(11 July 2012) The clock now points at 11.38 p.m..
It’s been precisely 2 weeks since I touch landed my homeland. This homecoming is not being an event that
I’m looking forward to, but more of a necessity to perform. There’s literally nothing in this sleepy town
anyway. When I reach the airport, my
mind had been jammed with various thoughts that had been buzzing since I reach
LCCT. I mean, there’s a lot going on in
this idiot box of mine; be it relationship, financial, or even still, my life
forward. Seeing my pal being fetched by
his family that’s willing to travel 3 hours by land, not counting the time they
need to reverse the route makes me feel helpless, as I’m the constant cab
hitcher in my home. Never need to rely
on my folks to attend to my arrival, but it’s a tough pill to swallow to see
others’ doing well with their brethren.
As I reached home, there’s 2 people who’s attending
me: that’s right, minus that guy of course.
It’s not a welcoming one, as I heard from my “best pal” a day after that
about my mother’s cursing to me who didn’t reach home precise at 10 p.m. as
devised earlier. It’s not my fault that
the plane got delayed twice, man.
However, I didn’t take it too seriously, as it’s what that I’ve been
constantly enduring this semester alone: patience. My tiredness + hungry self pushed me to feed
even a gulp scoop of rice that night, accompanied by my little bro for about 10
minutes, awed by my new mobile phone.
It’s my nostalgic artifact this semester, haha. However, my mind still brushed by the
revelation about what lies ahead this dormant weeks ahead. Job hunt already in plan, of course. Right at that night, my “colour” inquired
about my well being, something that I’ve been looking forward and awaited all
day stint. Excited up the roof, singing
is what I did as I unpack while attending her text messages. However, everything forward is like a dim
candle illuminating weakly within a black-out confinement. I did as I planned, visited my foster mom at
my school, however encountered someone I didn’t expect: my Additional Maths
teacher, the beautiful-but-not-so-friendly Miss Janice. After having a few breakouts to my foster
mom, I encountered her by mistake.
Amazingly, she chatted with me in Chinese, LOL. Mentioning that she’s constantly monitoring
our developments via Facebook, I didn’t reveal much about myself, however
telling her about my academic plans and love life. Then, I get a glare from her: she’s finally
looking up to me. That’s a relief after
being shunned back in the old days.
Every teacher that I met commented about the vibrant of my complexion,
something that they couldn’t see when they educate me back 4 years’ I’m
residing in that area. Feels great that
I left a significant achievement mark in their noggin, as it’s the last time
that I’m stepping foot in that place where I’m been a loser, nothing compared
to my tertiary institution.
However, the better life one received, the worse
sneaks still. (my idiom) My household
remains the same. The only thing that
fills me with relief (up until this moment) is that the man finally disappears
from my sight (not completely). As my
mom aforementioned, he’s working side job at night, starting from the
evening. So I didn’t catch his glimpse
that much. It’s less tense that
way. More time for myself without people
staring straight through my head. My
mother’s working 2x worse than usual, refusing every effort that I offered
her. So by the moment, I just did what I
could to aid her: no more, no less.
However, there’s a few revelation that brings my heart back to its
original state of standstill: incompetence of its inhabitants. My mom didn’t mention this, but I found out
that her constant financial restraint is not because of our monetary
insufficiency, but her pointless and infinite absurdity of offering whatever my
“sister” needs. I mean, that lady didn’t
even approve my FB request, my mom couldn’t see her self-centred attitudes that
overpowered her sanity to live withn her own limits of the world, where she’s
the spotlight and absolutely negates financial deprivation. This month alone, my mom quietly mailed her
the entire salary that she received in June.
That’s too absurd even for us teenagers to relay as a logical reasoning
to achieve. As everything that she did
is “PHD-related”, even Disneyland trips need funding, as she’s DOING RESEARCH
THERE. Korea, China, Thailand, all those
requires emergency funding. That’s
moronic. As far as I believe it 50%, the
other half of belief goes down the drain.
We KNOW her nature. The only
reason she accepts her current study is because it’s her best opportunity to
relish her position as breadwinner of this home, living by her popular
socializing culture, lavish lifestyle, elegant gesture of notion, and refusal
to accept poverty. As I’m repeatedly
thinking about my “colour” back 4 weeks ago, I didn’t give it a deep
thought. With my foot landing in this
household, I had no option but to hear the mumble from my sole breadwinner,
then experience the sorrow and fury once again.
I mean, it’s what makes me different from others: my happiness rate is
25%, misery supplements the rest! The
only stuff that’s dampening my half-cured heart is by the fact that my mom’s
same refusal to accept my accomplishment, however longing for the preceding one
more. I’m shoving this stinky thought
away for a moment……
As for what I’m doing now, it’s nothing. Photoshop-ing, Linux-Backtracking, web and
database design are among my routine activity in the afternoons, with Lightroom
in my agenda. I’ll upload some of my
masterpiece soon enough. Going to the
way that I envisioned, to become a professional photo editor. With 4 semesters remaining, I believe that
these skills will come in handy soon enough, especially in final projects. Duh, we’re not doing thesis like linguistic
courses, of course. About working, it’s
rapidly diminishing from my vision.
Honestly, I never been able to accomplish a decent part-time
occupation. During the previous
holidays, I manage to secure a few, but not in this 2 months. Firstly, the one that I’m relying on to
obtain instant job: my “beloved” housemate is turning into an orchestra of
curses. Don’t know what’s going on, but
that “straight” guy evolves the worse since his return. I could foresee it already in the next
semester’s life. The way he behaves, it
didn’t change. What he said didn’t
reflected much by his behavior. When he
returns to our homeland, he ignores every one of my attempts to contact him,
contrary by his words in Peninsula that I could contact him whenever possible. I mean, when I’m with that guy it looks like
I’m his bellboy. Citing one of his
actions before he left home (spearheaded me by 1 week), I carried his luggage
all the way to the campus (not mentioning about how he called me to fetch him
in the wee hours when he reach Tanjung Malim, LOL) and performing his order of
looking for a taxi in contact from the campus area. As I ran hectic-and-crazily into the campus
area, scorching for the single contact, I found that he nearly left me in the
dust by a taxi that he just seen. Should
I didn’t reach out in time, he would already left without saying goodbye, be it
appreciation. I just look on dumbly
while he chat with the same driver that took me home, without caring to look me
in the face. The few words that he
mention previous days about my family and my love life kind of seemed insulting
actually, it’s like he expect that I would never achieve happiness. Ignore that
lard, haha. I’m already preparing some
plans for them, could see through their self probably better than themselves.
Another one of my failure to secure an occupation
is by my insufficient capabilities, blaming myself for that. I’m illiteral in terms of driving, making me
static only within this household.
Should I secure a job, then RM1.40 x 2 + RM4.00 (maximum eating
expenditure) would fly away everyday……There’s no part-time work near my house
compound, be it tuition, or express bellboy that would almost need driving
skills that I didn’t have. Feels deeply
guilty when I hear my pals in the Peninsula could secure a job, even in 1 months’
time of work. Thing doesn’t work that
well in Sarawak, as I hear from all my course mates. No job could be secured easily without
third-person recommendations or “secret aides”.
Added by the situation that my mix-cultured ability is not so usable in
this territory, as compared to when I’m in Perak. Here, when we speak Mandarin or Cantonese,
people already percepts that you’re not their blood. So, every holiday that I spent would be
remaining idly within these 4 pillars, doing housework or worse still,
SCHOOLWORK. Felt so sorry for myself,
even when I mention about my activities to my pals after the hols. They could secure work so easily……even having
a tough time elaborating about my conditions of unemployment to them, as it
only seems like escapism explanation to many.
So, this sucks a lot……
Mentioning about my relationship to my home
residents, things just get stickier than said.
Every senseless accusation arose from restricted views: being with her
for “adult” reasons, different cultures, etc.
I regretted that these curved verbal organ of mine would reveal even
that shred of information to those that couldn’t comprehend. Even shared this detail with the “straight”
guy of mine: & he inquired a darn question that people would never ask,
“Why do you look so happy? No more family problems I see? By any chance, have
you slept with her?” That’s just plain
stupid. Just like I mentioned earlier,
nothing that I done would live up to their expectations. But, it sort of gave me a glimpse of what she
may had to endure should she really became my soul mate. Honestly, I don’t think that we will work
out. Although my race is Malay, Islam in
nature, but Chinese seems to be the culture that my household lives on. She’ll have a tough time suiting in our routines,
added with the fact that she’s a northern gal.
That spices the curry batter. Before
I return home, I thought that what I practiced there could be carried out here,
in this compound that I expect would had a comfortable interface between its
inhabitants. With the atmosphere here, I
expect that what I truly believe in could be well practiced, as well as being
implemented in my family. But, nothing
seems working out easily. Maybe, I sort
of not loving her as a person, but more towards caring as a dear friend. All the time that I spent, be it helping her
in doing assignments (I admit, I’m not that well-performed either), walking
along, LOL in freely, maybe due to the effect of me getting less attention at
home. By this belief, I presume that I
fell in love with her. Even if she’s my
fateful 1, I couldn’t find any equalizing strength and weakness that we could
overcome together to make ourselves more perfect as God’s being. When I call her “dear” in text and mails, she
would question my motives, that I would need to elaborate deeply in order to
avoid misunderstanding. With all this
pre-emptied free time that I may possess, I’m beginning to elaborating deeply
behind every reason alongside my actions.
DO I LOVE HER? Should I remain friends with Albert, or giving him a cold
shoulder? Do I maintain my Black Contractor’s attitude like I did this semester
to survive?
As for the upcoming days, I don’t know what I could
accomplish without connection to outside civilization, or mental freedom. Believe me, it’s really miserable. Even the stuff that I’m lacking of, I found
casualties in obtaining them. Like I
aforementioned earlier, the PHD holder is resuscitating everything, even my
sense of dignity. Whatever happens
within this time span, I must change my attitudes in order to face 2 tough
trials this coming 2 semester: internship & practicum. So, I just pray to God that I would live on
this 1 month ahead, before I return early to T.M. to resume my coveted aspires
there. Don’t even know what to mention
anymore, took 1 hour ++ than usual just to finish this one……
