My Life Longing Spirit is Significantly Draining......

"I didn't think I had the focus to study anymore."      

      That's the first word that I mentioned to my mom today during a phone call session.  I really had it.  Not because I don't have favours towards study, but there's jamming entries of constraining complications that needs to be resolved before i could really pour all out and compete efficiently with others.  My spirit towards study seems to be diminished after I departed from home, prior finishing the semester 3's break.  After my failure in 1 of the major subjects that I've constantly being placing my efforts in, everything doesn't seem to be going my way.  Added with the fact that my mom's going to court this 1st March, I don't think I really had the gas to propel forward.   

      Actually, finance is my main worries when I reached here.  I had longing for a handphone replacement ever since early semester 3, and my beloved 4 1/2 year old Nokia 3250 had finally claimed its own life.  Many choices had been on my array of candidates, but to the reality, it's just another effort by my subconscious to repel me from my family's poverty.  After I checked for the study loan that had been rumored to be already in circulation since last Friday this afternoon, my heart sank to the lowest level.  RM2110.11 is the amount that appeared on the ATM machine.  It couldn't possibly be enough for me, as everything that I performs need to be based on my own expenses, not from external sources.  So, how the hell am I going to pay for house rent, internet bills, expenses, books, printing, and those sort of things? It wasn't even close to the RM3200 that I estimated to be spent this semester alone.  Among the few of items that I had heavily desired to accomplish using the study loan includes:

1.  Samsung Galaxy Y (RM499.00)

2. New glasses (<=RM150.00)

3. House Rent (RM113.00 x 4 + RM50.00)

4. Books + Printing (<=RM200.00)

5. Expenses (RM1300.00)

6.  Flight Ticket (<=RM500.00)

      So, do the math.  I almost cried with the revolution, that I fell asleep while counting my finance this afternoon, something that never occurred before.  It gives me sleepless nights.   So, how am I going to cope with this condition? I'm still trying to come to my senses.  Sincerely, I had lost the will to study.  People said that should we mention something verbally, it may eventually become true.  Or by all means, I've lost my will to live.  Never been in my life that I had to endure something so harsh, where not many people surrounding me will ever had their tongue to sip on that very taste of misery.  I mean, no matter how poor people is, they will still be able to afford their children to study right? That's the initial purpose of every existing parents in this realm, to provide the best for their offspring.  But, I feel like everything hasn't gone along my conceptions yet.  I'm having a misery of a life, don't even mention my mother and brother who's residing at home.  During my pre departure from Sibu last Friday, my aunt is the one who's willing to send me to the airport.  Misery, as I've never been sent by my own parents to the airport before, not even during my admission to the tertiary institution.  Along the journey, I'd voiced out my dissatisfaction towards that very creature that makes up my last name.  My  aunt is the authority of my mother's side, as she's the eldest.  I never chat so much like that ever to neither my relatives.  I told her everything as it's my only opportunity to confess something like that.  She agrees to my every word, mentioning about the useless state that the creature had caused our family to be in the state that we're in.  She claimed that even her husband, who's retired but rich, would acquire a side job to earn extra mileage in living.  So how come that creature that's typically mentally and physically able, lives to ruin our life?

      To everyone's attention, there's a few time that I attempted suicide.  That's something that should not be mentioned publicly, but that's what really happened.  So, I'm finding myself to experiencing difficulties to carve a smile on my face.  Really, lost my will to live.  Can't go on anymore.  I've tried so hard in everything, but nothing seems to come to avail.  Why the hell is this occurring to myself? Please don't have the perception that I'm badmouthing an innocent soul of that creature, because everyone around my family, even my neighbour would want to tear "it" apart.  This public diary doesn't seem to achieve its target anymore, which is to express my dissatisfied feelings.  Perhaps I'll cease to update it anymore, as my soul is helpless to even share my misery with others.  I couldn't smile anymore, thinking of my bleak future.  Is it really worth it to come to this foreign soil to obtain knowledge?  Or should I stop my study and return home to suffer with my family?  My sister, even she's too selfish to admit our poverty.  Should I've been given an opportunity as hers and pursue my highest recognition, but in turn travel, spend, and forgets the dear people that's suffering to the brink of cease to exist, would I ever did it? Did she ever give it a thought? My "brother", he's been living in KL, continuing and postponing his studies just so that he could remain a transsexual where he is recognized.  These people only live for themselves, but never deep inside to even consider our dying souls.  I'm feeling like I'm carrying the thoughts of 5 people.

      So, how am I planning to divide the 2100 bucks, that's clearly not sufficient enough to sustain my life here? I'll even be stuck here this semester end.  How am I supposed to carve a smile in my face towards the people surrounding me, where I had typically lost the will to live? How am I supposed to focus on my studies, with all this revolution going on without my presence? Lost my composure to focus on my life.  After this, I may even walk into a pole without realizing the pain to my head.  That's the level of my feint sense towards my environment now.  I'm sick of expressing my misery towards a white plane...