dARKER tHan bLACK: Life Files: Semester 5, A Beginning That's Been Looping for The 2 Years

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Semester 5, A Beginning That's Been Looping for The 2 Years

It’s been that time of the year again. Everything seems revolve along the same pole, over and over again. The pain or excitement of indulging over the same steps to start another academic semester is excruciating. Not like it’s desired or anything. But, just feel so stale with everything’s going on within my conscious. Even the journey back on the 5^th September (it’s earlier than the supposed date of returning, as I’m involved in a camp organized by the university) seems daunting, as the usual scene where arrogant Sibu-ian with their smartphone and acting of high degree, not comparable to their intellects crowded the airport. The plane ride, well, not that amusing. When I look at them, they always sneer back. One difference that separates me with them is: I’m on my journey to obtain education, while they’re spending their fortune for trips that they could proudly show off to their brethrens later on. I’m relieved that I’m not in the same mould as them, as I’m a lone warrior Li Sheng-sun a.k.a. BK201, the timid guy that people couldn’t assume the actual emotions lingering inside. The night I arrived at my residence is shrouded with darkness, as our electricity bills are cut off. So, I spent the next evening sleepless, constantly raising my torch for any unknown “intruders” that I could sense, mosquitoes & those “stuff”. Enough chatting about my journey from home by the way, it’s hilarious to me……

As for the last semester, I managed to obtain the position that I truly coveted deeply for the time span that I’m studying here: the Dean’s list. The vision of the computer monitor when I checked the examination result in the cyber café made me screamed in delight, even ignoring the presence of the on goers there. It’s what I truly wanted all along. Remember a previous entry where I listed down 9 matters that I want to achieve? Proudly I could proclaim that I manage to achieve those, even the number 9 item that seems clearly far away from my grasp: obtaining results higher than 3.50. And I did. Probably there are a lot of outside factors that contribute to this, and I’m truly grateful to God for it. Never expect that in the peak of loneliness by living alone in this big room, I could obtain what that I wanted all along. However, after returning this time, my noggin is still blurred in convulsion about what I want to achieve this semester. Probably will had it sorted out soon enough. After the improvements in my life not just in the university’s hectic scheduling alone, but also my household, it’s time to set my full concentration to my goal. Seriously say this time. Along the 2 months that I’m staying free from all outside communications (except sometimes when I texted her for encouragement in her participation on university competitions), I’m quite idle at home. Witnessed how that guy avoid my presence, not muttering a single word with me from the day I got back up until where I departed for airport, it made me quite daunted although I didn’t care about it that much. With everyone’s homecoming during the festive celebrations, my household had turned into an actual family that I rarely witnessed before. My mom keeps on spending, & spending beyond her limits because she’s glad with the peace & tranquility of the compound (with about 80% of her debt problems resolved, she’s at a much more release spot now), my sister actually avoided the presence of that man after finally acknowledging his true nature all this time, my brother’s return after 2 years, it’s actually feeling a little less tense there. Actually I’m awaiting my sister’s response to my action of adding her on Facebook, but as usual to no avail. She’s still as damp as a rock’s moss, arrogant and anything. But by her decision of shunning that man who never provided his necessity to our family, it made me relieved of my tension all this time.

Talking about the university, my involvement in the camping actually brings out respect from the people surrounding me. All the usual stuff that they’re highly curious about, such as my living nature, action etc where they’re deeply in doubt had been lessen a bit. Starting to feel that my “invisibility” stance had been slowly acknowledged. People know that I’m the less talkative type now, not shy or anything. With the involvement of these activities, I hope that I could eventually improve the weak curls within this vessel. However, there’s something that we couldn’t perceive for the time being, that is the revolution of the future. About my love life, I deeply wonder if the relationship could go further with her maintaining her neutral stance to every effort that I made to make her acknowledge my essence of emotion to her. It’s a very hard effort to continue on, however it’s these emotions that propel me through my hardship last semester. She seems……unmoved. Forgive me for my “cloudy” sentences, as I didn’t wish people to guess what I’m trying to convey directly as they read these article. As my previous entry before the 4^th semester concluded had been “pry open ” by some of my course mate, even the hewey-dewey verbs that I use, “be there when she needs the most”. Now I doubt about the authenticity of my expression. Should she maintain her neutral stance, is it worth it to keep on this “horse chasing effort”? Or should I end it before the pain of losing love engulf myself, where the sensation hasn’t been able to step on the mat of my doorway-my heart? It’s an open question that I will answer in the end of this semester I hope.

With the start of the fifth semester, I deeply wish that I could improve myself as much, shredding the image that I’m the same weakling that everyone didn’t acknowledge much all the time I’m in Sibu. New life must unveil, so it seems. With this entry, I officially announcing the new battle’s commencement. Battle march~ set!!!

Some pics from my recent camping trip