(2 February 2011)Today, I discovered something really annoyed
me to the core. Not today,
actually. What that I am going to share
is themed up for today’s entry. Sadly,
this post couldn’t be inserted in real-time, as I currently stuck in
prehistoric era. Well, go figure. My entry today generally revolves around
another occurrence that happened in my Casa Bonita.
Recently, my toilet light always goes into oblivion. Like it’s got a crazy timer to be damaged or
lit on of some sort. So, like what I
said previously, my return home is always been occupied to repair stuff like
this. Well, I don’t mind as I’m using
the facility myself. However, I started
to notice something amiss when the light that I repaired began to be damaged
again, like it is being tampered. This
few days straight, I’ve spent countless hours trying to recover my house’s
comfort facility. My suspicion however
turns reality, when the lights once again become damaged yesterday night. I was so frustrated that I dragged the huge
rubbish bin (we got 1 free for every house in our neighborhood), and inspected
the light structure in the brink of darkness.
We have been bathing, “business”-ing lately, basking under moonlight. The shock came after that. The light really HAD BEEN DAMAGED ON
PURPOSE. I know directly who’s behind
this heinous crime. I was so pissed,
that I didn’t notice what I’m doing after that, seriously. Taking midnight snacks, staring into blank
space, etc. My last few days had been
spent in this sort of manner. With the
PHD guy’s departure last Tuesday, my casa once again reverts into its horrible
state. Everything that had been done up
until recently is just an effort to suck up to her, to please her every
presence in this good-for-nothing funny farm.
I somehow noticed the varied treatment that my “paternal relation” and
my “mom” (I’m doubting the authenticity of their relation to me now) gave to
her, me, nor my little brother. It’s so
sad to be isolated like a piece of sneeze tissue, when everything should be
treated in equality. The most pity thing
is my little brother, where he’s constantly living by himself. Without my presence, he’ll stuck as lonely as
he is. We share a lot of common quality,
he’s no different than me. In fact, he’s
almost my clone.
What that I’m trying to imply as unjustly treatment is in the
sort of different, biased treatment; basically how they act. I can see through their actions. I returned 4 days earlier that their precious
jewel. In the 4 days of my arrival, I
haven’t eating anything nice. After she
returned, they cooked a FEAST for her. I
can see that very well. That didn’t
raise my eyebrows though. I could eat
anything. The darn part is how they’re discriminating
me and my bro’s presence. We always get
to eat their scraps, eating last after the 3 of them took their dinner. Furthermore, she never mentioned my arrival
home to anyone. The case differs with
her daughter. Even the bastard goes
around boasting about “it’s” daughter’s arrival. This gets up my nerves very well. Finally, I read their expressions, and their
intentions. They never respect whatever
I did, no matter how good it is. I speak
English, they respect my counterpart more.
Both of us open our PCs, I’m doing IT stuff (Photoshop-ing, programming,
designing), she plays FB. They respect
her routines more than mine. Number 1, I
don’t have connections nor broadband (my hacking effort failed as the software
that I perceive to be completely been downloaded before I reach home is
incomplete). Number 2, I couldn’t watch
anything except my hard disc’s content.
The TV’s off limits as usual, after 9 p.m. then I’m allowed to watch. With her presence, it’s 2.30 a.m., then it’s
free time. 10 minutes of stupid box,
then I’m napping. Feels like it’s not my
holiday… Everything that she does, they will just hold it in their highest
regards. I really feel isolated and
uncompromised. Now I’m trying to relive
my previous paths, discovering in each and every possible means ever should I
had even done any mistakes that caused me to be treated like a complete
outsider.
The situation worsens after the UPSI demonstration. Everyone here basically generates
misconception about my tertiary institution.
During my visitation to my uncle’s house last week, he inquired about my
participation in the rally, whether I’m that daring to go against the
government. He asked me in front of the
people’s present, even in front of the PHD.
I defended my beloved IT lab’s base operation’s main location, however
proved futile. People just turned away
during my explanation as always.
Perhaps, my voicing power isn’t as excellent as those debaters. Which make me reconsider my very own
existence. Is there actually anyone that
appreciates my presence, even after I’ve achieved a pinnacle (university) while
only a few of my relatives did it? (most of them are rich, so they will just
pursue private colleges and stop schooling after Form 5) It’s really a tough piece of spit that I keep
on regurgitate in my mouth, and the aftertaste is not very appealing. Actually, only after I return home this
month, this time, I managed to divulge my family’s perception towards me. That’s why whenever I’m proclaiming myself
hardworking and tired during my schooling days in Perak, it seems that
curiosity is the main voice tone at the end of the phone. I’m started to pity myself, besides
reconsidering my very existence. The
very essence of my presence is as well a hoax one, as I’m just illustrating my
abilities to some community that never even acknowledge my inheritance. Why did people do it? I wonder.
Every time I return home, they will claim that I’m the child that always
returns home, whilst I’m only here once every semester break. I said it a lot, and I will say it
again. I’m home as I’m out of options
and to see my brother, not because to experience the déjà vu of not eating
together, being isolated and mutinied of my very existence to the very core.
What happened to this family?
I’m deeply disappointed with its hierarchical systems. Everything collapsed with the absence of a
concrete, trustworthy leader and coordinator.
I’ve tried to uphold this task, but to no avail. So, I finally claiming that I’m DONE with
this psychological warfare and be done with whatever incidents that might occurs
after my departure after this. I’m
bewitched to the center of my feelings, trying to reconcile every single shreds
of my conscience and my dignity that I’ve previously loaned to this, despicable
“people” that proclaimed they’re my flesh and blood. If I’m graduating, my brother (both of them)
is the only souls in the world that I would mention should I ever achieve the
highest recognition of study. I’m deeply
having a despair thought with this scums.
May God punish them for keep repeatedly breaking my heart into a million
pieces these very 8 years of my growth into the adult world. I hate that man, with every essence of his
existence. Our relatives look down on
our presence with him tainting our reputation, causing us countless
difficulties in our effort to rescue him from his fruitless efforts to make his
life a useful one. With my every return,
I hated him more. Last night with my
discovery of the light’s faulty, I managed to pry open my brother’s keep
secret. My mom ordered him to restrict
the info from me. There’s an incident
last CNY holiday that I didn’t return home to.
The light burst into those sparks that you could generally see on
wrestling shows. , literally. So, the
story goes like this.
Last CNY, I couldn’t make it home to save money. University just re-opened its semester
actually, so I felt that it is irrelevant to return home after just 4 weeks
living outside, after all I’m living on my study loans. Couldn’t afford to purchase that very, single
flight ticket. So, I just stay there,
alone in the entire blocks. My brother told
me that the very same light that I’m currently fixing is damaged prior 4 days
before CNY. As my family still maintains
a little of the Chinese tradition left, so we strictly follows the taboos that
shouldn’t be done before the Reunion night.
The light is left unfixed until right after the fireworks is released in
the evening, indicating the presence of the New Year. Then the stupid bastard pry open the light,
fixing it in the darkness. I managed to
drill my brother into answering my inquiries, only after then he poured it all
out to my acknowledgement. The bastard
actually feigned that he fixed it, tricking them into turning on the
light. Then when they turned it on as
instructed, the light burst with all its might, leaving a spark from the
socket. Fortunately the flame spark
didn’t injure anyone in the vicinity, however the luck for the entire year as
we believe it turn into turmoil, the worst that we had endured previously. We borrowed heavily last year, save until we
couldn’t save anymore (from the eating aspect, there’s once that we didn’t eat
anything for dinner.) That’s the worst
turn of our lives. The bastard actually
knows that we’re superstitious about these stuffs, everything in
particular. He did it on purpose to
enrage us. These superstitious stuff,
even if you tell yourself to refute its credibility, is still a norm of the
nature and will occur when it’s possible.
Those 4 months I’m spending at home enraged me whenever I even glance at
that guy, every time he passes me. See,
even without my presence, I could read my peep’s movements just by observing
their actions and their complexions.
After this, I’m really hanging out my duties. I’m focusing solely on my social life in TM,
wanted to enjoy every single moment that is flavorful, that I couldn’t possibly
experience in S.I.B.U. (Stupid, Imbecile, Brotherhood Unverse). It’s my last time that I’m experiencing the
blurred complexion of the people that refuse to put my existence into their
noggin’ and be gone with it. I’m tired
emotionally, not physically. How come
others could enjoy their youths with less worry, acknowledging that they’re not
tough enough to face their future? While
I’m dumbfounded, disrespected in every major aspects possible, didn’t possess a
driver’s license, no experience in love, heavily tainted at heart, and
constantly being looked down upon? I
wonder should my prayers to God have been heard, as none of it actually even came
close to become a reality. I’m treated
exactly like when I’m in high school.
These stupid, imbecile communities.
Not all of it, but, a component or fraction of its formation that must
be shunned. Like that’ll ever happen. Disappointed as always, I’m looking forward
to return to Peninsula and making less return home trip after this. I mean it.
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