Probably The Most Happiest Day I Ever Lived To Taste

                Seriously, I think it’s been nearly 3 weeks since my last entry update.  Seriously (another 1), this semester is by FAR the worst.  I’ve been sleeping at 5 a.m. a few streaks already.  But never mind that.  This entry is by far my most happy experience ever.  It happened last Saturday, where my martial arts class finally concludes for this semester.  As I’m so hectic, I’m still scratched to etch down what occurred that made me remain smiling when I think about it, until this very day when 1 week already passed.  I’ll browse through it in chronology, so you will understand my point of grinning…

               During the early semester, my heart itches to buy a new handphone, which I know would be a very impossible feat.  Been eyeing on the cheapest Android, Samsung Galaxy Y (which’s included in my budget in the previous entries), but I know it won’t happen with my condition.  However, a miracle occurred 2 weeks ago, with my mom nourishing my financial supply, enabling me to finally own my own dream device.  It was indeed, the most happy Mother’s Day of my life  (although I’m not a mother, LOL).  So, I’ve surveyed the town despite my classes ended late after 5 p.m.  I don’t mind to walk there, haha.  And after carefully considering my budget, I finally decided to reside on a Sony Ericsson XPERIA Mini pro.  Got “Pro” at the back, which made it a worthwhile owning.  The next thing that I did maybe IS the most DARING accomplishment that I ever made in social interaction: asking my crush on a date.  To purchase the phone with me, haha.  I’ve aforementioned about her, my “colour”.  Look down below the entries.  That very night, I dared myself to click on the green orb beside her name, pops out the chat menu & indirectly, guts included, inquired about her free time.  In my “bluffing” effort to approach her, I told her about my pre-planned Android shopping spree.  Like I can’t believe it, she immediately agreed!!!  Wow!!!  It was the very 1^st date in my life!!!  And so, my heart holds on the gritting to purchase the phone early, just to await for the upcoming Saturday.  The day finally landed its hours upon my routine, where I attended the usual martial arts class from 2 to 4 p.m.  

                This blissful event happened on the 19^th of May, 2012.  That day, I awaited her texts, doubting whether she would reject my preposition in the end.  She previously asked to bring a companion along (which I highly hope she didn’t do it, need some precious time alone with her, haha), but in the end it really beats my heart at a vigorous rate just to see whether that revolution will occur.  Right before my class ended, she texted me about my whereabouts.  I read it with awe feeling, wondering whether I could handle my very first “date” right at this day where everything happens.  So, after she interchanged a few texts with me about her current business, I volunteered to wait for her outside campus after my prayer session, asking her to pray first before we proceed to town.  Waited for her in an hour perhaps, but it’s worth it.  Not long after 5.10 p.m., while I’m reading a book, a sudden perfume scent breezed through my nostrils, accompanied by a black shadow sitting right beside me.  It’s her, smiling like she didn’t normally do (well, it’s more of grinning…) with a nod of gesture, accompanied by a “Hi” greeting.  Man, I really didn’t know why, but my lips curved a huge grin all of a sudden, chills in my heart, nervousness tingles behind my spine.  I greeted her back, and waited with her for the shuttle bus to town.  During that period, it’s raining dizzily, and there’s no sign of the transport coming even after I awaited for an hour.  So, I inquired about her willingness to walk to town (its more romantic, I admit I’m playful that day), which she declined politely.  Then, she asked me whether I’m willing to hitch a cab ride (which I worried, as my wallet leaves 14 bucks after paying for the taekwon-do fees earlier).  However, I followed her suggestion.  

As we walked to the cab, there’s people staring at us, jealously perhaps.  She’s showing signs  of empowerment as she leads the walk.  Wow, if she’s my destined soul mate, would she do just the same?  As we rode the cab, I could sense that the both of us are nervous in this first outing together, with both sides remain absolutely silent throughout the journey.  However, the awkward trip ended in 5 minutes.  Thank God, hehe.  I opened the door and held the umbrella for her as it rains heavily outside.  We DID look just like couples that time.  Then I asked to go to the bank, which she agreed upon.  Only after I returned from the bank, we started to open up upon each other.  There, sparks flied.  I never feel so swayed and happy being together with a stranger besides my family.  We headed into a mobile phone store where I immediately asked from the owner the desired phone.  Shockingly, he thought I’m a Chinese (not shockingly, haha…as expected) when I inquired about the phone.  He gave me a pricing of RM500, with a free 8GB memory card included.  That’s a hefty 100 bucks discount from the original pricing, I tell you.  I laughed contentedly within my conscious, grateful that I saved nearly 200 bucks from the intended budget.  The store helper ignored her presence, however asking me whether we’d come in together.  The next thing that he asked nearly shakes me with laughter: “Are you couples?  She’s a different race than you…” Her eyes lightened up as the question is asked, as if she understood the situation.  I DENIED it (however in my heart, I wish we are…).  As the shop owner took out the phone and prepared the necessary installations, she asked me about the situation.  I explained to her, and she laughed with a groan in the back.  I mean, that’s what I absolutely adored about her: no fake attitude nor acting, just pure heart.  Although she’s harsh ( a lot of people commented about it), she’s a kind-hearted person that would never ignore a birthday present to someone even if it already passed.  I accompanied her to purchase gifts to her pals (my course mate of course, although it rained heavily).  After I  purchased the phone, I allowed her to glance & touch it, thus making her the first to do so.  She’s glad about it, could see well from her complexion.

She didn’t usually smile that much when she’s socializing, I think.  But the grin etched on her face when I ran slowly while holding umbrella for her under the drizzle shows that she’s not covering everything negative about herself, just genuine feelings.  After we bought the gifts, I invited her to KFC (that’s the ONLY classy place in this sleepy town…), which she reluctantly agreed.  There, I treated her to what she favoured, trying to take a picture of her with my new hp.  She shielded her face, haha…as expected.  So I failed something that day while accomplished another…We eat while chatting about her origins (I’m trying to dig some info to know her closer, duh…), but we were caught red-handed by 1 of our pals.  Well…it’s ok anyway. (By now, the news already spread about my date with her; we can never believe a woman’s mouth…).  After that, we went back to campus. She declined to take a cab, so we walked across the railway flyover across the campus which is quiet as a ghost town during the weekends.  The walk home was amazingly romantic.  We exchanged jokes, laughs, and facts about ourselves that we previously didn’t know, even after passing the area where it’s rumored to be “haunted”.  The happiness ended when we reach the main portal.  I gestured goodbye to her, while she also did the same while thanking me for treating her.  Thanks to my mom, I managed to earn 2 happiness that day: a new handphone, and an opportunity to know my love closer.  

 After this incident, I always grin alone, wherever I am.  If I got a chance to snap a pic with her, that would make my head explode absolutely.  So, now you say about how I feel about her? You decide.  My feelings about her fluctuates, shoots down, then rose again.  It’s a weird feeling actually.  She already asked me for a second 1.  So, does it mean that she finally acknowledged my love towards her? Then again, you decide.  This love-fool can’t adjust a proper opinion about his own feelings, after being scratched mentally for 8 years.  Hope this person would bring a new dawn across his heavily dented heart…J

So here it is, something that makes up my day a little, not much but somehow pleasing.:-D

Happy Mother's Day, Doriati Abdullah. My Mom.

So today I realized it’s the second week of May, which means…Mothers Day. Not my fault should I noticed it late, as this 2 particular days had been spent with countless efforts to patch up my group’s unorganized duties.  Not meaning of self-empowerment, but it is an occurrence I often expressed in disgrace on the social network, where no one gives a damn.  People who manipulates and slobbers around, how are they qualified for university entrance? Very frustrated, but this entry is not about those nonsense.  It’s about the person who constantly being shrouded in conflicts, my beloved figure called MOM.  As it’s Mother’s Day, I had sent her a message prior (admit, I thought it falls on last Friday, so I mentioned it early) at 4.58 a.m., after my suffering ends.  Today, she constantly called me from early morning, so I thought something’s amiss. But today, she colours up my so-tangled up reality.  This entry is about an experience that I had during my 6^th former year, back to 3 years ago.  So, reminder: THIS STORY IS AUTHENTIC, NO FALLACIES.  

During those days of me in Form 6, I’m always shrouded in dilemma, as I’ve literally lost will to continue those harsh mornings where I got yelled, and kicked for just preparing to school.  It’s an experience I don’t want to remember, as it’s the bastard’s deed that shapes up my other side of darkness.  So, I often experience migraine during those days as I’m adjusting my timetables to the WORST adjustment studying people may encounter.  People’s wee hours became my active timings, where I usually sleeps at 10.30/11.00 p.m., then wakes up again at 3 a.m. to do work.  I find that those hours are the most tranquilizing, as the utter silence enables me to focus on my tasks better than when humans linger around.  My migraine worsens as my family constantly (I used a lot of “constantly” this time, notice?) quarrels like hell.  Believe me, like I mentioned earlier if other teenagers experience it before me, they’ll be long time vanished from this world.  So, I’m absent a LOT from school, missing those Economy classes that I failed to catch up until the end.  People always wonder why my absentee becomes a consistent variable.  Furthermore, teachers had started to treat me differently, like I’m some sort of retarded adolescent.  Well, I can take it.  This happens after the PLKN incident, so I’m used to when people try to call me an oblivious idiot of society.  There’s a few accounts where my best pal (her name is Wong Kin Yap, we get along SUPER WELL during those STPM study weeks) informed me about the happenings in my class during my absence.  Teachers acknowledging my family conflicts, even my so-called “best pals” (it’s the top scorers in my class, don’t want to mention their initials, however we’re still bonding now and not that intimate as before) called me a “SENILE RETARD OF SHYNESS”.  I mean, if they acted like that during my presence, I’ll give them a beating, ignoring their genders.  It’s passed by my own self already, lived on these 3 years.

So, the incident happened during 1 of my family quarrels, on a Sunday.  I was so tensed by the commotion that I nearly fainted.  My mother just allowed me to lay on the couch (it was 10.30 p.m., on a Sunday) and asked me to be patient.  I almost blow my brain nerve that time, literally.  The second day after that, I found myself deprived of mental efficiencies to even attend school.  So, I once again being ABSENT from the thorny compound they called “Safe House”.  I laid on bed, unnoticed that my body is burning with fever.  My situation worsens until my mom eventually returned from school, about to attend to her second occupation: the tuition centre.  My mom asked the bastard should he acknowledge that my situation worsened.  And you know what did he say? “He’s lying to you, he did that so he could lay in bed whole day.  Useless…”.  I almost awoken in anger, as the MAN is the beast that’s shrugging my mental perception every day.  My mom gave me some medicine, besides instructed me to lay in bed until I feel better.  My condition got better that night, however not the migraine.  Right about 11 p.m. that day, my fever burned to the extent that I clamped under 2 thick bed sheets to escape the coldness of humidity that’s 28 degrees.  Imagine that.  My mom worried and asked the bastard to take some of his medicine (which she believe would be more potent as it’s an adult portion).  When he did fetched them, my mother fed them to me right away.  Actually, he fed me his HEART ATTACK MEDICINE.  I checked the bottle and, not surprised.  That night, I feel like dying I tell you.  Like my life’s going to end at that particular spot.  Listening to my own weakening breath, shivering below 3 pillows, shielded below 2 blankets, I haven’t found a soul mate yet.  I don’t want to die young, not knowing what caused my suffering.  So I prayed silently to God, having mercy of all my sins in all my livings, even towards that animal. 

A few days after my weakening state, my mother shouldered me to the clinic, accompanied by that guy who pretends that his work is everything, telling us to finish the appointment in 15 minutes as he needs to rush for work.  He’s loitering there, I noticed that a long time ago.  If else, how does he need to  inquire me to type all his tasks, those Excel & Word tasks that an officer should be savvy in performing?  We went to our usual family clinic, where the doctor from my perspective is quite unreliable (because every medicine that he gave me in the past doesn’t suit its purpose), perform the routine…bla bla bla. You know the usual clinic medical ethics.  As the check-up finished and I got to engulf some 7 medicines (just like when I checked at our university’s clinic 2 weeks ago), my mother shouldered my weak and wobbly body to a chair, where she herself stands by the bustling crowd.  I really admire her courage to take a leave that day (she’s a teacher, I mentioned it before).  She NEVER took it even though she’s heavily sick, as she had a perfect attendance record in school.  I feel so sorry with the situation.  You know what the bastard, who disappeared from our sight did while we’re gone? Chatting with some stranger “it” met at the roadside.  I, almost fainted and blacked out, struggled to rise from the chair to allow my mom to have a seat.  I know she’s tired, taking care of me (feeding me, walking me, monitoring my health progress during those wee hours) but still courageously stood like her own stern self that propels her through what she’s in today.  Then, the bastard came slowly, asking should we go eat breakfast as he’s empty.  My mom shrugged, directing him to send us straight home.  Then, what pissed me to the boiling point is what he said after:”I’m hungry, I don’t give a damn about you people.”.  What despicable God’s creation he is.

Precisely 2 weeks after that, I forced myself back to school, as I thought that my weakened state would only leave my mom strained with overload works.  I pushed myself, even though I couldn’t focus in most of the lessons.  I’m busy answering “press conference” about the factors behind my 2-week absence.  Well, I’m “popular” prior my entrance to UPSI.  Can’t wait until the 12.45 p.m. bell rang.  It finally did.  So, I walked slowly, crutch by my own figure, slanting to the wall’s side while empowering myself to the school gate.  Then, I saw that bastard already awaiting for me there.  Must be my mom who’d sent him to fetch me.  As I exited the school compound, he effortlessly snatched my bag pack, holding it from the back, tilting it upwards like he’s helping a handicapped child.  Everyone’s glaring that time.  He continuously performed that funny act all the way until we reached his car.   By that time, we already invited quite some crowd.  My face turned red tomato in the spot.  I f you don’t want to help, why act care? Why feign kindness?  I tossed the thoughts aside as I can’t wait to reach home.  When we eventually overcame the 10-minute peak hour traffic, I was relieved to stepping into the ceramic floor that is my home.  You know what did that guy did? Throw my bag to the ground, while running to the kitchen, filling himself in less than 5 minutes.  Is he that hungry? Even up until now, when I’m having semester break, he’s still doing the same like he’s working at 3 construction site of some sort.  Could anyone be THAT HUNGRY? My mother, like expected, stared at his commotion while kindly attending to my wobbly state.  I mean, at that moment I realized that nobody’s that dedicated to attend to your well-being, like Mom did.

So up until now, whenever I saw my mother being ordered around into performing idiotic decisions pertaining that guy, while suffering and crying every single night, praying at the bedside before we resides to sleep, I feel miserable as her children.  Except my salary, helping her with house chores & school tasks, I never give her anything special.  So, I pledge that my convocation is the best gift I could think of (sounds dramatic, but it’s TRUE).  For this entry, I regret that I MISJUDGED YOUR DECISIONS.  You are just trying to protect the fate of this corrupted family.  So, as the most eldest I presume (my elder sis’s PHD won’t guarantee that she’ll be our house’s supporting pillar, and my brother, well, he’s quite a bit lost in his reality) to my little brother’s side, I will try to lift this burden from your shoulder no matter what it takes.  Mom, you are my precious 1.:-)

HAPPY..............................................

 MOTHER’S.......................................

DAY............................................

                TO...........................................

                                ALL......................................

                                                READERS........................

     

Diminished Flame, Rekindled

Previous sparks of ashes on the core, thought it'd been diminished,

As the wind sways by and rekindles its sensation of heat,

The tiny motion of incandescent, enlightened once again,

Burning through the campfire site where it once resided,

As the silent night enlarges its span of composure, curtaining the environment with its veil of shadow.

The decision is firm, as the fire is being blazed off, 

When once thought it had been concluded, lightens once again,

The warmth of uneasiness would once again simmers through the night,

The smell, notion of excitement, and ignition degree of scorching warmth,

Repeats itself in the same location, preparing to repeat whatever it does before.

Whether the scenario is humid, or filled with tense,

The flame will slowly be burnt according to the nature order,

Focusing on its duties, maintaining its occupation until it eventually reaches its finite ending,

Where everything that it could combustion being reduced to ashes,

As it particles fade into the air, dusting with the flow of the night breeze.

The emotion that once thought being abandoned, reemerges in an untimely manner,

Where everything is unexpected, occurring within its own phase of revolution,

The tiny shred of emotion once thought being rent asunder, multiplies like mushrooms after rain,

Budding once again through the core, filling the voids of sorrow while manufacturing another,

Giving away a tinge of freshness, as comparable to a newborn cycle.

Feelings are a fragile commotion of expression by a sane mind,

Only functions precisely when our conscious is applied evenly, solving inner conflicts,

Thoughts that won't disappear, shines a somber colour of lust,

Being showered in excitement from the emotion, as one waking up from the dream,

Which vanishes as easily as the tiny dews of mirage, envisioned but unable to be grasped.

The uncontrollable cycle of emotion, blistering our sense of rationality,

As the fire from the ashes blazes slowly into intense light, once again encompasses the darkness with voids of hope,

When it's the sensation of endowment, overpowering the presence of disillusionment that remains its dominance currently,

Conflicts sure to arise, giving everything that one thought could grasp in control a once-again lost reasoning,

Up to one, maintaining the accurate judgment while clutching on the sanity of emotion. 

                                                      

<lonewarrior>

 Farid, 6.48 p.m., Friday 4th May 2012.

p/s: My feelings towards the girl had started to re-emerge.  I once thought I had forgotten her details of endearment to me, however no matter how strong the wall of your will is, it shatters with the right knock.  And her smile in attending to me, while avoiding her friends perception that she's close with myself is the combination of tools that had precisely drilled open an iron barrier that I set up. How emotionally daunting while I'm facing interpersonal conflicts...hope it's for the good this time.  How would I like to tell her that I...