It’s 21st
of January 2015. I’ve been a research
assistant for 3 months, also becoming a Master degree student next month,
February the 17th. Returning
to the root of my university, serving my lecturer a.k.a. deputy dean as a
part-time programmer. I remember the
night when I returned after convocation, when she messaged to inform me of the
matter. My mom shrugged with disbelief
that I’ve recalled to serve my lecturer.
At the beginning, my course is noble: to assist her to complete a
student’s leftover Master degree project.
After 3 months developing a management information system for her,
slowly I noticed how a “pass-over” degree student could be ostracized in his
own university. Everything seems new,
but it’s not. Realize that the part-time
job bounded my life when I had to come to a quiet lecturers’ office on every
weekends just for the sake of researching jQuery & Javascript. “Deadline,
deadline!!!” It made me rethink of
the values of us freelance workers. Dang,
even the salary always came in 1 month late.
But it’s what ended my 2014. A
lot of story waits to be told, but I felt like synthesizing it rather than
blabbering sluggishly to my own proportion.
Also in
this year, I’ve reached the age of 24. It’s
my final year in university as an IT student.
The first half of the year is typically an emotional turmoil for
me. Those months that passed, became my
initial training as a programmer.
Getting used to the new programming languages, things that I’ve never
learn before. Only exposed to
fundamentals of programming languages such as HTML, PHP, and chunks of Javascript,
I’ve “gladly” grasped the base of
Java for the sake of my final year project.
It’s not because of the language that I learnt may had probably placed
myself in a bit of advantageous position over others, however it’s from the nurturing
of how to live my life as a university student, performing self research on
topics that prior I expect I would’ve never achieved. Should I maintain my mindset like others,
comfort in a region for themselves I would’ve never understood how a
programmer’s mind revolves. All the
logical reasoning, I can’t believe that I’ve practiced them in my actual
life. I used to be a person that’s
hypersensitive with other’s actions. However
something made me ignore the irrationality performed by mere individuals and
decipher matter in a perspective more objective & precise. I didn’t get to be easily offended by people
discriminating me as a mix blood anymore.
Yeah, I can speak 8 languages. I
never ostracize myself anymore, compared to before. It’s like I’ve stepped into a new
boundary. People who’re close to me
would’ve noticed.
That’s an example of human
compassion, where I saw majority of them lacking. There’s been various things that I’m fond of,
be there’s that I’m against. Best friends, you learn who they really
are when they miss you even if you lose sight with them for 48 hours. So-so
friends, you encounter them in 2 weeks & they would’ve reminiscing about
your absence from their daily norm. Accomplices, you know them. That’s it.
No bonds forged whatsoever, probably acknowledgement of particular
traits that distinguishes you from their crowd.
I could probably judge what’s called friend now, after 6 years of social
training. I’ve lost bond with 2 of the
girls, once being so close to my well being.
That quote is correct, “How do we
become so distant with others, whilst being so close before?” Rules apply.
Aah, I admit that I used to
have ulterior motives towards them.
However, it got diminished as soon as it’s ignited. Probably, the candle isn’t illuminating
enough. Now, I’ve totally lost contact
with them. Did I regret my decision?
It’s for the sake of the masses.
Finally, I didn’t get comfortable with the individuals that I deemed
precious to me. Haha, life lessons learn,
barely. Eventually, all men would’ve
learn the burden of being friend-zoned.
Trust me, it’s unpleasant.
Living
as we are, sometimes we need to accept the rationalization of a particular
matter. It’s not because it flows with
our norm, nor we reject its reasoning.
We could fall in love, & delve into a valley of choice. Whether we’ll plunge into the streams of
tranquility, or suffer to revise what we foolishly chosen based on our
beliefs. Either way, the road is rocky
with both selections. Friends, we could begin awkwardly from
the starting point that we didn’t acknowledge each others' presence, until the
extent that we could forge a relationship as close as siblings. Nor the otherwise, where we started so intimately
that we never loses tail of one another, until the extent where we never
contact each other for 6 months and still feel ok without the opposite’s
interaction in life. I mean, that’s what
made life interesting.
The strings of
event could unfold according to how well we accept something that occurs in the
cycle of reasoning that revolves physically or mentally. It’s almost impossible if the wheel turns
upwards all the time, whilst the bottom remained intact to the ground. The wheel wouldn’t have possibly moved. From all the strings of account, like where
the girl that I’ve crush on been pregnant with another person, tangled in a
conflict of nothing with my sole “girl-friend”, there’s a lot going on inside
that made me mature as a person. I
didn’t just learn to be “nice” in others’ perspective, however remained on the
logical side of interpreting a matter globally.
Pros & cons included. You rip a paper, tape it and it became
square again. You could rip the edges
that’s didn’t been taped before, the paper returns to its rigid state. But it’s never reverting back to its original
state anymore. It became tougher than
before, but it’s just not the same.
I graduated
in 2014. Working part-time, & will
try to obtain my Masters in Internet Computing in a few years time. Possibly, try to reach a pinnacle of
relationship that I’ve tried so hard to comprehend. Don’t allow yourself to be manipulated,
stimulated, or even regulated (I pun on
words in my head, haha). Maybe I’m
growing too old inside. Well, who knows. Deep in my mind, I really pray that 2015
would become a stepping stone to achieve my dreams. Working, still sniffing the air of Tanjung
Malim, reviewing all others’ actions to endow it into my psychological chapter
of human growth. Who knows, something
good might come out of it. Be an awesome
programmer, dude. Come out of the shell.
Judgement could be detrimental. Relieve any ill feelings that may treat you exponential. Treat your own life with full confidential. Believe anything that’s possible with full integrity. Lastly, concur to judgments that may guide ourselves towards comprehending and perceiving a reality worth taken. – Black Contractor [2015-01-21]
