I have officially studied for 4
years in university, for the Information Technology field. So far among the programming language that I
had in my arsenal included HTML, XHTML, XML, PHP, C++, Javascript, & some
JAVA included. Although I hadn’t
mastered 100% of its technical usage, I could say that with every essence of
programming language, you need time & effort to endow yourself with its
flow in order to be proficient. That’s
computer language. For human language, I
had learned a few in my 24 years of living: Malay, English, Iban, Cantonese,
Foochow, Mandarin, Hokkien, & some primitive Sarawak language. As people exclaimed, I’m the type of person “between the gates”. Every language without a doubt required time
to master. However, 1 language that
still existed within the domain of uncertainty is LOVE.
How to proclaim it: I haven’t
been involved in the conflicts of quarrels & incompetency between couples
as I’m still in search for the perfect one.
Let time decide, I say. My family’s
improper upbringing might be the reason I felt I suddenly need to speed
everything up. Quarrel because of
clashes in ideologies is what often occur in my family of mixed culture
proportions. Thus bringing up 4 children,
each with their own specialties in this world.
It probably leads us to spread our wings further, to deploy our nets
into the depths of ocean that no one might dare to wander towards. Be it from the Malay or Chinese nature, each
of our siblings prone to nurture towards a side. Like me, I’m at the middle. I always doubt, whether the journey for me to
look for a perfect match made in heaven should pick race dominant over
another. I must admit, I kind of
attached to races other than Malays.
Probably after I’m raised in a society where the existence of Malays are
distinguishable by hand or closer still, abacus. I often filled my vision with sensitivities
before judging a decision, be it from Malay or Chinese’s perspective. My field of description might be wider than
others, but it’s also my own downfall.
Love. Sarang. 爱
. From my point of view, love is
definitely something to be shared with those that you’re fond of. You could love your family, brethrens,
friends, or put it simple, the person that you felt comfortable with. In this case, opposite sex. You probably won’t even realize that you’ve
fallen in love. You love something
because of motivation to acknowledge its existence. You love a person because you felt that their
compatibility traits with you are like nuts & bolts. You might love something because the urge to
make it better. In this case, love is with
motives.
A pure feeling such as love came
with a great price. You can’t play
around with people who’re in love deeply.
Like what Naruto said, “When you
have the urge to protect someone due to love, that’s what made you stronger.” Once that barrier is lifted, you would do
anything for the things that you love.
This brings into question: what happens when the love in unrequited, or should
the love succeed? Like for my case, I
could say that within this period I’ve fallen in love with few people that I
perceived, a perfect companion. They
could act dopey with me, become serious all of a sudden, or sharing the same
traits that I felt suitable with my passive being. However, that’s when I always over step the
region that’s forbidden. If I’m with
people, their first impression is that I’m a cold & shy individual. I won’t greet people who I just recognized,
however as time ensues they’ll discover that I had my own corky & gentle
demeanour. I like that approach of
getting to know new people, because vie there you could perceive a person’s
intention & sincerity in becoming friends with you.
However, the ladder that I often
slipped on is my nature of being too courteous.
I could treat people’s priority higher over mine, so far as to going
that extra mile to ensure that a smile would’ve been carved on their face. To this few people that I deem worth to be
loved more than as ordinary friends, I can’t claim the magnitude of times that
they made me laughed hysterically or cried in distress. So far, there are only 3 people who succeeded
in making a gentle soul like me cried hysterically, even though I’m a
male. The feeling’s worst that after
watching those melodramas, it crawls with me every day in my life. Citing the most recent account where a person
cried whilst having conversation with me made me review my obligation to serve
the people that I love right.
During
that moment, it made me think that I had the responsibility to care for them
the most, even might be at the cost of my own life to see them happy. Previously I had lost a few people that I
love in my life that made me avoid any circumstances to see them occur
again. However, this strength that I
build up is the two-pronged sword that stabbed me again & again these
couple of months. Can’t say how much I’m
hurt by the same person that I perceive gentle in nature, suddenly become an
unforgiving emotion assassin that I was stunned with. The feeling is just like when you’re living
in a huge bungalow alone, where John the Ripper could come & pounce up to
you the second you blink your eyes.
Slowly I lost trust in people, be it caring for them with compassion or
the sensation of ever falling in love ever again. How hard people come into your life &
reside at the comfortable domain in your head, then manage to leave swiftly
without any trails that ever indicate their existence in your life. It’s a shocking incident that crawls with my
life here, as the person’s existence is still as solid as concrete.
Back to the points earlier of a
person to not toy around with the pure feeling such as love. I have known a few individuals that I deem as
filled with love, albeit just for a short while. It felt different getting to know them, where
they didn’t show those indications of insincerity in their friendship with
me. Dare to mention their names, such as
Mastura, Dayah, Mimi, & Kim. I mean,
just looking at their face made me felt like getting along with them the whole
day without a slight sensation of awkwardness.
Filled with bright atmosphere, lively smiles, & hearty
conversations, those are the people that I judge were the actual definitions of
people filled with love. Seeing them
made me happy, no matter how somber my previous mood was. As compared to the person that I deem I love
as a friend, whose face expression concealed a thousand question within my mind
& shrouded in mystery where I didn’t understand a damn of what they’re
thinking, it’s least painful when you’re friends with bright people. It’s not mocking your love for them, it
constructs the foundation of care better & undoubtly, sturdier. It made me review the perceptions of falling
in love properly, how I should provide better love for those that deserved
it. Not by acting like Santa Claus &
just dumping the love until the extent that it scarred myself in the progress.
So after this, I vowed with all
my heart that I won’t slant to the wrong side again. Be it a more detailed & thorough journey
of identifying what is LOVE, not by simply barging into a mistaken identity
that I perceive wondrous & blissful that I poured all out & left a man
with nothing at the end of the day. Like
I mentioned earlier, I’m a man who failed in love thrice. I was too naïve
to proclaim that a comfortable sensation could be determined as love. You could love your friend, care for your
family, & share the feeling of getting acquainted with a person that you
deem deserving. In the end, it all comes
to whatever that you see could make your life meaningful. You could cheat yourself of loving someone
& be comfortable with them to the extent that you ended up with scars, or
with some presumption of happy-go-lucky people that would contribute that pinch
of emotion just to see you end up happy in your life. It’s one way or another.
“Even though you
know there are other, wiser ways to live, you feel that if you turn your back
on everything you've worked toward, it's like admitting you lived a lie. I've
had moments like that.”
– Psycho Pass, episode 19
