach us the practicals,
so we spent this semester digging through PHP, HTML, & database designing
manuals. My groupmates are performing an excellent work delegation, where
wverone’s doing what they did best. So,
I’m gladly declaring that I’m finally earning something from this course that once
thought being daunting and tiring: the pleasing breeze when you complete the
project without people’s aid, all via your own effort. Another social aspect that I experienced is
being a tutor to countless people, but in the end I’m glad with that doing
although it kills my own time and resting hours.
From
my personal experiences this semester, I’ve slowly losing the pain that’s been
grasping my noggin over the years. I’ve sort of achieve goal number 2 from my 9
main resolutions specially devised for this semester alone, that is being “CALLING
LESS HOME”. Not that I’m being nasty,
but just want to relinquish the feeling when every time I called home to
receive bad news. I got a life too. Don’t want to kill my youth just to sacrifice
everything, so “it” would ruin it on purpose.
Some news include that the “it” is currently working to earn cash. Sounds like it’s for us? Think again. He’s doing it so he could relish his
position, divorce my mom, and marry a new 1.
I mean, even toddlers won’t eat that excuse. He’s just performing escapism again. Who would ever marry a 62 year old fag like
him? But, it’s sort of relieving my mind,
as it means that less crying for my mom.
So it seems for now… One thing
that I’m happy about myself is that I’m greatly increased my filial duties to
God. As I know that I’m inexperienced
spiritually, I need to replenish the times that I’ve lost in that chaotic
family. I pray every day, reading “Bismillah”
in every task that I’m about to accomplish, and sort of attempting to limit my
pointless behaviours. I mean, some of it
works, but I’m still trying hard. Just
want to spread my doings to my little brother, so that he would be guided
towards the right path where “it” never did to nurture us since we’re
young. I pray that I would eventually
able to manage my filial duties to Him well, as to prepare myself for future
relations. To be honest, there’s
actually another reason behind my change in hearts. Which I would mention further…
From
every heart break, leaves bud anew. My
poem that I composed earlier (browse below in the entries). I finally found someone that I endear so
much. These 4 ending weeks alone had
been spent to know her better, and I BELIEVE she’s the 1. About 5 previous entries I have mentioned
about her. It begins earlier this
semester. When I didn’t see her presence
in class, I felt sort of disappointed.
No one to express my affection to.
By then, I realize that I do have mutual attachment to her. As I finally saw her in 1 of my classes, the
fireworks lit out once again. The belief
that I hold so hardly to in 20 years of my living, that I would never fell in
love with my own kind is brought down without a hassle. After the hand phone purchase extravaganza (in
the previous entry), my liking towards her deepens like heaven. By coincidence (or so it seems…) she would invite
me out every week, 4 in a row (1st is the hp buying spree, 2nd
being database project aid, 3rd being walking her to the train
station, & the 4th being during last week to accompany her looking
for her pal’s house, just in the vicinity of mine). Eventually I spotted the pattern behind
this. Is this being a sign that she accepts
my affection towards her? Hearing her
life stories kind of encouraged my tiny self to care about her more. She’s from a family of 6 siblings, where she’s
in the tailing line. The 5 previous
siblings are all brothers.
She mentioned
that she’s the only one who’s studying in tertiary education, where her siblings
gave up upon. She now lives with her
mom. I was kind of wondering why she
never mentioned about her dad, as I’m digging her info further. I’m curious that she might had a paternal
relationship like mine. She’s quite
harsh from her appearance, something
that may be her brother’s harassment towards her growing years that had
brought upon. Finally, what I digged for
from her FB page last night as I missed her presence online quite shocked me
down to the point that I’m crying in tears.
Her father had passed away. I’m
still clenched with confusion, wondering how she could maintain firm, taking
care of her 60-year old mother while still remaining as socially harsh &
humid. While I’m constantly sulking
about my failure. I respect her courage
to being within her own stand alone. I
felt her departure yesterday. Sort of
feeling down not because of the earlier exam that I had, but because of the
fact that she left me a departing message online. That’s just against her stand of posting
messages acknowledged by her friends. We
just had a quarrel about that stuff 3 days ago after she gave me a Doraemon
doll, where she constantly apologized about her rejection to my stand of
publicize our matters. I sent her a
tender apology message that she gladly accepted. Then on the same day, I saw her expression in
the exam hall, after I opened the door for her & her companions. She’s grinning sweetly with something on her
mind. From yesterday, I swear that
should she’s my perfect 1, I would be her father’s replacement, and give her all
my attention, 2x the efforts from what I give her this semester alone. I fell in love with her deeply. Although she might seem coarse from the
typical Malay girls who’s feigning hospitality & social expressions, what I
hold dear about her is by the fact that although she talks & acts harsh
with her friends’ presence, her attitude with me changes immediately into
shyness & the usual actions a soft girl could had. That’s beautiful to me. This time, I decided that I would care for
her as she would need it, be there when she needs the most. Our affections may had started as good
friends as she’s started to opening up to me, but I wish that it would nurture
further, albeit slower.
From the other
aspects, I admit that I’m maturing slowly, but according to phases that I foreseen. Learned martial arts this semester (to be
used for you-know-what purposes in Sarawak), cooking (something that my “colour”
being looking forward to: I would improve my culinary skills for her, hehe),
and etc. Being sleeping at 5 a.m. constantly
this semester due to those IT projects where an art-die-memorizing courses
would be sure to pass out to had really taken the toll on my brain, where I
constantly feeling exhaustion and sleeping without notice. So, as of today (I still got about 9 days
before I leave Tanjung Malim), I vowed to rest completely before I return home
to deal with those pertaining matters.
So, that’s about my semester 4 review.
Being less emotionally stressful as I’ve finally discover the aid to my
heart injuries. So, I hope that
everything will goes well for the next 1, be it in the relationships, family,
financial (for this, it’ll never being better, haha), socials, or my
studies. Pray that I would excel in this
exam, or not in the next one as I’ve been working hard like crazy (not working
smart). And so, I bid semester 4 in UPSI
farewell…(but I’m still stuck here man, it sucks~ :-p)
Below are some
of the pictorials that I’m putting for my own pleasing…
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| This is during the HP purchase...:-D |
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| Mentioned previously, this is our sweet 1st disagreement/consolation session...:-p |
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| My most productive group this semester... |
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| Hint 1: She gave it, hehe,..to boost my deprived soul. |
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| Hint 2: Last Thursday, I'm quite shocked to get her distress call. Who knows, she's grinning while giving me this, while I'm shivering with nervousness that second...:-D |
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| My group discussion before exams approaches 2 weeks ago...with among my best pals this semester.:-) |
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| Got it from a fan. See? I'm popular after all...:-p |
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| She's sweet, to share my problems and treating me neutrally...among the sweetest gal around in our faculty. And intelligent too...:-) |
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