dARKER tHan bLACK: Life Files

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Finally, I get to update my diary again after a month's hiatus. There's a lot going on these 1 month, no less happiness and despair combined altogether. This particular sharing, I would like to express some of my personal feelings that I've been unable to release upon others. Some are good, some are, well...

   First of all, I will release...My Inner disagreement!!! With particularly, SOMEone... Friends, what are they really represent? My housemates, they may be considered friends, but not close ones. When they leave me with silence or looking down on me, I know it. Get it man, I'm hypersensitive. I can decipher your every facial expression or intentions. So, suck it if you're smiling and I get what you want to express. My housemates, maybe we're not of the same course or sort, but we seems to be in a distance away even though we may seems close. It scars me quite a few cm inside, literally. They did everything without my concern. Add the oil, they sort of...let's just say in a vastly different culture than mine. Of course. Maybe it's because they know a lot about my troubles and family affairs, they seems to just look after me and far away from than being an average friend. We just talk a few, then silence. It's different than between them. My bad mouth. I'm too soft that I'm not enclosing my life carcasses well that it seems quite obvious. My family quarrels, financial constraints, everything. I reveal everything to them. Now, I can see that you can't trust anyone other than your accurate judgment. Buy this, buy that. Now, I seems like a sucker in a boxing ring...

   Friends in UPSI. How to say it? Well, some of them are fit to the purpose, but some of them more acting like a parasite. Forgive me for the harsh words. Let's depict an example. A girl that I know (name disclosed for privacy) is probably among the weird personality I had encountered so far (apart from the people aforementioned above.) We met, we laugh, I borrow my assignment to her, I taught her anything I know. Then, it's silence. I mean it. Silence. When we met, if we're locking eye-to-eye during our encounter in campus, she will...squish her hair and looked away. I get it. It's not the first of it anyway. This campus, everyone seems to donned a mask of disguise, if they really express themselves, they won't be accepted by the community. I mean, you are ignoring your coursemate like that. I get it. I'm not that interesting anyway. I f you want to know me, you will get close. After you did, you will ignore me 'cause I'M BORING AND UNINTERESTING. People here are so much of a fluke. I mean almost 80% of them. A few of them are really acting like they are, I can see that. While others, just buying a Pierre Cardin tuxedo, attending a prom which they know they aren't fitting in if they're in their actual state. This is just an example of the few corrupted community, where people like me seems drowned to the bottom level of the sea, compressed with the atmosphere of atrocious torments from the society and even my own family.

   Enough of it. But I'm not done yet. God damned those souls. Fortunately I'm not like them, still remain my composure although being ridiculed and misjudged. The happy part. Perhaps the sad part. My search for a soul companion may had come to a halt. Honestly, I thought I could befriend some new companions (hope it's a girl, truly said), but the efforts proved futile. So far, only a junior seems open up to me, and she hails from my state. I'm thankful for that. Every female and male seems to be heavily matured and independent in this compound, they don't need any guidance. So, my "binocular view" hasn't been working out. Maybe it was the "cheap lens"...I opt for Nikon instead. But it'll be quite some time before I I could realize my dream. Enough personification, haha...Later on, people will stop subscribing to this page, or even view it...(I don't know why I kept on putting the signature 3 dots at the end of each snetence I typed, even of FB...)

   Apart from the disaster that I'm having (from my mom's borrowing of half of my study money, I don't know how to live after this) and...the catastrophy befalling my families, there's some apples in it. For example, the Interaction Day (AURA which stands for Akademik Unggul Raih Anugerah) of the juniors for my course last Sunday. I'm quite exhilirated for this event, where I my be able to break my "ice" and get close to people, both my friends and the juniors. The effort doesn't seem too successful and achieving its summit, but it's ok for the time being. I learn to be stern while being playful at the same time. The best, the group that I coordinated along with my two female pals turn out champion. That's a great news for them, and to myself. My binoculars don't work in this event, however, as I 'm not that photogenic in almost all the pics taken...And the people I want to know so much turns out to be like the others. Cannot get to them. So, plans aborted.

   I don't want to share too much of my shattered state of mind (it might turn out like the people mentioned above), but who's viewing this blog anyway, with all the comments and stuff? Just for pleasure, I'm sharing a few of the sweet pics I've taken this 1 month time period.